The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[ninja]

You will and you are growing. Kindness and gratitude to you. :inlove::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

My flatness continues. And pain in my nether regions. I have no desire to see anyone other than my partner. No desire to do anything. No desire to go out. Not even a desire to do anything for anyone else. Just flat.

I did speak to my oldest son on the phone though. He rang me from Melbourne. He just found out that he has ulcerative colitis. He rings me when things are tough. I help. I guide. I teach him to love and care for himself, like I am learning to do for myself. I send him some financial support. It feels good. I still live for my kids. I realized, it's still "if my kids are ok, I'm ok". I love to give them a better deal than I got. It gives my life meaning and purpose. The only difference is now, I get to take care of me too. I told him, matter of factly, how I am struggling, symptomatic and that I am heading into hospital, probably in February. He loves me. I know it. I didn't know if for a few years. But we are back. Things are good with most of my children now. I worry though. The pain I went through over them was very bad and I'm emotionally very exhausted now.

Giving to those who don't see me or care about me isn't something I can do at the moment. I need real connection. I need to feel the love. I seem to have lost some capacity to feel again. Too much pain and long term chronic stress. It does crappy things to our ability to feel. Love thaws that out.Proper care tends to those deep wounds and psyche damage. I need intensive emotional surgery. Just waiting til I get to hospital. Just barely functioning and treading water til that happens. Low emotion means low motivation. I'm not acutely ill and wounded anymore but I am chronically and deeply damaged.

I want to stop being a prisoner of my own brain. Restore my ability to feel truly alive and motivated. Have drive. Energy. Feelings that feel "all's right with my world." I want that.
I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it! I want it.

I do feel gentleness, resignation, a certain tranquility that comes with this profound level of emotional exhaustion. It's like knowing you are going to die and your spent, there's no more fight in you.

I have a little bit of steely determination left, that I kept, reserved, just for me and it's like a tiny flame, the last little bit of fire that can be built up into a raging, warming fire for warmth, cooking, light and comfort. It's still in me. Care and attention to feeding the fire is a delicate operation, because it's very cold, lots of the fuel is wet and the right combination of oxygen, burning material and build is needed so the wet wood can dry out without losing the fire. There is only one small coal and a tiny flame so it's a process needing precision, expertise, patience and care.

Another neighbor is yelling at her children. It's (suspected) ice dealer's missus. Lots of domestics heard from that house. I just feel flat, sad, resigned and hopeless when I hear them. The children are very small. My neighborhood sucks. I have either lived being abused, been homeless or now, since I escaped, after women's refuge and homelessness, live surrounded by abusive assholes, drug addicts and alcoholics and suffering children. Not very uplifting. I long for quiet, forest sounds and just us. No yelling- angrily neighbors. No screaming women and children.
I feel horrible hearing such aggression and hopelessness and frustration.

I've just been hiding. My step son is here, leaving now, I think, going down to hang out with one of my son's, who is his bestie. I just had no energy to relate to him. I feel bad. I've done a lot of looking after him in the past, but I'm all used up at the moment. Sad. PTSD sucks. Can't wait for treatment. But I have to.

Oh O, here comes my youngest son and friends. I'll have to dredge something up from somewhere.

 

[mumstheword]

I actually enjoyed having the boys. 3 12 year old boys. Hungry, thirsty, noisy, talkative boys. My boy is staying at Dads at the moment. Dad has room for other kids to sleep over, we don't.
I fed them because I can't be sure that they would have eaten otherwise, and we talked, a lot.
Made some cheesey penne pasta and they were happy with that.

My Kids Dad seems to think that it's a competition that he must win, he wants to make good on his promise/threat to "keep the kids". Problem is, he has no empathy, only manipulative ability so he has his work cut out for him. I don't play the power game, I just try to provide the children with what they need from me, as much as I'm able.

