The journey begins ... or continues ... articulating the rollercoaster that is my life

[mumstheword]

Update; I hid in the bathroom to cry and he came and found me and said kind, accepting stuff, I don't remember what, but, it was understanding and kind. Still wobbly but feeling a little better.

 

[mumstheword]

Don’t beat yourself up, though. It doesn’t matter what neighbor thinks :)

Thank you dear friend. I don't think she has very good social skills either. She's lived with her mother all her life and she's 28.
One of the people I played music with for over 20 years (on and off) knew the mother really well and they weren't really friends anymore.
I don't think they are socially wired type people either. I'm actually probably more social than both of them, really, but the daughter has been here all her life, and I, only 17 years and I don't think I'm a local yet, not by a long shot. Maybe that's just my issues talking though.
I just need people that "see" me, otherwise, it's like I am endlessly invisible and it sucks. I don't really know how to get people to see me. I used to, I used performance, as in musically and such, but I don't know how to socially ingratiate myself and I often don't want to. It's not safe and I know I'm just going to be used and abused again.
That's what this is like. Demoralizing.
So yeah, I want to not care but; triggers.

I kind of wish people knew I was autistic, I'd feel more "seen".

 

[Freida]

I'm invisible

I see you

I'm not regarded

Well I think you and the advice you offer, are brilliant

I don't know how to deal with my feelings and what to do, socially, how does this social-being thing work? I can't do it!

No no no! You can do it because now you know exactly what the problem is! That means you can get a plan that specifically address the challenges you are having and find ways to get around them. Before it was kind of vapory so it was hard to figure out. Now you have a name.....PTSD/Aspi. That your ts can work with! I'm excited for your hospital stay and eager to see how they tweak your treatment to fit your needs

 

[mumstheword]

I'm grateful @Freida.So grateful.
Also a little drunk.
Took my kid's out to dinner tonight.
All of them except middle son (one with the bpd diagnosis, he's going well though, I hear, he's in Melbourne, had a great time at a festival).
ALL of my kid's and my guy and my youngest daughters bf.
It was great.

Also went down to ex's house to help my oldest daughter move out
She moved in with a girl who's doing fashion design.like her.

Saw my ex, didn't freak out. He puts on a fake friendly act, my guy was there anyway so I felt safe.

Even my oldest who's been really depressed looked like he really enjoyed himself tonight.

Big milestone.

My oldest daughter is warming up to my guy, in a big way.
It's really lovely. I remember when she was angry at me, all the time.
I asked her why and she said "I'm angry that you brought me into this f*cked up world" she was a young or.middle teen then though, now she a mature, nearly 25 year old woman. She's soooooo beautiful!
My guy and I are over the moon at how far our relationship with her has come.
He's seen me utterly beside myself over her. I've always adored her. It's been a lot of years of waiting and being patient to get to here with her. She is lovely to me now. Very loving. Very open.

 

[Swift]

Mums.

You are seen.
You are seen and accepted.
You are seen and accepted and loved.
You are seen and accepted and loved and f*cking cherished - for being exactly who you are. Nothing more, nothing less and above all, nothing different.


Honestly, I wish you were my mum. I've said it before.
I'm sorry if I was a bit clumsy with my words.

I want to see you, and support you, in the best way I know how. I'll literally read up on how to do that better, which I have, I will do my best by you.

Not "you" the vague sense of another individual - you, mums, exactly as you are.
You, my friend from this forum, who's always kind and incisive and supportive and accurate.

You, the mother of seven kids. Who loves each and every one of them so completely, so desperately - for exactly who they are. I want you to love yourself the way you love your kids.

I'm actually kinda jealous of your kids - not that I'm jealous of their situation, but I am absolutely f*cking jealous that they have you as a mother.

Not that that's your only role, or your only goal.. ..

I dig your spirituality - I love the fact it seems to be so natural to you.

I'd love to jam with you because i reckon you'd be an awesome muso.

I see you as an awesome person.

You don't have to do anything or be anything. You are loved.
By me at least, and I'm pretty sure everyone else here.

 

[mumstheword]

Mums.

You are seen.
You are seen and accepted.
You are seen and accepted and loved.
You are seen and accepted and loved and f*cking cherished - for being exactly who you are. Nothing more, nothing less and above all, nothing different.


