The Hero Brother As Auxiliary Parent

[Escape Goat]

First, I am the eldest, the scapegoat / lost child, and Asperger-autistic.

2nd in line is the brother who became the hero taking on responsibility as if he was the father of the household. Because Dad himself was the living epitome of irresponsibility and such an idiot, Mom felt it fit to delegate him as an auxiliary parent to help her administer discipline to me each and every time there was an issue, which was every minute of every day.

3rd in line is my sister, the only girl and golden child, and then the younger brother, clown / mascot.

It was an all too common sight. He would swoop in upon hearing another of Mom's diatribes directed at me, and he was always and forever quick to add his input. How on Earth could a YOUNGER brother be granted such a special privilege as to tell me how to and how not to live my life?

I would angrily respond: "did I ask you for an opinion?", and then repeat the Q like a loop tape. Unbelievably, Mom would intervene on his behalf!

In blatant defiance to the injustice and also to the strict in house edict for foul language, I would then switch gears and start yelling like a loop tape: Mind you own ****ing business Go **** yourself. Mom's furor with me would only escalate. In defiance to the unfairness, my voice then raised all the way up to the point that the windows rattled in their frames. MIND YOUR OWN ****ING BUSINESS GO **** YOURSELF

My speech would turn into a Niagara of raw sewage. It would end with me storming out the door yelling at Mom: "If he'd just ****ing mind his own ****ing business, there ****ing wouldn't ****ing be so ****ing many ****ing problems, and then ending with my slamming the door and being away for hours. This went on each and every day.

I was a genuine sewer mouth for that. You think Mom would connect the dots after so many episodes of that? Hell no, no way, not a chance. The hero brother was the stand-in father and that was that.

No such method was ever applied to the 2 younger siblings.

Anybody here ever seen anything like that?

Escape Goat

 

[Friday]

No such method was ever applied to the 2 younger siblings.

Anybody here ever seen anything like that?

Sure. I know quite a lot of younger children who stepped up into either an eldest child or parental role, for a lot of different reasons. Some good, some not, & some just neutral.

I also know of virtually no good parent who treats all of their children the same (although I know of a lot of abusive parents who do). But I also know far more good parents than bad. 1000's of "right" ways to parent, and only 3 "wrong" ways (abuse, neglect, absent), mean that there's this huge spectrum of how children are parented differently. The absolute best parents I know treat their children all very differently... Depending on each child's own strengths, weaknesses, talents, personality, etc. Just an one example amongst thousands, what's fun for an extrovert & an introvert are worlds apart.

I don't know your trauma history, not making any judgements there... But as far as children fulfilling roles outside the stereotypical role by age, and parents treating children differently? Both are very normal in non-abusive households, as well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So tell me this.

If you're the family scape goat, why haven't you kicked these people out of your life?

Seems to me like you have the power to change but maybe you don't actually want to change? Is it easier to sit here and complain about them rather than actually take action? Sorry if that's a bit hard hitting, but at this point, you're well into adulthood as you're in your 50's yet you continue to put up with BS behavior. Yes, they are to blame for the way they treat you, but at the same time maybe its time to look at your role in all of this in that you don't set boundaries in which you say that their behavior is not tolerable. Like it or not, we teach people how to treat us by the behavior we accept from them.

 

[Escape Goat]

Solara,

It is far more complicated than I have ever realized myself, even if I'm running very late in life in dealing with this. I have been going to counseling for quite a few years now and only very recently has the true picture really come into focus. It all started with Dad being a very problematic and needy man whose soul was murdered at a tender age, and Mom growing up in poverty and neglect in an overly fanatical Catholic family. And yes, it is only recently I have come to realize how my upbringing was a rip off and a jerk off considering the expectations that were always put on me.

It is also only recently I realized how Mom has lived her life vicariously through me all that time and the myriad opportunities that have been torn away from me with all that hypocrisy, besides having been raised on double standards and sugar-coated lies. I am proud to say I have since defected the Catholic faith, washed my hands of it all, and chose to not raise my daughter in such a horrible and filthy stinking artificial hell. My being a rebel and non-conformist to the core was a mitigating factor to becoming the Scapegoat / Lost Child and I claim ownership of that. Clearly I was the only one who could see all this time through the hypocrisy but way back then I was powerless to do anything.