I did keep our youngest from him for a year once. I don't regret it either. I gave him a solid foundation of care, boundaries and security like I never could otherwise. Notwithstanding my own nutsness of course. But my kid tells me that if it wasn't for me "he'd be a sociopath or in an asylum", his words.I figure their Dad leaves them to their own devices mostly. It's scary and nerve wracking though. At least I am close by, walking distance. They (my children) are the only reason I live in this town.
I haven't contacted my 19 year old son for days, after I told him we would catch up. My avoidance and feeling bad - head, vagina, energy levels have been extreme lately. I feel bad about not contacting him and having our lunch date. But he does have his bestie around at them moment. Still, I've dropped the bundle a bit with my parenting, even more. This thing (PTSD) makes parenting extra hard.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

My Kids Dad seems to think that it's a competition that he must win, he wants to make good on his promise/threat to "keep the kids". Problem is, he has no empathy, only manipulative ability so he has his work cut out for him. I don't play the power game, I just try to provide the children with what they need from me, as much as I'm able.

Good for you, i think that you win by not playing the game.

This thing (PTSD) makes parenting extra hard.

You have said a mouthful! It really does. It has in my life as well. I am so glad that things are being revealed to you through your sons now. This must make you feel happy.:hug::hug::hug:

 

[ninja]

Hungry, thirsty, noisy, talkative boys. :hug: It is wonderful to feel the love you have for them. Thank you for sharing that here. I am sure they know it. Sometimes I think it is at a level difficult to consciously access but always there. And I can imagine years from now, once their independence is a little less wobbly, the warm twinkle in their eyes. Take really good care.

 

[mumstheword]

Thank you lovely ladies @Rain & @NinjaWolf .

I am not enjoying feeling at the moment. I find myself fantasizing about "good drugs". How I wish I had some!
It's been very tough, very gruelling doing this without. I do think I need some help in that way but I'm not prepared to use pharmys or deal with the stress of doing something illegal at the moment. When I was far more ill than I am now I was too desperate to care and it was slow death by starvation or quick death by suicide or numbing or altering my brain chemistry with substances. Life was too unbearable.
Now, life is very hard but I can kind of bear it. It's not great, by any means. In fact in some ways quality of life has decreased. No doubt I do actually need some kind of medicating to regain quality of life but I'm stubborn. No bad drugs. No harmful pharmaceutical medications. No fattening toxifying substances. No "you might want to kill yourself" antidepressants. If I could I would be on high CBD edibles because I already know that works for me. But it's not legal for me to do that and I don't need the stress of criminality. I miss being more functional though. I miss quality of life. I miss enjoyment. I miss the effectiveness of medicine that works for me.

 

[DandylionWishes]

I’m very anti pharma too - Are you sure CBDs are illegal there? We live in Colorado where my significant other is a hemp farmer who extracts CBD only (less than 0.3% THC - lab tested for legal reasons) from our harvest and we ship our oils (sublingual) everywhere, including where cannabis is illegal and overseas.
CBDs are typically viewed very differently than cannabis as a whole (which includes THC - the psychedelic component of the plant). Cannabis is illegal on a federal level here in the USA (even CBDs) but legal on a state level in Colorado and our FBI has better things to do than focus on a couple of people smoking a joint or mailing a harmless substance.
CBDs took around 3 weeks for me to start really feeling its effects, but after 6 weeks of use I was able to drop off of (or taper off) seven - SEVEN big pharma drugs that were destroying my liver in exchange for a plant scientifically proven to have caused ZERO deaths from its use...ever. Anything contrary would show other substances were at play, not cannabis - even with THC.
The “entourage” effect of using the plant as a whole (rather than extracting elements like just CBD) is recommended for the best results, but it also carries a big risk of jail time in places where it is still prohibited. No thanks!
I’m too tired to go digging through this thread to see where your from, but if you’ll kindly remind me I’d be glad to look up the shipping requirements for you. It’s pretty easy for me since it’s our business. If I find I’m able to mail a bottle or two to you for you to try, would you be interested? It’s not cheap, $50 per bottle, but if I can get it to you I’ll send it no cost so you can try it out and see how it works for you. If taken properly, as medicine should be, I’m all about anything that can help us 86 pharma and help others.
~ Namaste

 

[ninja]

It is a difficult journey, to feel the highs and lows so intensely. It can be done without pharma, it's just rough I think.
Happy new year @mumstheword :hug::hug:

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I still live for my kids. I realized it's still "if my kids are ok, I'm ok".

