Strategies for driving to daughters wedding

[KwanYingirl]

I fell apart at my sons wedding too. That was in Jamaica. Travel makes me sick. My therapist told me today that I really should not put my body through the rigors of travel due to my chemical intolerance. He told me I look positively green and my voice was gravelly. He said under normal circumstances he doubts that I would have been so emotionally unhinged. I was just sobbing. My feelings were too intense. He said my brain doesn’t discriminate between anger vs fear vs joy. It is trauma based. Intensity=sexual abuse and physical abuse=breakdown. That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it? Both kids weddings their mother breaks down. No wonder they avoid me.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I emailed Karen’s sister to tell her I miss Karen so much and have they gotten her cause of death yet? She said there is no official cause of death known. Her sibs have emptied her whole house and painted it and it sold right away. Did you know that a tattoo artist can tattoo into your skin the ashes of a cremated human?

 

[blackemerald1]

That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it? Both kids weddings their mother breaks down. No wonder they avoid me.

No! I don't think you are pathetic at all! Don't think or say that about yourself. These were big trips, big occasions involving your children, you have real physical and psychological illnesses that disable you. Good grief please stop the self loathing. Doing what you did for your children is a really big deal. If they are truly avoiding you because you become overwhelmed on these or any other exhausting and emotionally loaded occasions then the shame is on them. Not you. They will look back one day and think quietly to themselves Wow! Mum had all that going on and she still made it for my special day!

Did you know that a tattoo artis

Yes I did sweetie. I think it is a deeply personal thing to do. Honestly I think if you are considering doing this I'd really kindly suggest you wait at least a year or so before you do this. I am not suggesting it is wrong but your grief is palatable and you are grieving deeply. It is a process and I know with everything else going on and your health that more grieving is still to come but in different ways.

no official cause of death known.

Why do they not know? Is it still in the process of being officially determined or is it a paper-work process that takes a long time?

 

[KwanYingirl]

@blackemerald1 thank you for the pep talk!! I’m not considering having anyone’s ashes tattooed on me, I just never knew that could be done. I’m satisfied with the lovely tattoo I have on my ankle to honor my friend. 3 zinnias and a shamrock. Zinnias, according to the Victorian interpretation of the meanings of flowers, represent the rememberence of a lost friend. The shamrock is a nod to her Irish pride. I don’t think I could handle putting someones ashes into my skin.
I can’t speak for my children. They have achieved a lot and I’m proud of them. I miss their company. PTSD is fickle. It tricks me. It’s a furious filter through which the world is misinterpreted. At least that’s my experience with it. I go to dark and scarey places on one hand, yet succeed in my professional life. The split is frustrating. You are correct that I loathe myself. The blame is on my abusers. I’m tired.

 

[ms spock]

I fell apart at my sons wedding too. That was in Jamaica. Travel makes me sick. My therapist told me today that I really should not put my body through the rigors of travel due to my chemical intolerance. He told me I look positively green and my voice was gravelly.

So there was a huge cost to going, and you knew that, but you went anyway. That would have meant a lot to your daughter.

My feelings were too intense. He said my brain doesn’t discriminate between anger vs fear vs joy. It is trauma based. Intensity=sexual abuse and physical abuse=breakdown.

I know this intensity.

That’s pretty pathetic isn’t it?

No, not at all. It is the tough stuff that we have to deal with. I find no comfort in dealing with this type of stuff, but being hard on yourself on top of that is not useful, to my way of thinking.

I really think listening to some Tara Brach on Self Compassion, or some Kristin Neff on youtube could be a good antidote to you beating yourself up at this point.

Both kids weddings their mother breaks down. No wonder they avoid me.

But reality was you weren't avoided. You were invited to the wedding!

So you weren't left out of the wedding! You were invited, and though things happened that you weren't happy with, you were invited and your daughter was pleased that you were there. Some of her being all over the place might have been worrying if you didn't turn up, and she didn't want to look like a fool if you didn't come or stormed off. She was doing the best that she could, as you were doing the best that you could do.

You did really well to go, to stay as long as you did, and make it back alive. You really need to give yourself some credit for what you managed, to my way of thinking.

 

[ms spock]

I emailed Karen’s sister to tell her I miss Karen so much and have they gotten her cause of death yet? She said there is no official cause of death known.

You have had a significant loss of your closest friend, this is still reverberating through you. So some kindness towards yourself please, and not so much beating yourself up, and self loathing.

It is hard dealing with things, but you did go, and you turned up, and you took photos and you did well. Focus on the good stuff as well, then you don't have to engage with the self loathing as much.

 

[blackemerald1]

thank you f

You are most welcome. I like telling you that you are a great Mum and a lovely person even though I feel like you don't want to believe it or accept that you are. I am a Mum with both my adult children living in far flung places and I do the trips for their special occasions...stepping into their frantic, weird & young lifestyles and being tossed around emotionally with one thing or another. Tbh it's a hard thing to balance. I miss them like hell ALL the time and I love them so much. But I raised them to be so dam independent that it is heartbreaking at times. I'd love them to visit me more often or let me into their lives a little more. But honestly my PTSD frustrates them and me so much. So I know that in many ways they are better away from my idk.... misery and I don't blame them bc they are young and free and footloose doing their thing and I would never want to constrain them. I often think they don't have a clue just how much I miss them and think of them.

I’m not considering having anyone’s ashes tattooed

Righto...well yeah I thought possibly you were considering it. I wonder what colour it would be anyway.

Yes PTSD is such a fickle thing. Totally agree with this. So many times I thought I have moved forward and then one tiny misstep and I find it was an illusion. sigh....

go to dark and scarey places on one hand, yet succeed in my professional life. The split is frustrating.

Ah yes the high functioning intelligent woman who is falling apart inside whilst remaining completely composed to the world. I relate to this very much. If only they knew... what happens when I close the door and retreat. I often consider this.

I loathe myself.

Yes I sound very strident with telling you to stop doing this and yet I have to censor and curtail my own self loathing constantly. I am a hypocrite. I know. :(

 

[KwanYingirl]

@Living in the 70s thank you for your perspective. Just need to get back to my new normal.

@blackemerald1 oh I do relate to you so much. I yearn for connection, yet my children have full, busy lives. They spend a lot of time with their father who was largely absent when they were growing up. Now they are his drinking and pot smoking buddies and I don’t have to tell you how hard it is to watch that play out.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Wow. What a difference a few days makes with PTSD. Listen, I really mean it-thank you so much for your support and sage advice. I could have easily destroyed my relationship with my daughter because of hurt feelings that were not based in reality. But I held my tongue and I have a clear vision now. It was not about me. It was her wedding to have in any way she wanted. I made it about me and I could have done damage that I would have surely regretted. Thank you, thank you for your honesty and advice. She has reached out to me because she feels like she blacked out the whole weekend. She can’t remember anything. Now I can help her look back with fondness and love. Yikes, I could have blown it. Fortunately, at the last minute, she hired a videographer and everything was filmed, some from a drone camera. Muchas gracias y’all!!

 

[KwanYingirl]

Fast forward. My daughter sent me the video that was done of the wedding day. I appear in tender moments with my daughter when she was getting hair makeup and dressed. Also other tender moments at the reception. I looked good and was smiling and hugging her. I’m glad they fit me into the video