Relationship Spousal Abuse Or Ptsd Support???

[Rubysilverseven]

Ptsd causes many behaviours no one wants to see or experience. As a wife of an afghan vet...when is enough enough?? Is it abuse? I love my hubby and am very protective. I've also tolerated a lot of behaviours many would question. Am I alone? I feel like I can't tell anyone in fear my husband would be judged. He has ptsd. He put in 9 months in Afghanistan. Is that an excuse for his behaviour? Am I an idiot for putting up with it?

 

[Crazyme]

You are not an idiot. And your husband's service does not excuse bad behavior. Get him help immediately and if he refuses, take cover! I have spent 10 years being emotionally and verbally abused by my husband. Finally he was diagnosed and I don't know if it's too late now for him and/or for us. I can only tell you that the sooner you deal with this, the more likely you are to have a good outcome. If he refuses help, my advice is to seriously consider your boundaries. Untreated, PTSD will only get worse.

 

[Sweetpea76]

This is a topic we talk about here in the supporter section all the time. Where is the line? What makes abuse abuse?

It's hard to say.

Physical abuse is pretty obvious. Controlling behavior, lashing out, verbal abuse... not so much.

 

[Friday]

You're not an idiot & PTSD isn't an excuse to treat people badly. It's a reason to learn the self control necessary so that we don't treat people badly.

The line between symptoms, expressions, & coping mechanisms can get blurry sometimes. But at the end of the day whether I attacked my spouse in a nightmare (symptom), lashed out in rage (expression: See PTSD Stress Cup), got drunk & picked a fight (coping mechanism)... I'm still treating my spouse badly. And that's wrong. Full stop.

There is no excuse for it. To continue the same examples, if I'm in a nightmare cycle I need to sleep in a different room, if my stress levels are rising I need to vent it in a controlled fashion (and clear my backblast) before I'm exploding, and I need to stop drinking and picking fights & learn new / healthier coping mechanisms than drinking & fighting to deal with my symptoms. These things are all doable. PTSD is a bitch, but it's also highly manageable, when we take the time and effort and do the work to learn how to. Not an easy thing, and not usually a fast thing, but a required thing.

 

[TheMinsterman]

That's a fantastic post @Friday, I sometimes have trouble expressing to people about how I understand my "sufferers" behaviours, but equally don't condone them, not long term. She should recognise them and work on trying to deal with them in some capacity when they step over the line.

 

[boodle]

No, you're definitely not an idiot. The reason we put up with it is because we see the wonderful person struggling with a terrible condition, rather than seeing a terrible person.
I received verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation and controlling behaviour from my ex. She had untreated cptsd and was self medicating with alcohol and drugs. The 'invisible' abuse as I call it was getting worse over time and my ex crossed a boundary. So I had no option but to distance. Decide what you are willing to put up with and what are unacceptable behaviours and discuss this with your husband. Setting, and more importantly keeping to boundaries is essential.

As @Sweetpea76 says physical abuse is obvious, however I feel verbal abuse, emotional abuse, manipulation and controlling behaviour can be just as insidious over potracted lengths of time. They can rip you from the inside out. They can create guilt, shame, depression and the feeling of worthlessness. They are a torture thats invisible to the outside world. No-one knows you are going through the abuse and therefore you can be without support. It can be so, so hard. Please also think carefully with regard to these invisible abuses.

 

[Never_falter2]

Welcome to this board. I think it would be easier to answer if you told us a bit more about specific behaviors if you like to.

 

[TheMinsterman]

@boodle is spot on, we often see the person beneath the disorder, the one others do not see, it's why we put up with so much, because they've often built up a lot of credit with us.

 

[grimalkin]

No, you're definitely not an idiot. The reason we put up with it is because we see the wonderful person struggling with a terrible condition, rather than seeing a terrible person.

Exactly. I put up with a lot from my partner because I saw all the good that went along with the crap. I didn't know it was C-PTSD at the time, just "mental illness" (depression and anxiety and stress/anger management issues because that's what he called it).

I didn't have my boundaries firmly set, and was willing to put up with a lot from him. Which, ultimately, didn't help either of us.

And, the "diagnosis" (ie, finally calling it what it is - I'm still not sure if HE'S known it was PTSD all this time or not, and just didn't tell me, or what), seven years into our relationship, it was already too late. He won't get help, and now blames me for everything (including near hating me for calling it abuse).

Figure out your boundaries, what you're willing to deal with, and insist he get help. And hang on. It's a bumpy ride, and can be lonely.

 

[dulcia]

Partner of an OIF/OEF combat vet here. I am also very protective of mine. There has been both physical, verbal, and emotional abuse in my relationship with my vet. I'm probably only allowing it due to his diagnosis. That's something I'm still sorting though myself.

 

[LilacFaerie]

This is the exact thing I'm trying to figure out. When is enough enough? It seems he, no...., he Does use his PTSD as an explanation/excuse for his despicable behavior. He quit his counseling and meds 6+ months ago. I initiated another discussion tonight bc the marriage is in serious trouble. Pleading.

No help. He feels nothing. Says it wouldn't bother him one way or the other if I left. Doesn't feel love. He's doing "what works for him" - and what exactly is that? He can't or won't answer. How can a marriage survive without love? I can't wrap my head around this. I deserve better, yet here I stay. Why? Because I'm waiting for the glimmer of hope that will never come? Because I'm waiting for a miracle? I too have wondered if I'm an idiot. Have looked into getting an apartment and just slipping out one day, but to even be in a rental office thinking about moving feels unnatural, like I'm not supposed to be there.

I don't know what to do.

I feel your pain.

 

[Dannyuk78]

This is the exact thing I'm trying to figure out. When is enough enough? It seems he, no...., he D...

I also feel nothing i am emotionally dead or at least thats what i thought until the moment my wife and kids were about to walk out the door and i just couldnt physically let go of my 3 year old. There will always be a way its just trying to find it, and then the question is do you still have it in the tank after going through so much yourself.

as a supporter you are strong and caring and without question you are devoted to both of your recovery.