Suicidal urges after positive experiences

[Keen]

Do any of you experience strong suicidal urges right after a positive experience?
Not like "that was such a great vacation and I'm low now that its over." I've had that, but this is different.
This is super consistent after any positive experience--a nice relaxing walk and talk with a friend, hanging out at a friends house, visiting with church friends, etc. Immediately after its finished, right when I get into my car, I am just bombarded with the urge to commit suicide.
Its really confusing and I don't understand it. I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this, and if they have any insights from themselves or their therapists about what this phenomenon is?

 

[Tinyflame]

Idk. Except saying it feels 'appropriate' if I'm no longer there. 'There' or existing in general.

 

[NightSky]

Yes. Although mine is often self harm urges vs suicide, or maybe suicide ideation for a short while after. I’ve talked to my T about this. The best reason I could come up with is that the parts of me that are in pain will cause backlash if I experience joy. Almost like they’re little kid parts that feel like I’ve left them behind and won’t give them what they need if I’ve ventured out to live life for five seconds. It’s really frustrating. I’ve learned to start almost talking to those parts and reassuring them that their needs are real and important and I haven’t forgotten about them. (I’m talking “parts” in the Internal Family Systems sense, not DID). It has been helpful sometimes. But it also has caused me not to venture out as much as I used to. I’m hoping as I heal that urge will be less frequent. Not sure if this will resonate with you or not. But you’re not alone.

 

[Keen]

Your response resonated a lot, @NightSky , thank you so much. I do have DID, and I could see parts of me being threatened if I feel joy, or feeling they will be ignored, etc. Thank you so much for this insight!

Idk. Except saying it feels 'appropriate' if I'm no longer there. 'There' or existing in general.

I get this, and I think sometimes this is what is going on on some of the occassions, almost as if you don't deserve to be there, so its more 'right' if you're not?

 

[Tinyflame]

ou don't deserve to be there, so its more 'right' if you're not?

Yes maybe @Keen , that one's mind looks for proof of it or refutation, and then has to decide if it is a cognitive distortion or simply factual.

 

[Anana]

I have it too. And mostly it is activated when i hear compliments. I have two hypothesis. Either "I don't deserve to hear it and be happy"belief, so i must be punished or it is a coping strategy for soothing strong emotions (I feel the same exhausted after bad and good emotions,so it's a way to overlap the pain)

 

[Ronin]

Yep. (In short.)

In a bit longer reply, comes from multiple places / good things often going spectacularly sideways, blood following celebrations, super boring (relatively) and long term abuses in which my joy was not allowed and theirs was sadism (bonus points for hurt via people I cared for), self loathing for not doing enough with that and not seeing the particular way things were coming // not hiding emotions better, the joyous being the last moments we had together / never having follow up and getting to tell them how much I loved them and that moment, never getting to repay it and leaving debts (outstanding, on top of not protecting them..... I also left that moment or four), disliking myself for not being over it / not able to share / not having good time enough with good people as one of the least.

And all too often, the gut wrenching grief for what could have been / never will, because I am just not smart f*cking enough to change them, the situations, (and cannot change the time.)

The moments it is just about me and feeling good mixed in with punishment triggers, or being just stressful because unfamiliar, are relatively easy to tackle. IDGAF if I live, most days. So we have a coffee and sleep it off, yes?, because that particular f*ckMe is just SNAFU, nothing to work through there.

It is when it is about other people it is gutting me / the risk is real and not just a feeling. Have to monitor it super closely, that I am somewhen else, somewhere else, with someone else, or wishing for something else, now.

 

[backtonormal]

I'm so sorry that you experience that. I only suggest you speak with your therapist about it. Also, it may be a good idea to let a few of your trusted friends/church friends know what is going on so maybe they can check in with you after spending time with them? I know that when I'm with my friends, having an awesome time and then all of sudden they're gone and it's just me again there's that overwhelming loneliness. I'll be praying for you and hoping you get some answers and guidance.

 

[Keen]

Thank you so much, @backtonormal, it means a lot, and thats a really good idea.

 

[bellbird]

Yes!
I haven't had suicidal ideations for several months now, but I always get hit with a massive wave of depression/sadness/other weird 'negative' emotions right after an especially good day or positive experience.

It sucks and it's a frustratingly reliable occurrence.
Thanks for starting this thread @Keen , I thought I was the only one :)

 

[Keen]

I'm glad it could help you feel less alone, @bellbird (as you did me, when you said you'd had the same experience).

 

[shatter eyes]

I get it also. For me it is things went good so lets die on a good day. Being thankful to have a chance to control life and close the chapter on a good day. Its weird and really bothersome. Almost like a condition response to avoid good experiences.