The Alias of Mr Fear - PTSD and My Fears

[GodSeeker]

Hello,
This is a great site. Thank you! I dont speak english well just little but I understand clearly (even you speek chinese :rolleyes: because this is about human things, I fell it). Apologize my english please. I speak french. I have "PTSD" which simply means I am affraid. Affraid and agitated. 35 old men I am. Living in Buenos Aires - Argentina 13000 km away from my native country Algeria. Affraid and with high levels of stress. I live with it. I have been under Lexapro for 1 year 1/2 approx for depression. But I knew that only I healed depression, fear was still there. Only me know that I have "it". Neither family, parents, friends. A time after a trauma, I heard that some friends think that it is something wrong with me. I stopped meeting them. Simply they think I "tilted", insane (I dont find the word) I dont know what I do with my live. For new year I received a call from my sister which said to me "come to France or return to Algeria, we wish to see you". I respond "i have nothing to do there" I dont want to call to my family because I dont know what talk to them. I am emotionnally numbed. No feel. For instance I am here. Like a warrior. Fighting with live. Fighting against my "internal dragon" as say samourais masters.
Everyday is a fight!! Every minute is a hell. No rest for me. No rest man! Everytime running! No peace for me! Not yet! But I dont know why I guess something. Something behind this human tragedy! Something transcendental because PTSD come from FEAR. PTSD...is an alias for a fear. FEAR is the root and I readed that PTSD sufferer has experienced fear of death, of phisically anihilated. Something deeply ours has been touched.
For instance I continue my life so. Thank you for reading this post.
GodSeeker

 

[becvan]

Welcome Godseeker.

Yes, PTSD trancends all languages. Our differences in our spoken language won't stop us from understanding each other. If you need anything clarified, don't hesitate to ask.

I understood your post perfectly, glad you found us.

Bec

 

[nugget]

Dont worry about the language barrier ive been speaking English for 44yrs and have trouble understanding myself lol. Welcome aboard i hope you find some form of inner peace and tame that internal dragon.

 

[anthony]

Hi Godseeker, welcome to the forum. PTSD is PTSD and that is what brings us all together. Yes, PTSD is fed from stress, stress is created from fear, all in all, pretty much everything feeds our PTSD when uncontrolled. There is one way, and one way only to beat PTSD, by going straight through it.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Welcome to the board!

 

[batgirl]

Welcome to the board, Godseeker. Cool name... sounds like a video game! :) For someone who doesn't speak English, I understood you very clearly. I hope you enjoy this forum and get a lot out of it.

 

[cookie]

hey, Godseeker, welcome.
cathy

 

[GodSeeker]

Thank you for everyone! I always have a hope that someday I will beat this fear. Thank you again.

 

[Terry]

Hello, your english is OK. My wife speaks some French. Fear IS hell. Welcome

 

[wildcritter44]

Godseeker,

Welcome -- many hugs to you. I understood your post, your english is good.

Just keep asking those questions -- you will get answers.

Fear of the unknown is the biggest fear of all. With any luck the others can get taken care of with time.

Best wishes

D (wildcritter)

 

[goingonhope]

I always have a hope that someday I will beat this fear.

Thank you GodSeeker for finding and joining us here. Welcome! You say, "I always have a hope that someday I will beat this fear."...me too, GodSeeker...me too. My hope and persistance continues to keep me alive. Jump right in to the forum, if you'd like, and allow us to get to know you, and you us. There are some really good people around, here.

 

[GodSeeker]

