The big black hole that is isolation.

[therisa]

Abstract, I wish i had a magical answer for you, but I don't. For myself, being around people, is both physically and emotionally exhuasting, which I need isolation, for healing, but I take it, too far. As for relationships, I have very few and often don't get beyond the surface. Scared that my past will repeat itself, and I will get badly scared, again, which I mentally beat myself, up. Mentally cutting myself, until only a barren corpse, is left behind.

 

[Leah123]

Abstract, I am so sorry to hear you're feeling low and disconnected and afraid that it's getting worse. It sounds like you're doing a lot of what you feel like you "should" be doing, and I am *not* saying that's a bad thing, but what are you doing that you *want* to be doing? What are you doing that helps relax you, give you pleasure, comforts you, without feeling a sense of obligation or pressure? That is my suggestion- to think about your favorite mindless pastimes and indulge in them, nurture yourself.

 

[Sterre]

Pfew, reading this topic is very confronting, to say the least.

It makes me very sad to realise this is never going to get better.

 

[Hope4future]

It's a strange kind of comfort to know you're not the only one with these feelings and reactions. I can relate to the isolation feeling like a bottomless pit, the urge to cut to release pressure and emotion, and the sense that I'm living a false life where everything looks fine on the outside while inside I'm dying. It does feel hopeless. The solace I've found here is that if so many if us feel the same way, then maybe these feelings aren't some weakness or failure in me, but a natural response to the traumas we've endured. I don't know how helpful that is when you're in the middle of the storm, but maybe it's something to hang on to.

Abstract, I'm sorry life is so painful right now. I don't have any suggestions, just compassion.

 

[franciemarnie]

When you talk about sinking into the abyss, that really brought back a rough time, which I hasten to add I came out of!

I literally would feel a vertigo of falling each morning when I woke and remembered my life. It was the scariest black hole I ever knew. I wasn't seeing any people but the man who became my husband. He would com over every night, and every morning stopped by and left a donut on my couch while I slept.

The black hole is the worst, feeling sucked down and almost helpless to stop it. But though I had no energy (I had lost my job so thank God didn't have to go anywhere) and no appetite for food (or anything else for that matter), I forced myself to eat a peanut butter sandwich every day and if at all possible some exercise in my apt.

I was committed once. I never want that to happen again.

I also read books, memoirs mostly of other people who went thru as bad or worse than me. That helped me feel less alone and alienated. Gradually I came out of it.

You will get thru this. Stay in the day. Just do the next right thing and don't think about your global future. At least for me this worked. If I contemplated my life when I was going thru a dark night of the soul, it was unbearable. You have been thru the worst. You will survive this.

 

[Abstract]

Thanks everyone. Sorry that so many relate.

Feel a little embarrassed as it maybe came across as a vent which I suppose it was. Maybe venting is OK sometimes. I think I have more clarity about where I am with this now after discussing it.

I interact and it is reasonably OK but then afterwards I feel like it was all wrong

I understand this very well Lizio. I have done a lot of work on self acceptance and in some ways am so much better. I am no longer afraid of being liked in a conventional social phobia way but as I have gone through this thread I have realised that I am still very afraid of affecting people with my "issues" or being judged because of them. Partly pride and partly being aware it isn't the time or place and nor something people want to be hearing. There also seems to still be a lot of paranoia when with other people. That instinctive fear that something bad is going to happen or that I am doing something wrong or weird.

Very much know that feeling of feeling all was well and then being hit by all the doubts and feelings after. It's awful. In the past it has ended up so intense that I would obsess about contacting everyone I saw to get some reassurance. It's hard to put into words how bad it was then. Sorry you have this too.

pretend

I was thinking about it and I think pretending is part of the problem. Authenticity is something I try for all the time. It helps me with general stress levels, energy and with identity issues. I try to be authentic considering the context and what is appropriate but really the truth is that hiding symptoms is exhausting and never feels authentic. There is always that sense of having to be hidden. And some of that can feel shameful in a sense. I have let some of that go but there is more.

I do think a lot of what you describe is about distorted perceptions though and self fulfilling prophecies, but you know that. :-) Easy to say, huh?

just make me feel bad about myself.

Sorry they leave you feeling that way Anna. It is exhausting. I don't think others make us feel bad about ourselves. I think we and the past make us feel bad about ourselves. I certainly understand what you mean though. The interactions bring up a mass of complex and tiresome things and things I don't want to think or feel. When by myself it is calmer and I am not confronted with this stuff in the same way either.

but I'm not often really living

I understand that. Especially when there are so many demands on you and you have your own past to deal with. I hope you are careful of relapse.

maybe I need to let go of the old connection(s), the faking it with others, and just focus on things I'm interested in (alone) and that by doing so I'll begin having the sense of being genuinely connected with others around our mutual interests.

The faking it is exhausting. I have reigned in the amount of pushing myself past my abilities by a lot for a while now and it did help me a lot. I got to the point where I just could not sustain it any more. In the past the only consideration was how it looked on the outside or what others wanted from me. The other extreme is that it is easy to slip away entirely into almost zero contact with others which I ended up doing. Finding a balance where I am not making myself unwell but am still doing what I can to keep in contact with life and give as much as possible to those I care about is a constant balancing act.

I have come a long way with self care after a lot of hard work. I don't find it easy but I do it. Like a dose of medicine. Initially it made me hate myself more but it does help a lot in the longer term. Lots of things I most cared about PTSD seems to have taken from me at present sadly, such as reading and other activities where I feel unprotected. I am afraid everything that involves other people is difficult. That sounds very negative. Work is the most successful as I seem to be able to compartmentalise in a way that doesn't leave me feeling as exposed. Thank you for reminding me it is OK to look after my needs and I hope your experiment works.

negative feelings lead to isolation,

They certainly do Junebug. Sadly the more I seem to be in touch with what my needs are the more I realise how exhausting interacting with others is. It's sad. I did the behavioural "act as if" stuff for so long and that did help a lot of social phobia stuff but it seems I then hit a brick wall.

