Still Trying To Leave Fathers House

[IamFree]

I always dream about fathers house that i am still there. I always dream that i say i am leaving so i leave and then i dream again that i say i am leaving. I am always trying to leave. I call it fathers house because it was never my home. He had everything exactly how he wanted to make it comfortable for him. if you did not like it you had to leave so we all left. my brother and sisters left physically. I did not have the means to leave physically but i left i just left my self..is that why i am still there.

 

[The Albatross]

You are still residing with your father? I've read this several times now and it is confusing. "I just left my self... that is why I am still there" sounds as though you are still in the home? If that's the case, subconsciously you are being alerted that this situation is not beneficial for you unless you give it some attention. Even if you do not have the means to move out, you can re-examine some of your beliefs about your situation and perhaps ease the mental/emotional distress about it using stuff like acceptance or radical acceptance, establishing safe zones, boundaries... but I am not familiar of your personal situation so am unsure about what is actually going on in your day to day life?

My bio home was as you describe, "father's house ... everything exactly how he wanted to be comfortable for him" and my father ruled his household with an iron fist. I guess that's why I felt pressed to comment. It is an immensely uncomfortable and a very mental/emotionally detrimental place to be in. He was the central personality and all others (my mother/brother/myself) were pushed to the sidelines and were controlled in various ways. I had to have outside help to remain in the situation until I was old enough to become independent and even then I had a lot more difficulty and hardship because there was absolutely no going back and he was emphatic about that.

Rationally of course, it was his/their house (my father and mother's) but I know what that feels like.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Since this is a duplicate post i am only responding to this one.

I did not have the means to leave physically but i left i just left my self..is that why i am still there.

Sounds, to me, like disassociation. Your physical body was there but you left in your head so you "left yourself". This is like a riddle though so can you please expand on that?

If you are now an adult and have since moved out, you are having nightmares from the past. Not being able to get out can mirror you as I child not having the means to physically leave, thus cant get out.

Nightmares are hard and mine insanely vivid so what I do is as soon as I wake up thinking it was real, I will try to say just as soon as I can "it was only a dream, I am safe, it was only a dream".

If you are still physically there then that would answer it.

 

[EveHarrington]

Have you looked up dream interpretations? It may seem straightforward but I've found dream interpretations give clues as to how to ease the mental unrest.

:hug:

 

[IamFree]

hey yes it was meant to be a sort of poem...indeed I do not live there for a very long time..yes leaving myself was leaving my body.

 

[IamFree]

I feel like I need to tell the story. both my parents were addicted to hard drugs crack and heroin. mother walked out . are father brought us up in this house. There was hardly ever any food he just bought the bare minimum so he had more money for his drink and drugs. He love animals probably more than people he had lots of pets cats and dogs two of each they had a much better life In that house than me and my siblings. we never sat down to eat together. the place were the dinner table should have been was just big piles of his junk he liked to accumulate. He hated my older half brother who I loved and we played to together he scared him so much he ran away forever. my sisters ran away to ..to are mothers. He was just indifferent to me .he told us all about what a terrible person mother wasshe was even though he was doing the same things as her. and what did he do he brought another woman to live in the house who was a heroin addict a much more terrible person than mother. she become his supply. she was so much more important to him than me he let her have my bedroom and I was sleeping on the sofa. I could say I was just like one of the pets but those pets got more love.what did he love . he loved smoking in his bedroom with that woman. he loved being in the pub with his alcohol. he had everything he loved . we had none.

 

[void]

@Terry W

What strikes me about your posts is the neglect....not just the abuse.

You were severely neglected...in every way.:(

I was too.

None of our needs mattered at all. Our Controller was utterly self-absorbed. The constant message that we were meaningless. The constant ache of unmet needs.

But you do matter.:happy:

The impact of neglect is all-pervasive...I live its impact every day:(

May I recommend Dr. Jonice Webb on YT....https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4OV3Q1Sd3w

Perhaps her site, vids, and/or book will help you.

Peace.:hug:

 

[IamFree]

@Terry W

What strikes me about your posts is the neglect....not just the abuse.

You w...

THANK YOU SO MUCH I WILL BE SURE TO CHECK THIS OUT

 

[The Albatross]

ACOA written material (tried but couldn't really stomach the meetings) helped me a lot. Perhaps it would be good to consider as an adult that it is time to endeavor to heal the wounding? 8 Books that Helped me in ACOA Recovery | The Fix

 

[IamFree]

yeah I do twelve step stuff its a valuable resource and has helped me a lot even though I do not always agree with everything and I am careful about not letting meetings take over my life.

 

[The Albatross]

I had a hard time relating face to face in ACOA meetings... but did pretty much immerse, journal and learn about it for a year or so during recovery. I even did a goal commitment where I did the 365 day readings some of which are buried on my diary here to come to terms with the abuse and neglect. I found it helpful.

 

[IamFree]

yes its important to know who you can get along with in these places as if someone is as damage as you .it can end up harming rather than helping anyone.its twelve step programmes is a lot like baking a cake its just getting the ingredients right and at the right amount. thanks for this I have been very AA focused up until now but now I have the sobriety under control I will look more into CODA and ACOA which I think has much more to offer in terms of childhood trauma recovery