Honestly, I wish you were my mum. I've said it before.
I'm sorry if I was a bit clumsy with my words.

I want to see you, and support you, in the best way I know how. I'll literally read up on how to do that better, which I have, I will do my best by you.

Not "you" the vague sense of another individual - you, mums, exactly as you are.
You, my friend from this forum, who's always kind and incisive and supportive and accurate.

You, the mother of seven kids. Who loves each and every one of them so completely, so desperately - for exactly who they are. I want you to love yourself the way you love your kids.

I'm actually kinda jealous of your kids - not that I'm jealous of their situation, but I am absolutely f*cking jealous that they have you as a mother.

Not that that's your only role, or your only goal.. ..

I dig your spirituality - I love the fact it seems to be so natural to you.

I'd love to jam with you because i reckon you'd be an awesome muso.

I see you as an awesome person.

You don't have to do anything or be anything. You are loved.
By me at least, and I'm pretty sure everyone else here.

I'm too touched for words, right now, Swift. I get really clumsy with receiving compliments, sometimes, but I hear you, and I deeply appreciate you in my life @Swift.

I wish I could mother you! I feel protective and nurturing towards you. You really do bring out the mothering energy in me, as well as friend energy and fellow fringey muso girl vibes :)

I really miss jammin'

Yeah, I'm pretty versatile, I think, musically. I dunno, I hope I can still do it, it's been a while! As in months since I jammed, the hospital music therapist was the last one. I've done a tad of vocal practise but really, I've been throughly musically lazy lately.

But yeah, jammin' with you is one of my fantasies. It would be funny and weird if we were, totally, musically incompatible, but somehow, I doubt that would be the case.
It's nice to have pleasant dreams and fantasies, sometimes :)

You've really helped me feel sooo much better about myself. I think our past has inflicted deep soul wounds, both of us, have deeply bruised ego's. And I see you too, and you blow me away. You are an incredible person and I'm deeply privileged to know you.

All of us really.

And thank you hugely @littleoc and @Freida, you are all so, so kind and accepting and understanding.
I think that perspective @Freida, of being positive about knowing what has made life so bewildering and beyond me, for so long, it's a good thing.

My sweetheart is Aspie too, we don't have diagnoses, either of us, but it really, really fits and we are grateful for being and seeing the kind of people we are. We are very strong willed and intellectual people who are also super sensitive and empathetic so having each other, is the most gracious and unbelievable blessing.

I feel like all the hardship was worth it, just to get here, and be with someone like that, and all of you dear friends, and we all get each other and admire each other and see each other's incredible strengths and beauty and goodness and it's an incredible blessing.

 

[mumstheword]

Just rereading what I just wrote. I have tears pouring down.my face. Happy tears. Touched tears. Tears of gratitude and feeling Grace.
All of you, have helped me so much. You too SRG, and @Juso, @ladee and @NatBird. I feel like I'm in a circle of love and realness. It's the most beautiful and overflowing feeling. Tears coarsing down my face. Being seen is the ultimate gift anyone could give me! And you have! I couldn't be more grateful or moved. It's been an epic journey to get here. I don't go out and mingle in the world much anymore. I'm much more happy here, with the birds and the quiet and the safety of home and all of you.

I'm feeling really positive and protected and grounded, compared to before.

I don't do very much, so that's a wee bit of a prob, but all the inner work has been vital to building a secure foundation of Being, being Me, like I never did have before.
So I'm excited for the future, for what I might be able to achieve, next year, but also for what I might experience. The inner gold and treasures (yeah I'm talking a bit Metaphysical Alchemy, here) the beautiful feelings of inclusion and care, "spiritual"(for want of a better term) transcendent Love, the claiming of SELF, yes big Self; accepted and honoured in all it's shades of light and darkness, conscious and unconscious, Spirit and Soul, seeker and finder, mystery and puzzle peices peaced together, struggle and pain, love and frustration, action and limitation, fear and comfort; distinct and separate and yet always interconnected.

This year, I put aside wordly concerns and ambitions. I was privileged enough to do so. Thank you to my country's supportive infrastructure that enabled me to do so! To be able to focus, wholeheartedly, on getting well, in my being, my psyche, my mind, my soul.

