The Friendship Quality

[saffy]

I have realized after reading some posts that the topic of friends comes up a lot.

I thought it would be good to discuss what the qualities of a good or bad friend is. :)

I will write down the qualities I like and look for in a friend.

1) They should be trustworthy.

I watch how they treat others around and try to find out their opinions on stealing from friends, for instance. Also if they let anyone down regularly.

2) They should be considerate of my needs as well as their own.

Suggest a few ideas and see their response, if they are negative or dismissive then they will be more likely to just want to do what they want to without any consideration to my needs too. I wouldn't do that as it makes any relationship one sided.

3) They should have good opinions but not too judgmental of others or gossip about others.

If they gossip or judge them to me you bet they will be doing the same about me with them. It just the type of person they are. I do not like people gossiping or judging me, they have no right. :)

I would like to say that I show these qualities to others and this respect should be shown back. If not they are certainly not going to make good friends. :)

It would be interesting to read some other posts on the subject. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[The Albatross]

I can agree up to a point. The point where I measure myself to the criteria I assign others. I go back through the list and add, "Am I...". Am I trustworthy. Am I letting people down regularly? Am I considerate of others needs as well as my own?

In very short order, it can become clear, that there are no hard fast rules on quality friendships. They are living things... they exist in the gap between "me" and "the other person". I have to use the same measuring stick I use for "them" on myself.

 

[saffy]

Am I...". Am I trustworthy. Am I letting people down regularly? Am I considerate of others needs as well as my own?

Hi Albatross,

And are you? :)

I find it is up to me to be those things, yes, but I need to recognise certain traits and behaviours in others before I even consider letting them into my life.

It is not up to me to change or keep them like me, they need the same qualities and attitude to life also and I feel actions speak louder than words. If that makes sense. :)

If I was devious or a gossip or a user or completely selfish or inhumane or uncaring then I would not need to bother with what the other person is like.

But I know I would never hurt anyone and expect the same treatment back and to make sure of this I need to recognise what people are really like as a whole rather than just taking their word for it when we meet.

I wonder how many of us have been fooled and abused by people who pretend to be like us but are really just playing a game?

I suppose for me I had to start from scratch to learn what it meant to have good friends and how to find them and what to look for in them and what to do about it. I already knew I would be a good friend. I just mad a lot of bad choices :)

I guess I just wanted to learn more so that I could grow and be happier. I felt before I would be mistrusting or unsure and had no confidence because I just did not know what to look for in a person and had confusing time trying to work them out.

In variably I got hurt a lot because of my naivety and lack of esteem. :)

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tinyflame]

I think everyone has deal breakers, of course the people who mean harm likely won't let on that way. But on a diferent vein, even with good intentions I don't think I always make the best friend by any means. Especially the ptsd can complicate things, what I don't accomplish or can't say or feel or let others down, too.

 

[The Albatross]

Hi Albatross,

And are you? :)

Not perfectly. Nor do I expect anybody to be with me, I think it is an unrealistic expectation. Except like Junebug says, the deal breakers.

If you already knew hot to be a good friend, you are lucky. I didn't. It took some trial and error to work that out.

 

[maddog]

Gosh, I struggle with this terribly, both in terms of what I want/expect from others and what I want to be/offer in myself. I truly have no mental template for this - just realising that has been one of my greatest and most confronting revelations in the past couple of years. Human relationships are such a standard part of life, they can't possibly be so complicated and difficult... except that they are.

Just a couple of thoughts for now and I'll come back to this...

Those of us who have been repeatedly abused or subject to controlling or destructive relationships in the past, particularly during childhood, need to be extra careful, and extra gentle with ourselves, about our choice of friends and human relationships in general. I am a big believer in "trusting my instincts", but also know that when I am conditioned to being attracted to abusive people, these instincts aren't always in my best interests, which is why it's useful to reflect very consciously on our own values and to use them to identify some criteria by which to assess others. It sounds clinical and inhumane almost, but I think it's a useful and protective exercise.

So if being nonjudgmental of others is something you value in yourself, for example, it's an important trait to look for in your friends. Same applies to honesty (bearing in mind that none of these things are achievable all of the time, because we're human and aren't perfect...)

Friendships should not be one-sided. Both parties should, more or less, give and receive equally in terms of their time, emotional investment and capacity to support the other. This balance will tip to and fro as life "happens" to both parties, but over time it should balance out roughly equal. If you feel you can't confide in your friend, but he/she is constantly doing this to you, there's a faint alarm bell beginning to sound about the other person. Similarly, if you realise that you're always doing things *you* enjoy when you catch up, but you aren't even sure what the other person likes to do, then that's probably a similar alarm bell that might be ringing for you.

These are superficial random examples, but reflecting on the "balance" is a useful friendship health checking exercise sometimes I think.

I sound so informed don't I... and am such a frightened hypocrite. Friendships are one of my greatest struggles, which is why I think about them too much I guess!

Maddog

 

[saffy]

These are superficial random examples, but reflecting on the "balance" is a useful friendship health checking exercise sometimes I think.

HI

I agree with all you have said.

I was brought up in an abusive household and through this found that the only people I could turn to were my peers, who at the time were not able to give me good advice and support.

I Like your balance analogy. It makes perfect sense to me.

Before I thought it was balanced because I had no idea what I should be doing to make sure my needs were respected. I also thought I was not worth it anyway.

When I realised I was and started getting to know myself I realised that actually I have good qualities that I never recognised before because I was always told differently.

My head was so wrapped up with anxiety I could not think rationally at all. As things started to come to light about myself I started to step back and notice others actions more and had a better idea of their behaviour and attitudes because I had a rational comparison.

By totally emptying my mind of conditional thoughts, that were evidently not true at all when I got to know myself better, It occurred to me that I had no idea and am having to learn like a child about proper relationships that, like you said should be equal.

No one can be totally perfect but I can certainly set myself better standards now and hope fully stick to those to give me a good chance of actually meeting people who are more likely to be good friends than not. Before I seemed to just attract abusive people who were manipulative and selfish to say the least.

These were behaviours shown from my parents so thought it was the norm and I was the one who was out of order and bad.

It took me a long time to realise these traits in my parents and it allowed me to see them for what they were really like. What an eye opener.

I suppose then I had to relearn it all from scratch.

I got to know me so now I need to get to know others. It has certainly helped now I know myself better, what I like, what I expect and what I can give.

Keeping it basic I would think anybody would say they want friends they can trust and who are considerate and caring.

It is how to separate these from the B*stards. I am just learning.

I suppose the purpose of this post was for guidance for me but also to open up thoughts on the subject because from what I read on this forum I appear not to be the only one who is scared of getting into yet another abusive relationship. :)

I think it would help if we could be as prepared as possible to recognise the signs and understand our feelings and needs so we can make rational decisions faster. :)

Thank you so much everyone for your comments it is appreciated. :)

best wishes
Saffy :)