Still here, not sure why

[SeekingAfrica]

Ever since my moving was postponed I crashed. First I thought I was resting, it had been a month where everything felt impossible. Now I'm sleeping so much it's scaring me, I'm fatigued from that, any desire to do things I tend to love or even dislikes are all dummed down.

In practical sense I need income, I'm running out of edible food and any kind actually. I used all my creative ways to get by. My medicine is likely keeping me from being in a worse crisis but it's not enough. My bank account is so much tnenegative I had to move any social plans for next week to usemy last 3$ that were for bus for food. I've used all my magic tricks and the first money I'll get is a week from now.
Also, all the sleeping is making my head foggy, and the depression keeps telling me I won't get income.

I obviously can't afford new medication exam plus we know that takes time to work. I'm failing in every area of my life ,except friends I guess, since there're still people trying to help. Though I also lost people so might be even score. I'm too depressed or too anxious about lost time. Used the AI to describe my current schedule and set small goals but they seem too small to my perfectionist self.

I can't get less depressed,I'm hungry, I'm gaining weight, 20$ seems like magical amount, I can't enjoy anything, strive for anything... I hate being this way which doesn't help, if I haven't worked I'm reluctant to do things like workout first because I need to work... my physical health is a sinking boat too... can't change medication or therapy and I'm just failing life.... I mean at what point am I too old to keep trying??

How do I change??



P.s. please Don't suggest food banks, such resources are extremely limited out here, especially for single people without kids. I've used the resource available to me already.

 

[Friday]

Don’t use / wait out the whole month? Use what extra time you need to pack out, tie off loose ends, and go.

If, once you’re done & ready (2 days? 2 weeks? Whenever) if you want to stay a few extra days to sightsee, see friends, etc.? Go for it. But pack up NOW. Get yourself ready to leave NOW. Race yourself, rather than falling back into life & living here goals and patterns.

 

[arfie]

I mean at what point am I too old to keep trying??

at 69, i am beginning to think there is no such thing as being too old to keep trying. seems to me that life is never with living without that drive to keep trying. it is always a good day to keep trying.

set small goals but they seem too small to my perfectionist self.

while under the influence of my control freakitis, there is never enough glitz and affirmation to satisfy my perfectionist self. on my more self-tolerant days, those small goals are plenty and they do add up quicker than attempts to satisfy my perfectionist self.

 

[Charbella]

Any chance your parents could help you with money? Maybe you could promise to clean their car inside and out for some cash now?

If you have friends wanting to socialize, could you join them at their house for dinner? Offer to help make and clean up? Any friends with disposable income that you could offer to do some sort of job for, it might help to change the funk if you could arrange something like that. Force you out of the house. Personally I tend to be able to get up and moving if I have obligations.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Food is resolved. Realized just now after years that not having any food is a huge trigger, I get hopeless for obsessive. After crossing the city to exchange home currency for 2$ for any food, I was finally pushed enough and since currently close friends and families need help too-asked a friendly ex I saw recently. He was always generous money wise. And we agreed I return them in a week.

It was enough to get food for the week. Going to do so in the morning. And get healthy edible stuff unlike what I've eaten for the last 6 weeks.

I can't say what I will do next but I can say ever since I resolved the food I've finally been able to feel OK for a moment. There are people on intermittent fasting, poor people and else that do not take food so gravely. That's scary. Neither did I before PTSD although I had times with less than ideal amounts, I just adapted. Yet now I can't live an afternoon like this. Need income, steady one obviously, but also need to dig into this trigger.

@Friday you are right. Whatever happens I need to finish packing and reorganizing. At lower and less intense level than last time. Now that my food and maybe few bus tickets are assured for this week I can think more clearly how to do that.

@arfie I'll try the small goals. Can't hurt. Temporary relief about the food is making me inspired to do a lot more, which makes me wonder if the depression wasn't trigger reaction to worry about income (I only knew l was getting income next week from yesterday, and by that point I was out of food).
Let's see how I do tomorrow. That will tell me if it was the trigger or the depression.

Clearly I need to trust I'll be okay and continue the moving journey, but knowing what happened these few days is valuable feedback to get better.

And..maybe I'm ready to start using a bullet journal/planner again...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

So... I resolve things for myself by talking so I have to admit this to someone. And currently most of the people in my life need me to be okay. Had couple of people who supported me a lot a month ago but nowthey are exhausted at work and I can't bethe one to add to that.

It's been tough year, but if there was a moment to turn it around d it's now. First because I used the help I can get and need to start seeing improvements for myself. Second, because I spent 2 weeks sleepwalking, meaning more depressed than usual. I slept most of the time, postponed most meetings for this week, and didn't talk to almost anyone. Even friends I have calls with because we are in different countries. I think the most I talked was in the grocery store...

I've been in a bubble and I have to snap out of it. For me and the people who love me in spite of all this.

 

[Muttly]

I am glad that the food is resolved for the short term. That is a start. It also sounds like you came to a good realization about food being a trigger.

I hope you can keep things moving forward. I am sorry things are such a slog

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Every time I think there isn't lower there is a new low I didn't think was reachable.
I really need to change my life in a very significant way.
Sometime I feel I can and sometimes it feel impossible to comprehend.

 

[Friday]

Every time I think there isn't lower there is a new low I didn't think was reachable.

If you’re not on fire? Pfft. Of course there is. There is ALWAYS something “worse”. Thinking whatever this is, is the worst it can get? Is just daring the universe to truly f*ck you up.

Oh. Being on fire? ALSO not the worst it can be. Being on fire whilst the people you love are being raped to death? Is one -of many- variations of “worse”. Seeeeeeriously. Stop the oppression olympics. “It’s bad” = enough. It. Does. Not. Have. To. Be. The. Worst. Ever. Because it probably won’t be. And still? Deserves the time & energy to deal with. Bad? Is bad enough. Whether it’s a hangnail, or the death of children. Deal with whatever, as it is.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Friday You're right. That is why I said hell. Catastrophizing is oneof the things after PTSD that I have learned the least how to control. Combine with better than average memory and big imagination and emotional character- and you get yourself fantastic combination for creating art for example. But in tough situations when catastrophizing comes into play? I can really dig myself into a hole. I've tried a bit of CBT for it but it's only mildly helpful thus far.

Any suggestions of how I bring that feeling down a bit, especially in the middle of it?

 

[Hedge]

Sometimes thinking things are the worst can lighten the heavy load if many negative things are occurring all at once. Sometimes acknowledging the worst can help us to confront the problem as we seek for a solution and when a solution is found, this can boost up our confidence and self esteem. It is, l believe, only when we catastrophise things one on top of the other, that the entire picture appears confused for we become too close to it and it becomes blurry or pixelated.

Learning how to step back a wee bit can help us see things more clearly. It is like looking at a cluster of trees which become too thick for us to differentiate the individual trees from that cluster.

 

[Friday]

@Friday You're right. That is why I said hell. Catastrophizing is oneof the things after PTSD that I have learned the least how to control. Combine with better than average memory and big imagination and emotional character- and you get yourself fantastic combination for creating art for example. But in tough situations when catastrophizing comes into play? I can really dig myself into a hole. I've tried a bit of CBT for it but it's only mildly helpful thus far.

Any suggestions of how I bring that feeling down a bit, especially in the middle of it?

Personally? I find that Sarcasm makes terror infinitely bearable.

Seriously.

Not just because it adds a stroke of funny, but because it requires me to use my brain, and turn the situation on its side, and kick it. It’s a weird sort of way to step away/distance myself whilst still being eyeballs deep in it, that sorta breaks the trauma lock. Very similar to how -when I can’t talk about my own trauma to save my life?- I can talk it up/down/left/sideways to help someone else. For whatever reason? It flanks the issue I’m having.

Alternatively? Diving headfirst into cold water. Or a hot & cold shower. Major sensory disruption. Not grounding, more of a slap in the face, clarifying, short circuiting the anxiety loop. Lacking either? There are weird clusters of nerves in the wrists, and running cold water over them can sooth anxiety in a really weird way. Especially the kind that leaves you feeling like you’re about to puke, but most others as well.

Because catastrophizing? Is at least 2/3s anxiety.

For the 1/3 that’s not? But a lithe imagination? I play the “and then what” game. Which also breaks the loop, by providing actual real solutions to real problems. Yes, those problems are imaginary, but I treat them as if they’re real… instead of the OMFG WHAT IF ITS ABC!!! Loop. OMFG WHAT IF ITS ABC!!! Loop. What ifs are catastrophe food. What if I have cancer? What if I can’t pay my bill? What if I don’t have food? What if, what if, what if………….. and it all just feeds off of itself. Catastophozog picks the nightmare option as if a) it’s the ONLY option, but it never is & b) assumes I’m stoooooopid & incapable, which is just insulting. The “and then what?” game lets me take what’s already going on (catastrophizing) and USE it to shift gears, find actual solutions, and break the loop.