PTSD seen from inside

Hello Goingonhope,
Yes. Hope always is there...waiting. But hope alone is not enough. Action is necesary. In my case, my problems began at 11 years old. At beginning I believe that it was social phobia. I began to learn about psychology and other related issues. I can say that today at 35 years old. I know the principle of the all therapies classic and alternatives. I found that classical approach of "telling" to the psy is not the solution (for me at least) I am close to physical therapies but not passive therapies. Active therapies were you simply do what you wont to do when PTSD began. In other words "give blows, kicks,..." It is simple but complicated to do. Simple to the "intellect" to understand it but very very mortal in the practice. What happens? We say that we have not energy??? false!!. We (PTSD sufferers) have more energy and strength than a steroid-taken-bodybuilder (a bodybuilder that take amphetamines, steroids, vitamins and other energizants..) Much more than a gong fu master!! Why? we allways fighting, we allways on our guard, always looking at the sides, we "are" always in danger (of course fictice but real to our mind) A PTSD sufferer to me is like a warrior in the middle of a battle. All the time facing "death". The question is that this monstuous amount of energy we have is spent in the bad way. What if you dont believe anymore your self in danger? you will be a strong man or women... A man or women forged in iron. Every time our body is red lighted...Every time...without rest even sleeping...without peace...without love (which is contrary to fear) lonelyness, permanent thinking...What happens if this energy is liberated?...I dont know...So I consider that we have a lot of energy but spent in the wrong way like Don quichote de la mancha which find enemies everywhere he looks.
After studying about all "therapies" I conclude that "mind-focused" therapies dont work (for me) because our body is all the time trying to free this energy but social convenience dont allow it. So what? you want to strike somebody :boxem: but you can't!! We have a fear of loose control!! We dont know what we can do!! So this energy keeps there in your cells tourmenting you.
Yesterday was a bad day for me. My mind is always trying to find a sense to my history to definitely store it as a ordinary memory!! Still these events stay without sense they continue gravitate around and everything, everything has a minimal relation with them (that means all the time) will be other opportunity again and again to my mind to find a sense to what since years I can't understand. I can understand it!! but I dont dare!!! I have fear! Fear of hurting someone! Fear of being hurt! Fear of jugement!! Fear prevent the body from giving sense to the inexpressible, to the unexplainable. I must understand! If not then this energy has to be expressed by what we call "PTSD, phobia, anxiety, depression, tiredness, fatigue, pains, nightmares, permanent thinking, insomnia, angry,.." you name it...His rooted-cause is fear. What f...is this fear?:up-yours: Why I have this fear?? Why I can feel it but dont react to it (freeze)? Why I cannot face it like recommend orientals? Most of the time in the street I want to :gunem-dow I am so angry with the others!! What is love? I dont know? But if after some 25 years wasting energy to the shit I am still here!! and I always will be here!!!:biggrin: Fear or no fear!! It dont matters! I am not crazy!! I am a maths teacher you know!! I teach executives, bank employees, administratives, ingenieurs to take GMAT, GRE, TOEFFEL exams here in Argentina to study in the USA and Europe...Fot this I am making students happy because they will realize their dreams to studying what they want, to work in prestigious universities, get a good job and earn a good money...I make people happy!! much of them has told to me that i have make them happy because they will do what he always wanted to. So I am a sufferer but not a crazy man. Of course I have anger and who no? I have fear but who no? I am alone but who no? The problem is this continual suffer, how can we deal with it? Yes breath, rest, vitamins...I have feath that it can be healed totallty...because we are not different to others...I means I can be happy, I have the deeply right to be happy and PTSD is an obstacle to othis happiness like physical illness or powerty to others. I dont know why but i have the faith that I can be happy just face this fear...Before this tragedy I was a full healthy child, no drugs, no smoke, intelligent, love sport, always moving...and all fo you I am sure too. I want to find this child with his spontaneity and innocent happyness. It is possible. I am sure. Just I must do it.
After 25 years we had a lot of time to think, search, investigate, conclude and what? It is all about training! Yes training! Do 50 pushups a day and after a month you have a larger chest. You adapt. So why no train to let my body express this fear. Giving it a the force to face it day after day a lilltle more because I am sure the solution is not passive (talking) I have to break things, blow, kick...and cry, shout, jump, blow at the wall. Too much energy is accumulated.
One day in metro I pushed someone slightly but with determination and little of this accumulated energy. I felt good I swear. Instantly I loose guilty, low selfesteem...I blow this men to defend myself (to my mind) I defend myself and then I am not weak, I am not inferior and I am right because I can let somebody hurt me because I am equal to anybody. In this moment I felt very good. Imagine if you can find the way to reproduce this situation without hurting anybody!!
This was a little story about me and what I think about PTSD (I like to call it non liberated fear)
I feel myself better since I can write these posts. Apologize my bad english.