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Discussion in 'Military & Emergency Services' started by Tim_Holgate, Mar 27, 2018.
Ok. I meant in my original post CBT not cut
motive, heading, vehicle. You can get there.
Some Survivors guilt perhaps?
I was on duty and involved in a horrible collision that left a civilian dead. Never forgave myself for surviving. That was 35 years ago.
I took a night off work so my partner was riding solo. He was ambushed, got into a gunfight and was seriously wounded. He survived but never fully recovered. I blame myself for him getting shot even though after looking at the cruiser afterwards it was pretty clear that had I been there I probably would've been killed. That was 34 years ago.
First responders are trained to be in charge and to take charge of situations that would make most people curl up in the fetal position. When we lose that control or the ability to control a situation it really messes us up. Anniversaries are one of many triggers for me. When one is coming up I try to plan something to help keep me from being overwhelmed by it.
It helps to a certain extent.
yea - that whole I made it out and they didn't thing. It sucks.
I was juggling tracking 40 LEO units (yes 40) and taking a 911 call about a woman who couldn't breathe. Coded the call and missed that our ever glitchy CAD sent it to the wrong city. They called back 20 minutes later asking where the ambulance was. She didn't make it. Admin kept telling me it wasn't my fault - that they knew CAD was having that issue and I couldn't have caught it from my screens because I was working a pd radio.
but -- you know how it goes. It will always be my fault. It's why we need to support each other -- because those in the real world just don't get it.
Frieda, the dispatchers and call takers are the unsung heroes in the First Responder Community. I was a dispatcher/911 call taker for two years before becoming a cop and it gave me an appreciation for what they did unlike the majority of uniforms. I was also a Supervisor in one of our dispatch centres...we have four of them. There were many times that I took uniforms to task for their ignorance. We then made it mandatory that every uniform had to spend at least half a shift so they could visualize first hand the number of balls these people had to juggle and the responsibilities they had.
I am positive I almost had my kids killed. It was horrifying. I knew something was up, and asked them to come and help me. I don't think I will ever forgive myself for that and I am certain those acts, that fact, that evening is the cause of my PTSD rekindling. 10 years later.
Anyway, I went to a healer and he helped me paint an image of something that involved love - of me for my kids, of my kids for me. Unfortunately part of the image painted was about clowns - lol - so now I am absolutely terrified of clowns. It was a mistake on the healers part, but I am going to say that being terrified of clowns is by far better than what I was living through when I felt responsible.
Anytime I have broken a big one like this, and there have been many, I have had to look for where the love was. Each time I was able to find it (and it hides itself really well in situations like this) it was a game changer. The problem is, looking to heal through it may feel like we don't care about the issue. I found that by holding on (read: punishing myself) it helped me to pay for my mistake . Which is incredibly misguided but that was easier than letting go of what happened and walking away scott free. No idea if that makes sense to anyone but myself.
This is fabulous! I did the same thing with all my trainees - they had to do ride alongs with the officers to get an understanding of what was going on out "there" I think it as really beneficial - plus they go to know each other so they had at least one contact person in the field
A great idea, I wish everyone had cross training like that. My department hated dispatch for the lack of clear info we needed and the slow response to questioning for info that would help us prep and stage units, the police hated the fire dept for being evidence destruction teams, we all wished the coroner would just understand that waiting for his coffee maker in the middle of the night meant that ten guys were waiting for his coffee maker, etc. etc.
Good relations and mutual respect was gained through experience and interpersonal contact away from the job, like church activities or common age children and the contacts made at school sports and such, much better if it had been formal and widespread.
just an observation, dont want to hijack this thread.