The Thoughts Are Getting Stronger

[Smile]

Google says to tell someone. I will tell my T on Monday but u guys are the first... Lucky u

Oh, I've been having suicidal thoughts for quite a while now, approximately the past 2 years. I mean I've had them in the past but just fleeting.

Now, I think about it more and more. And less & less about the pain I will cause pple who care about me. I focus more on the pple I'm angry at and that this will SHOW them.

But on the other hand, I really don't want ANYONE to bear the responsibility of my death in their shoulders. In fact, recently I started writing goodbye letters and in all of them I'm assuring them it's not their fault.

I still don't have a concrete plan but I keep drifting back to the idea of drowning in the ocean. I love the beach. So I've started timing myself on holding my breath. Not so that I'll survive, just to give me an idea of what it will feel like.

That's all.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I would like to encourage you to find a support number that you can call as soon as possible, once thoughts get to the level your experience them they can very rapidly progress. I know this because I have been there a few times. I am glad you are reaching out. Are you in the states or elsewhere?

 

[Smile]

I would like to encourage you to find a support number that you can call as soon as possible, o...

I'm in the states but I'm not calling a hotline. I know exactly what they're going to say and I don't want to hear it

 

[scout86]

It's good that you're going to discuss this with your T. That kind of thinking is disturbing and it really doesn't sound like you want to act on it.

I focus more on the pple I'm angry at and that this will SHOW them.

How much have you thought that through? I mean, "what" would you be "showing them" exactly? What do you want to show them?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

That's all.

That's all?! That's A LOT! I wish I could say something that would instantly make you feel better, but I know it's a hard place to be in. I am glad you are planning on talking to your therapist. That is a definite positive. My therapist always tells me that if I commit suicide the "bad guys" win. I don't always believe that because a lot of the time it feels like they have, but sometimes it helps me to realize that it won't be showing the "bad guys" anything because (as far as I know) they aren't in my life any more and probably wouldn't even associate my death with anything they did because why would they start worrying about their effects on my life now. Can you try instead of writing good-bye letters to write gratitude lists or things you like in life lists? Or even a thank you note to someone? Might help lift the mood. Also, a crisis line or peer support line would be a good place to find advice and have someone to talk to. Is there any way you can talk/e-mail your therapist before Monday?

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I know exactly what they're going to say and I don't want to hear it

I get that way, too with some of the people you get one them. Still every now and then you get someone who actually says something helpful.

 

[Friday]

Drowning burns like someone poured fire into your lungs. It really, really f*cking hurts.

And then there's the fact that you can't scream, but your body still tries to, because... fire. in. your. lungs. And then your bones catch on fire, and you start puking stomach acid into the water, and snot fills your head so you have the worst blinding headache of all time, but your body? While you burn from the inside out its like 3 people are holding you, trapping you, and it's exhausting, impossible strength you're fighting against, weaker and weaker and weaker.

Yup. Drowning is a "peaceful" death... To onlookers. Because you can't scream and can't move your body. To actually drown? Is only one short step from being burned alive.

Reality check.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Smile, the time to call for help is now, whether you want to or not.

A lifeguard friend of mine has PTSD in part from a drowning. It's traumatizing for rescuers when someone makes an attempt. Also, when holding your breath, you put yourself at risk but also anyone who might try to rescue you if you overestimate your abilities.

That kind of risk-taking needs to be talked about with someone in real life. Please don't wait.

 

[trying2movefwd]

I'm in the states but I'm not calling a hotline. I know exactly what they're going to say and I don't wan...

I thought that the last time I called and was surprised about what they said to me. . . It wasn't what I "thought ". Actually I did an online chat.

 

[EveHarrington]

Show "them"-----?

IMHO you'll end up "showing" nobody. (Hear me out---)

These people don't care about you----they won't feel pain, remorse, guilt if you die. Maybe-----maybe you'll get a <shrug> "oh that's too bad" IF you're lucky.

I am REALLY concerned about just how focused you are on those who have done you wrong. Put that energy into yourself, your healing------and you'll move mountains. (I just know it.)

:hug:

PS Many hotlines suck, but some are good. I hope you can find a good one.

PPS I kinda/sorta/maybe hope that what I say makes you mad! So mad that you say "those losers who did me wrong don't get to win!------I am going to live for ME!" Kinda like-----anger can be a great motivator.


But-----really-----you're reaching out here. Awesome step to take. Keep taking those steps in a positive direction.



Of course if I misinterpreted your show them comment, I apologize. I realize I may have as I re-read.

 

[mamachick]

You know I feel like I shouldnt say this, but I agree that many hotline people-words just suck. I dont know why, I have no better words and I have felt this way. It makes me so mad that humans can become so injured we feel there is only one way out, when what we likely actually need is knowing that someone actually cares and would be there to talk us thru such a time. Hotline ppl seem rehearsed and insincere at times. I know they care. I am sorry I have no better words, but keep talking to us here please.

 

[Smile]

I thought that the last time I called and was surprised about what they said to me. . . It wasn'...

If I can find online chat, I'll do that. Thanks