I KNOW that we aren't supposed to feel this way. We "should" be able to be stable and happy even if our children aren't...but I don't know...as a mother...if I could EVER be totally ok if one of my children is not! Thankfully, they ARE doing well. (One "natural" living son, my little girl in heaven for 23 years now, and my heart adopted daughter") have ALWAYS been my reason for living when I needed more of a reason than just being alive gave me. I think that once we are mothers, it's an instinct to always need our kids to be ok and that there isn't anything wrong with feeling that way. Loving our children, and being LOVED by them, is a GIANT gift to me, and I think you!:hug:

I know that time is going WAY too slowly for you, as you wait for your hospital admission. I am hoping and praying that you will find MORE healing that you can even imagine. You have SO MUCH beauty in you, that is waiting to bloom into the future!:):tup:

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Do your best to take care of yourself, because you REALLY DESERVE the BEST OF THE BEST!!!:hug::hug::hug:

 

[mumstheword]

So I broke and took some medicine that may or may not be entirely legal. It did give me relief, so not sorry I took it because my new years eve was made enjoyable instead of just endurable. Just Somatic pain relief and endocrine support and that lifted me out of this barely functional state. I don't want to start relying on it though, been there, done that. There's a reason I gave up years ago although I'm suffering now with no other safe way of getting somatic pain relief, it seems. It didn't cure anything but I did get better quality of life, More functionality which is what I'm craving.

I was able to have sex again! Which is awesome because sex is an important and very bonding thing in our relationship. I was getting worried that the somatic pain I've been feeling was here to stay and I'd never want to have sex again. I'm organizing to buy some CBD oil. I don't think I'll get in trouble for that because it's purely medicinal. I've really tried my best to do without and quality of life has just gotten so depreciated.

Dear, Dear @AngelkeeperJ/AKJ . So so grateful to you! Thank you! It's good to hear from someone who truly understands!
I hope the same things for you! Blessings and prayers!
I'm too weary to write more at the moment. But lots of Love to you!!!

 

[mumstheword]

I believe I was traumatized before I was born. My father was traumatized as a baby and so was my mother. My mother's mother was, no doubt, traumatized as a child too. And my other grandmother and both grandfather's, I don't doubt. World war 1 and 2 in England shattered lots of English people and all my family come from England. That is what I believe.

My mother was born in London to her 18 year old mother in 1948. Her young husband was a Navy man. She never wanted a child. I'm not sure of the disordered personality diagnosis that she would, no doubt be diagnosed with, but it would probably be npd or bpd. My mother grew up with no love from her mother, she has let me know,.many times. She was left out in the garden to cry in her pram as a baby and physically and emotionally abused and became very emotional damaged, but she did get some care from her grandmother.

They came to Australia when my mum was 12. Mum was isolated a lot as a child. She repeated this pattern with me. She spent some lonely years out in the bush as a teenager before training and becoming a nurse from the age of 16 .

 

[mumstheword]

Crickets, CIcardas, The tick tock of the clock, my man breathing beside me. Well it's 12.30 and the house is quiet and dark. I'm turning 45 in a few short hours. How do I feel? Not too bad at all, really. With the symptoms subsiding, due to some good medicine, I'm getting back.in touch with myself. I feel hope rising. A little lift.

Tomorrow we are going to Brunswick Heads. There's beaches, a river with awesome park alongside it and a really good pub with beer gardens to have tea in.
I've hardly set foot outa here for weeks. Going to the shop for milk and bread was a major accomplishment for me this past week.

I'm feeling a little better though. Quite a lot better, actually. Just a little like some space has entered me. Like the back of me has opened up for a breather. I'm a little more spacious, more buoyant, looser. Even the pain I feel doesn't matter so much. I don't really care about it enough to let it affect me too much
In fact I'm glad for it; I'm going to meet it, address it, hold it, move it and set it free.