desiderata310
VIP Member
haven't quite figured out why this is but Sunday seems to be the hardest day for me. You would think that I've had (usually) two days of therapy and ordinarily a day off from work and everything else would be a welcomed relief and a chance to recharge physically and emotionally from the problems of work, training, and therapy but it seems to be quite the opposite. Sunday is when I wind up being the most unsettled.
It has become, in many ways, my rest day from working out and I am unsettled and ansy all day emotionally. I try to fill this day with other things: reading, cleaning, visiting shops full of things I can't buy, running errands (slowly) by bike but none of that really seems to work. Of all the days, I will feel like I am on the edge of the rabbit hole, it's Sundays. I can't decide if it's the amount of time I spend alone, or the fact that I can't run/ do a hard workout/swim or if it is the fact that I went to therapy the day before and the knowledge that my next session is DAYS away. (again, that fact really fills me with shame that I get angsty about it)
We didn't really DO anything yesterday in therapy. In a way he did a lot more talking than I did yesterday. I asked the questions and he answered them. But I felt that depression/unsettled feeling of standing on the edge of the rabbit hole start to come over me late last night so I forced myself to try to sleep through it. I woke up early -4am- and tried with all my might to push back to sleep only to find myself tossing and turning and so after hours of that I sat up and started trying to busy myself with SOMETHING(in this case, looking for a comforter for my new bed) But by 8 in the morning I could tell it's going to be a fight today.
No running, only necessary riding (legs are super sore so that will count for 'recovery riding').
I desperately want to call and talk to Z but I can't do that. It's not appropriate. It's not ok, even if he says it is. My clinginess to our friendship is what makes me worry that I will eventually make him hate me. I sent him a road id for his birthday since I know he rides like I do- alone and in traffic. And now that he has it, I regret that decision. I shouldn't have sent that. I shouldn't have bought it. He doesn't send me birthday gifts- never has! That spells out what my friendship is as much as anything. I probably need to stop talking to him altogether. I try very hard to make sure that HE initiates text messages. That he sends the last text- that he finishes the conversation. It's stupid that his friendship is the most important to me. Of all the people I know, I will most likely NEVER see him again. The likelihood of us both being in the same city again is about .5% I have no plans to go back to home- ever. I may have to go back when mom dies but it's doubtful that I will see Z then as that visit is unlikely to align with one of his. Even his "riding trip" is a pipe dream. I know that. Even if he had a plan for it in the beginning, he now has a steady girl he is falling for and his priorities are changing. I can see if even if he can't.
There is NO ONE here I trust enough to really open up to- outside of my therapist, and even that is .. difficult at best. We were talking about it yesterday and I don't have friends yet. No one. Yes, T at work, is trying to be my friend but I have to be careful there. I've begun to notice that while we do have a great deal in common, that he has real issues with people and will get upset when there's little reason to get upset and get me riled up. I kinda got pissed at him last night for involving me in an issue and getting me pissed off that really didn't deserve my attention. 'ain't nobody got TIME for that!' I got pissed at him and told him that I was trying to stabilize my life and dealing with petty bullshit on my off time didn't help in doing that. Besides, I think that people are beginning to talk about my friendship with T. He's constantly in my office because I have him as my 'second' but I am essentially an 'attractive single red head' and that is something that he joked about wanting in this position of authority.
I also know that today is the day that I am likely to hear from S if he is going to write. And he has been writing. A couple of times last week that went into a different folder and once from a different email address that popped up in my main folder. I panicked. I sent it off to my therapist. I think he's at least getting the picture of what it is like; the bouts of constant badgering
The contact is ramping up again. I know in the next week or two there will be one that will be very hostile and threatening. I know it's coming and I know when it happens it really will push me into the rabbit hole. I think my therapist knows that. I think he is ok with me not addressing hard stuff right now because of it. Hell I don't want to spend too much time on S at all. I seem to get triggered by it pretty easily and I take left turns that I am often not aware of and only told about later.
It has become, in many ways, my rest day from working out and I am unsettled and ansy all day emotionally. I try to fill this day with other things: reading, cleaning, visiting shops full of things I can't buy, running errands (slowly) by bike but none of that really seems to work. Of all the days, I will feel like I am on the edge of the rabbit hole, it's Sundays. I can't decide if it's the amount of time I spend alone, or the fact that I can't run/ do a hard workout/swim or if it is the fact that I went to therapy the day before and the knowledge that my next session is DAYS away. (again, that fact really fills me with shame that I get angsty about it)
We didn't really DO anything yesterday in therapy. In a way he did a lot more talking than I did yesterday. I asked the questions and he answered them. But I felt that depression/unsettled feeling of standing on the edge of the rabbit hole start to come over me late last night so I forced myself to try to sleep through it. I woke up early -4am- and tried with all my might to push back to sleep only to find myself tossing and turning and so after hours of that I sat up and started trying to busy myself with SOMETHING(in this case, looking for a comforter for my new bed) But by 8 in the morning I could tell it's going to be a fight today.
No running, only necessary riding (legs are super sore so that will count for 'recovery riding').
I desperately want to call and talk to Z but I can't do that. It's not appropriate. It's not ok, even if he says it is. My clinginess to our friendship is what makes me worry that I will eventually make him hate me. I sent him a road id for his birthday since I know he rides like I do- alone and in traffic. And now that he has it, I regret that decision. I shouldn't have sent that. I shouldn't have bought it. He doesn't send me birthday gifts- never has! That spells out what my friendship is as much as anything. I probably need to stop talking to him altogether. I try very hard to make sure that HE initiates text messages. That he sends the last text- that he finishes the conversation. It's stupid that his friendship is the most important to me. Of all the people I know, I will most likely NEVER see him again. The likelihood of us both being in the same city again is about .5% I have no plans to go back to home- ever. I may have to go back when mom dies but it's doubtful that I will see Z then as that visit is unlikely to align with one of his. Even his "riding trip" is a pipe dream. I know that. Even if he had a plan for it in the beginning, he now has a steady girl he is falling for and his priorities are changing. I can see if even if he can't.
There is NO ONE here I trust enough to really open up to- outside of my therapist, and even that is .. difficult at best. We were talking about it yesterday and I don't have friends yet. No one. Yes, T at work, is trying to be my friend but I have to be careful there. I've begun to notice that while we do have a great deal in common, that he has real issues with people and will get upset when there's little reason to get upset and get me riled up. I kinda got pissed at him last night for involving me in an issue and getting me pissed off that really didn't deserve my attention. 'ain't nobody got TIME for that!' I got pissed at him and told him that I was trying to stabilize my life and dealing with petty bullshit on my off time didn't help in doing that. Besides, I think that people are beginning to talk about my friendship with T. He's constantly in my office because I have him as my 'second' but I am essentially an 'attractive single red head' and that is something that he joked about wanting in this position of authority.
I also know that today is the day that I am likely to hear from S if he is going to write. And he has been writing. A couple of times last week that went into a different folder and once from a different email address that popped up in my main folder. I panicked. I sent it off to my therapist. I think he's at least getting the picture of what it is like; the bouts of constant badgering
The contact is ramping up again. I know in the next week or two there will be one that will be very hostile and threatening. I know it's coming and I know when it happens it really will push me into the rabbit hole. I think my therapist knows that. I think he is ok with me not addressing hard stuff right now because of it. Hell I don't want to spend too much time on S at all. I seem to get triggered by it pretty easily and I take left turns that I am often not aware of and only told about later.
