Sufferer Support until therapy session

[lovak]

Hello everyone,
How to introduce myself? It's weird to introduce yourself with your most private things. I'll start easy. I'm a young woman, married, house owner, a great job as a manager. I'm rational, prepared, and in control.
Or at least, I was, untill a week ago. When everything came rushing back in. I've experienced sexual trauma when I was 14, then again when I was 17, but the second time around it lasted several months.
I was admitted and followed therapy daily. This was more based on how to get functioning again then on recovery. And, well, I learned how to function, though it took me two and a half years. I got a job, met my husband. Everything seemed well, i functioned. I guess i was trying so hard to function I did it a bit too well.
I had to keep everything under control at all times and I couldn't stop doing anything. The past year this got worse, and a week ago I crashed.

I thought I was just overworked, burn out. I get better, it might take a few months but I'll get better. But every day since then my symptoms have started to come back. The anxiety. Derealization. Flashbacks. Pure anger. The urge to selfharm. It seems like everyday I'm slipping further away.

I think I haven't dealt with my PTSD at all. I just repressed it again, I did that well. But it cost me a lot. It was totally unsustainable. I cant control everything, but I tried so hard.

I do have an appointment with a therapist planned, 13 days from now. I just don't know how to make it anymore. If everyday I slip further away, how low can I go before I come to that lowest point again?

I just hope by signing up to this forum I make it to that appointment at least somewhat stable, that it'll prevent me from getting worse and worse.

I feel despair and rage and then I don't feel nothing at all. I've already turned to self harm and alcohol but I actually don't want to. I just want to have my life back. I just really don't want to go back to what happened. I rather ground myself in unhealthy ways than go trough that again and again.

Sorry for rambling.

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, this is totally normal. Everything works ... until it doesn't anymore.

I'm sorry you're having trouble, but I hope you find these forums to be of help. Welcome.

 

[ILoveLife]

Welcome :hug:

What sort of therapy have you tried?
Are you going back to the same therapist?

I was doing therapy with a T which was solely based on denial and avoidance. Which by all means seemed to diminish symptoms and did in fact make me more functional but didn't go to the core of the issue.
I found it extremely helpful to start a diary here, you can try that along side the rest of the forums.

I'm really sorry you're struggling.

 

[lovak]

@Sietz Sounds exactly like the therapy I've recieved. I'm not sure of the English term, but it was something like Clinical Scheme Therapy. Never used much of that actually. It was mostly responsibility based imo.
I'm not going back to that, I've been referred by my GP to a psychologist that works one day at his practice. That's the quickest solution. Other therapist/therapy have waiting lists from a couple of months up to a couple of years.

I requested my last therapist to do EMDR but there was no time left as I had to leave in two months and it would bring all those things back up, and I wouldnt know how to deal with it.

 

[ILoveLife]

It was mostly responsibility based imo

So was mine.
What I learned was that it was in fact my responsibility to have the very best treatment possible. ;)
And you seem to be doing just that. :)

 

[blackemerald1]

Welcome @lovak - I hope we can give you some support at least and even after you start therapy again.

I am sorry you are slipping backwards so quickly. What do you think started the slide? What do you think might help slow it down for you right now?
:hug:
b1

 

[lovak]

What started it... I think my body and mind couldnt take my lifestyle anymore. I was unstoppable, I had to do everything perfectly. I was never alone with my thoughts. When driving or showering I was constantly reminding myself of the things I had to do. I didnt have any rest physically or mentally, and then my mind had enough. Suddenly something clicked, I realized I wasnt taking care of myself and I broke down crying. Now Ive called in sick, my anxiety is taking over and I cant seem to distract myself any longer so the thoughts come rushing back in. Getting something to eat from the fridge a few steps away is already difficult right now.

What I need? I dont know, I just want to flee back in the imaginery world where nothing happend. I want to go to sleep, and to wake up in the morning and get to my job.

But when Im being realistic. I need to get help as soon as possible. Im thinking about making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow to at least ask for medication. Maybe I wont be tempted to selfmedicate with alcohol or self harm.

 

[lovak]

Is there any way someone else could have edited this topic title? I don't remember writing the hospital admission part and I havent been admitted to a hospital. I don't generally make mistakes like that, I'm really confused, did I really type that?
I have been thinking about how far I'll let myself slip before considering crisis hospitalization but I don't remember typing this

 

[somerandomguy]

Yes, it's not you @lovak - the mods often go in and edit thread titles to add more information.

 

[lovak]

Thank you so much for explaining, It's freaking me out when I dont remember stuff

 

[EveHarrington]

Welcome!

Report your own post to say the title is incorrect. Mods will fix it.

 

[Justmehere]

Welcome to the forums!

Is there any way someone else could have edited this topic title?

Yes, moderators sometimes edit titles to make it easier to navigate the forum. The title has been changed to better reflect the content of your post. Moving forward, please raise questions via help ticket. Thanks!