I ignore awareness of it as best I can

I understand this actually. It's hard to look at the reality and hard not to feel hopeless when I do.

and I will get badly scared, again

I think this instinctive stuff is always there. It is like a horrible nagging voice in my head that I pretend I don't hear. In fact it's more than that isn't it? It's a gut reaction. Hopefully processing trauma will help it.

What are you doing that helps relax you, give you pleasure, comforts you, without feeling a sense of obligation or pressure?

Thanks Leah! I do need to look at the big picture again as I feel like I have lost track of the balls that I am juggling. If I can have some clarity about where I am, why and where I want to go then that helps.

Solitary things! ;-) I have been doing way more than I am comfortable recently but thinking about it there is good reason as I have a friend in need at the moment and I am Ok if I am worse for it for a bit. I don't mean this in a martyrrish way! I have not had much contact with many people for a while now. This is a time to be there for her as much as I am able to. So it isn't obligation as such as is motivated from genuine concern even though at the same time it is doing me in. At the same time I am being very bad with others. It is as if all the energy I can muster is going on her at present.

never going to get better.

Oh Sterre, I can't think that way. If I did then it would have a terrible effect on me. I may not be able to feel that it will change or believe it on some level but I refuse to accept that this is it. I hope all of us can improve things and I am trusting on some level that processing trauma and looking at my trust issues will help.

compassion.

Thank you for your compassion and understanding Hope. It is a help to not be alone isn't it? Shame doesn't help at all and tends to make it all a hundred times worse. The sense of others being better off without me and the sense of relationships being impossible. At least accepting there is reason for this hopefully gives something that makes it more likely to get past the shame and self hatred.

Just do the next right thing and don't think about your global future. At least for me this worked.

Thank you FrancieMarnie,
I am so sorry you went through that and glad you came out the other side. I think I was being a bit dramatic. Find myself wanting to say I am fine. The truth is that some things are doing Ok ish at present and other parts I feel are slipping away. Like the ability to be emotionally connected to another human being. That is painful. It's that feeling of loosing grip of something that is slipping away and feeling I won't get it back if the last bit leaves my fingers.

 

[Abstract]

I think I have analysed most of this now.
My one friend is in need of me at present and am there for her. By no means does that mean I am living in her pocket but for me it is still a lot and taking it's toll. I am accepting of the fallout with this and will work on managing the damage for me while this happens. It is important to me.

A big part of this is I think related to a big drop in connection with my sister. Many reasons for that. She has moved from being around the corner from me to near my mother. That is difficult. It also seems I struggle much more to take the steps that are needed when someone is at a distance. It's like she is slipping away to a place where I don't have a sense of her caring about me at all. And that goes for the rest of my family. That is a very complex topic all on it's own and I think what this is mostly about. I have a lot of conflicting feelings at present and a lot of confusion that is making me feel a little crazy.

My trust issues and their impact on interpersonal issues run deep. I am just plain tired and tired of pretending. The biggest and most telling manifestation of this seems to be my inability to get back into therapy. It is so strong that my mind literally does not let me look for a therapist and for over a year now. My thoughts empty entirely every single time I try and physically stop me.

In some situations I am now confident, socially able and relatively poised. When it comes to emotional intimacy I am quite frankly terrified on a very deep and instinctual level and hopeless. I am not sure others are aware of it really as I seem to be a good actress but I can feel that I am less and less able to be OK with intimacy with others and it is painful.

So I guess I will continue to manage the self care as a priority whilst doing what I can for my friend and to try to pry apart this family issue. What to do about the trust problems I am not sure. Authenticity, self care and figuring out the family mess.

Sorry to be so verbose.

 

[Abstract]

I haven't had a great few days. Drama and whine alert here.

I don;t know what I was thinking by going. Two days and one night - not something I have done in as long as I can remember. I managed to be a good girl and hide most of my nutsness pretty well from others but by the time the evening came I was a mess. It took all my skill usage to keep from freaking to the point of waking the house up. I sat there having one panic attack after the other and stopping intrusive stuff. Freaking out in my room with nowhere to go and people sleeping nearby in the dead quiet.

And on top of this the normality I was surrounded by was so painful. Like a deep ache. A relaxed and close couple and two lovely children Friends and neighbours drop by. It's obvious how casual and natural all that is and how socialising is just a normal part of a normal life.

And then a drive through the countryside and past the beach. People hanging around with their children and families and partaking in normal life.

Children :wideeyed: How does anyone do that. I truly would hate to know how unwell I would be if I had them. Relationships. :wideeyed: Socialising :wideeyed:

Such an awful reality check about the state of my life when it comes to isolation. Every single thing I do, every text I answer and every shop I visit is a strain and a decision I have to make. And something I have to recover from. It is very hard to contain how much I detest myself for that. Very disturbing.

Realising I essentially don't really live.

 

[Pencil]

verbose

:roflmao: you need a dictionary:roflmao:!

 

[Abstract]

I certainly do! Language is all over the shop but that is another story. But with this do you think I am succinct?! :wideeyed: PS. OK. :oops: I it seems it indicates not using plain language whereas I thought of it as being wordy. I think I have always used it incorrectly,

 

[Pencil]

Yes, hardly what I would call verbose - only 5 short paragraphs. Short and sweet and to the point.

You can do better! :D

 

[Pencil]

the normality I was surrounded by was so painful. Like a deep ache.

I know that feeling.