Dom Violence Still Love Abusive Ex. Is This Even Normal? Hate Myself For This.

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

Maybe for now leave him aside and try to practice some self love. Take care of yourself and treat you like you should be treated. Do things that you like whatever that may be and for the sole purpose of caring for yourself.

Non consensual BDSM is abuse, it's not BDSM if you didn't consent it's abuse.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

I don't think it's actually love that is the emotion that you carry, but true compassion that needs to be smashed. This guy has harmed you. He will harm you again and possibly do more since I've been through the same thing, was in a 4 year relationship loved the guy had a real compassion for his illness epilepsy. I thought I could fix him and his abusive ways. He was into bdsm, torture, rape, physical violence, and verbal abuse where shouting would pierce anyone's ear drums. It just wasn't healthy and it took me almost 41/2 years to realize this.

Statistically they say it's takes 8 times for a woman to leave an abuser.

I don't know where they got that but they are spot on and close. He was squatting in my yard after that he has an arrest record for violence against me. The cops were looking for him, it wasn't until my uncle the landlord told him that if he didn't leave he would be more than just a squatter he was be a dead man. I was in the hospital for overdose because he told me, when were going to get married he would invite all my molesters to my wedding.

He told me such cruel shit. Now tell yourself and do not hate yourself because you are not doing this out of love, but compassion for this guy who has been abusive to you. But it needs to be smashed, or when he doesn't get out of prison the cycle of abuse will start all over again. Still to this day when I am walking I am hyper vigilant always checking behind my back when I go on a walk. But the fact that I had to move to the west coast because of him, is a crazy thing. I would be dead if I didn't move. It was a safety thing. Now I am still hyper vigilant and have to be on a very high dose of nightmare medication and my abuser comes in a form of a hallucination to me so I am on an antipsychotic.

It could be this bad for you too. I am just tell you a safe and healthy warning that he will do it again. You need to work on yourself and stop this relationship nonsense, because it is nonsense to want to get back together with an abuser who did that much damage to you. But if you are not ready to leave no one can force you, and that is the truth. It's like in AA, if your not ready to walk through the doors and get sober no one can force you unless your on a court card. I just hope you read and hear what you need to hear to make you not want him back, God willing.

 

[arikajira]

@ OP
I hear you. I'm struggling to finally cut contact with my ex. We were married 7 years with BDSM as a fundamental dynamic. The trauma I suffered was also majority under the influence of ice as well...frankly it's a miracle I got out with only C-PTSD. But, I still "love" him. I still want to see the best in him. I still want to comfort him and hold him and tell him it's all going to be OK. It's so hard to stay away. :( Stay strong!

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Look into attachment theory and Trauma bonding, you need to learn to respect yourself so you can enjoy the rest of your life with no further suffering, you do NOT deserve to be abused, you weren't born just to be some neanderthal troglodyte loser's punch bag, you know? Abbraccio :hug:

 

[Jenn-f]

One of the hardest battles is leaving him, I had the same with my ex. It's a case of your head VS your heart, that's the only way I can describe it......your head say no this ain't right but your heart say love. The love & missing him will die down as time goes on, I had to go back to him to realise there's no change with him (I am not suggesting you go back in any way!!). There's light at the end though, look me up on here if you ever need to chat.....abusive relationships nobody understands unless they been there themselves. Be strong xxxx

 

[vivaladawn]

I know exactly how you feel. It took me falling for someone else to finally get over him after 4 years. Even when I was with him I knew he was a terrible and disgusting person who I would never want anything to do with long-term, but I still wanted to be with him... I regret wasting so much of my time and energy on him. I still have the occasional flash-backs when something reminds me of a time I was abused. There's actually a TV show I can't watch because there's an actor in it who looks just like him and I get panic attacks!

 

[Leah Von Heck]

One of the hardest battles is leaving him, I had the same with my ex. It's a case of your head VS your he...

I've been through all of this and I really need someone to talk to I don't know why I feel like this... Ugh help !

 

[Leahvonheck]

I don't think it's actually love that is the emotion that you carry, but true compassion that n...