Next year, I am going to focus on physical wellbeing, because it's the other integral part, isn't it?
My auti brain needs one main thing to focus on, and then I make progress and I achieve goals. Too many things just disperse me and I get overloaded, overwhelmed and I collapse into myself, or I explode in tears and (not too often anymore) tantrums

I'm so glad to.be getting a handle on this living thing! Finally. For now, anyway.

 

[ladee]

You have come from a dark place Mums, since you first got here. It has been a blessing to watch you grow, accept, being able to get your kids back into your life.

But finding YOU made all that possible. You have hurt and cried and couldn't breathe for the pain... But here you are, grateful for the journey. Glad you are part of my life also... keep on keepin' on... lots of beauty and surprises await you.. :hug:'s

 

[Juso]

Mums, I can only agree with everyone, you are seen and loved and f*cking cherished. Swift found the right words, the words that I cannot find right now. I just spent like 10 hours writing a book review and I am empty now, but I feel so much love and appreciation and tenderness for you. I wanna hug you and comfort you and I would absolutely LOVE to join your and @Swift s jam session. I can bring a violin, a guitar, a ukulele, my voice and a keyboard?This would be so much fun.
Sorry, I just stared at the screen for a minute and blacked out, I don't have words anymore. I'm just gonna send you A LOT of light and love and positive energy.
?

 

[mumstheword]

Mums, I can only agree with everyone, you are seen and loved and f*cking cherished. Swift found the right words, the words that I cannot find right now. I just spent like 10 hours writing a book review and I am empty now, but I feel so much love and appreciation and tenderness for you. I wanna hug you and comfort you and I would absolutely LOVE to join your and @Swift s jam session. I can bring a violin, a guitar, a ukulele, my voice and a keyboard?This would be so much fun.
Sorry, I just stared at the screen for a minute and blacked out, I don't have words anymore. I'm just gonna send you A LOT of light and love and positive energy.
?

Thank you, dear sweetheart darling one @Juso. My gratitude tears are leaking out my eyes again!
My brain is so tired today too. Last night was a big night. It was the first time that 6 out of my 7 children came out to dinner with myself and my sweetheart.
I can hardly believe we finally got there!
It was really, really good for us.

I took them to the same vegan restaurant that I took my Dad and 5 out of the seven and two partner's.
It has very special sentimental value to me, that restaurant.

The restaurant owner asked after my Dad. He is Lithuanian and my Dad is a linguist. My Dad speaks quite a few languages. He is also a historian. He studies archaeology and root languages to trace the origins of Indo Europeans and their migratory routes out of the Caucus mountains and the Steppes. I guess our Lithuanian restauranteer likes my Dad and vice versa. It's quite precious because my Dad is so Aspie and socially challenged. He's a sweetheart but struggles so, to be social.

We are not the maths-inclined Aspies, more humanities, my Dad and I (nor my guy), for me clinical sciences a bit and health science(s)/arts. My guy is very hard sciences, but more biology, chemistry, electrical engineering, horticulture.

Together, my guy and I study psychology (that's a broad term, but still apt) , with a leaning towards biological psychology, culture via media and critical analysis of such, environmental sciences (we both had a learning towards these prior to knowing each other), he's teaching me some horticulture, particularly orchids and tree species. I consider myself a permaculturist, at heart, and that's my dream, to set up a permaculture homestead and maybe (if we can) a fungus farm.
So we are broad interest Aspies that are very keen on environmentalism and also people sciences.
Neither went far in the scholastic system though. However my Dad is doing a PhD currently.
I am back to do music and writing in my arts degree, next year. I have completed all my core units for the degree, and did pretty well on those

Oh and Juso? Welcome to the music party! Maybe one day we will employ technology so we actually can make music together!?

 

[mumstheword]

Sad ... My guy went to Brisbane today, something he could have.done tomorrow for his son, but chose to spend our last day together for three weeks driving hours and hours away, which he has to do tomorrow again. To take me to hospital. All day away from me and he's been working well into the night nearly everyday lately. Oh well. Them's the downside to being in love. Sometimes, too much time apart is soooooo hard and painful.
I don't begrudge him time with his kid, just sad because it was our last day together for three weeks. I was really hoping we'd get to spend it together. Oh well. First world problems.

 

[mumstheword]

I'm in hospital again. Feeling anxious. People I met before, that I didn't feel comfortable at all, are here. Social anxiety, big time. Oh well, that s what I'm here to work on. Perfect opportunity, I guess.