I have entertained leaving home, settling in a far away city, and changing my identity, but it is unlikely I would have succeeded. Asperger's syndrome and its co-morbid complex partial seizures were not on the medical radar at the time and I could never hold a job because of it, thus adding further to the complexity and my failure to meet expectations that are only found in Superman comics. Only about 12 years ago was I finally diagnosed for it and revealed.

The Arts were my first love but I let myself be swayed by Mom's super-vigorous opposition. My work history has been a checkered one with an endless litany of layoffs and firings despite all honest attempts to be a model -albeit imperfect employee. Just being "different" is still such a heinous social crime. That's why I went into business for myself as a full time professional artist even if it is not profitable. You can't put a price on the spiritual fulfillment even if it means eating in the soup kitchen a lot of the time. Meanwhile all 3 of my siblings bounded their ways to success achieving the American Dream without any struggle whatsoever, and all are earning more than $500K a year. The Arts are now my last card, I just played it, and the edict shall stand until they find me horizontal with a paint brush in my hand.

Some inroads have been made but there is still a very, very long way to go. My said process shall continue for as long as I am still standing and breathing. In case you haven't seen it, I have another thread here titled "Always and Forever the Big 2-Legged Dog". Its outcome actually has been surprisingly positive.

I am also proud to say that I did make up with Dad and come to a level of peace and understanding with him in ways my siblings can only dream of. He passed away a couple of years ago. R.I.P. Dad.

As I write this, even Mom seems to be learning things about me that she never knew (truth be revealed!) after all these decades, but we've only just begun. OTOH she will always be rigidly stuck in her fanatical Catholic conformity. At least she now respects my refusal to ever be caught dead setting foot in a church for reasons other than weddings and funerals, the filthy stinking places that they are.

Mom is on in years and in failing health. I know I will be the one expected to take care of her, and I know I will have to say no, however difficult the decision will be. I know it will result in enormous acrimony against me even if my siblings enjoy a financial stability I can only dream of. I cannot and will not argue my reasons. Mom is too fast, witty, and sharp with words and my GC sister is exactly the same. Both ought to have become partners in a law firm of their own, given their intelligence and craftiness with the spoken word.

On another note, as a creative writer I am (like that AC/DC song) TNT dynamite, and nobody can take that away from me. As I write this I am also writing up my plan how I will deal with all the BS during Mom's final years. If my family can't come to a any fairness to it all, then let them all eat cake. At least my written reasoning will be available to any who care to have a look.

That was then, this is now. If anything positive has ever come out for me in such a freak show, it has bred in me a strong will and a tenacity to shame a British bull dog.

...And tomorrow is another day.

Escaped Goat

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So you're a married adult with children who lives at home with your mom still?

You sort of dodged my question about kicking these people out of your life.

 

[Escape Goat]

Solara,

No, I'm not a married adult still living at home. In case I got you mixed up...

I did do all the grown-up things in leaving the home at 22 and moving to another city to make a life for myself even if what jobs I could get were never more than low-paying dead-ends. My original plan was to secretly slide out of town unnoticed and without any goodbyes.

I did shut Dad out of my life for his hateful and intolerant antics and violent physical abuses, making good on my words some years prior: "Hang in there Dad, I'll be out of your life sooner than you think". All of my siblings followed suit as none of us liked him at all. Mom had even told him many times over the years: "Your children are not going to love you when you get older".

A miracle did happen when Dad came to the stark realization in the outcome of what he had done and he had no choice other than to change his ways or live a lonely and loveless old age. It was one of my most joy-filled moments ever: one parent had woken up and smelled the coffee. We made up, I forgave, and my siblings all followed me back into his life one by one. Even the the dynamics between Dad and his children changed. At that pivotal and decisive time, I became his now adult Golden Child! It was quite an honor.

For the longest time I gave Mom the benefit of the doubt that maybe she too would wake up but by now I've stopped trying. Victories and inroads have been partially successful so far but at least she has learned to have better respect for my boundaries.