This is so dead on with my ex and I. And I've been struggling with trying not to care about him or cry over him or miss him. Such a horrible feeling that's I even care after all he's put me through. But your absolutely right in every way about what you said here. It's incredibly difficult but it needs to be done or else the cycle continues and each time makes it harder to leave.

 

[moonchild56]

I've been out of an abusive relationship three years now. He's in prison (unrelated drug charge) s...

I understand. Its ok to love someone as long as you put yourself first. My ex was my best friend. He saved my life and we lived together for a couple years. It was a very intense relationship. I had tried to kill myself and he gave me a reason to live. He did love me, but he didnt know how in the end. It wasnt enough. I was getting better and he was still drinking and doing drugs. He cheated on me but I still didnt care. I loved him more than anything. The tension grew more and more. He started being verbally abusive. Calling me a bitch, shoving me when we argued. I would cry and he told me to stop crying cuz it made me look old, or that he didnt hurt me, just my feelings. People from the outside looking in can see things but they cant feel what we feel in our hearts. My life was nothing before him and the pain of being with him was less than the pain of being without him until one night I spoke to my grandma and she told me i deserved better. So i packed up my stuff and left. I turned my car around and went back to talk to him, or at least try. He was furious and choked me and threatend to kill me. He was never fully charged , just got a few months in jail and 10 years of no contact with me until his parole is gone. What happened was worse than a death sentence. I had wish he would of died instead. I miss him all the time. Its been 4 years but i still miss him. I probably always will. He had a beautiful mind underneath the rage, he even had a beautiful heart at times. We were both hippies and i felt like he saw me. He was abused and so i had immense compassion for him which blinded me sometimes. We cant put logic on love. The people we love are broken, and not healthy. By loving them we cure a part of ourselves that has been broken. You dont need to stop loving him. Just see clearly. See that he is broken and he must change for himself. It might never happen. Dont let people tell you that love is wrong. Love is never wrong, just include yourself and love that parts of you that have been broken into wellness.

 

[Babs2]

I've been out of an abusive relationship three years now. He's in prison (unrelated drug charge) s...

Stockholm syndrome??

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You probably do care and love him, you cannot kill love in my opinion. You have to work through your issues in therapy and get some help. The wounds inflicted can be healed over a long period of time but with trauma bonding it is natural to miss the abusive spouse or friend or family member. I have gone through this before with my now estranged adult daughter with rabid alcoholism and borderline personality disorder. You may also want to research Stockholm Syndrome too while you are looking for some help that may possible help you out too. Just my opionon based on my own experiences with loving someone who is abusive. Good luck finding the right help for yourself.

 

[Cyberluddite]

You can love someone as a human being, but to love someone as anything more is what starts the bonding process (whether healthy or trauma-based). Bonding and love are two different beasts, however. You can bond by inflicting pain and suffering, you cannot love that way.

One of my favorite ol' Southern blessings is "I don't wish them ill, but I don't wish them well." It basically means they're all but dead to you, in terms of relevance to your life today. Distancing yourself from the needful bond, which was caused by torment, physical violence and constant fear, is a great way from no longer identifying with that pain. And it is a bit more challenging when there's some type of indoctrination, or grooming, involved... but this too shall pass.

You're not so much ignoring that it happened, as you're acknowledging that you are not what happened. In doing so, you take away the power of that need, of that trauma bond. You take away your ex's power, while owning your own.

I'm not of the community, but over the years I've known a few who were. It doesn't matter if you're a vanilla, kink, Dom, Sub, or a Switch (which does exist)... if it's not safe, sane, and consensual, then "no means no." True dominance is based on respect of the submissive, who always calls the shots. @shimmerz is correct, there's a lot of folks who mistake BDSM (which is a lifestyle) for what's commonly referred to as "kink" (which isn't). Christian Grey (from E.L. James' Fifty Shades trilogy) definitely qualifies as a wannabe.

And you are stronger than your past. Wishing you and yours much love and peace in the year ahead.:hug: