gnirolockoob
Bronze Member
I'm diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and my doctor knows about the sexual abuse I received in the past. I haven't told him about the flashbacks, or the feeling of fainting and other stuff related to the past because I find it very very difficult to talk about it in person. The only reason my doctor knows is because when I was hospitalized for a relapse I was psychotic and started babbling about it to the resident doctor, who, with my permission, told my attending psychiatrist.
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I had... a sort of affair with someone much older than me when I was younger (7-13 yo). I won't go into details, but I was curious. She was gentle at first, but became more and more violent as time passed by. The people watching or participating also increased. I started to question things and be more resistant. One day I said, no more of this, I'm done. So I got thrown off the second floor and broke both my ankles. I stopped resisting then. I learned to enjoy whatever was being done to me, whatever I was doing.
I realize I'm not the only one, but I can't be satisfied with gentleness. I guess to cut it short the best way to explain it is that I'm a masochist, but everytime I remember it, or be treated gently, badly, violently, lovingly, I remember her voice, and I feel this pain in my heart that I feel will never go away.
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I had... a sort of affair with someone much older than me when I was younger (7-13 yo). I won't go into details, but I was curious. She was gentle at first, but became more and more violent as time passed by. The people watching or participating also increased. I started to question things and be more resistant. One day I said, no more of this, I'm done. So I got thrown off the second floor and broke both my ankles. I stopped resisting then. I learned to enjoy whatever was being done to me, whatever I was doing.
I realize I'm not the only one, but I can't be satisfied with gentleness. I guess to cut it short the best way to explain it is that I'm a masochist, but everytime I remember it, or be treated gently, badly, violently, lovingly, I remember her voice, and I feel this pain in my heart that I feel will never go away.
