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- #13
desiderata310
VIP Member
ummm.... wow. Ok. ASS HOLES.
*sigh*
*sigh*
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The Trigger Makes No Sense
- Post starter desiderata310
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- #14
desiderata310
VIP Member
To add to my never ending triggered moments (and this has been a rough week trigger wise)....
This morning, once again, the folks at PP were out there. I decided to hang out down the street. Even though it still felt really exposed it was better than sitting that close to the action.
My appointment was at 7:30 at 7:35 my therapist had not shown up. I texted him to ask if we had cancelled today while I was out of my mind triggered on Tuesday. When he texted me back, his response was that he had thought we had moved to the once a week format. Moments later he drove past and went in the office to meet with me. To make matters worse, one of the PP guys was hanging out around the corner in front of my therapist's office making a phone call. I had to wait till he moved before I could go over. I was so goddamned triggered when I got inside, all I could do was sit there and cry and say I'm sorry over and over and over again. We ended the session about 10 minutes in and he said he would text me to set up a time to meet with him tomorrow morning.
My therapist said he should have checked in with me and said he wasn't mad at me but I just don't believe that! I CAN'T! I've been trying but I made him come in for no reason, and now he's trying to set up a meeting for tomorrow morning and I just... I can't. I can't go to therapy anymore. Not tomorrow, not next week. I just want to quit. And yes, I 'm bawling my eyes out. I really don't ever want to go back. Never. Never. Never.
This morning, once again, the folks at PP were out there. I decided to hang out down the street. Even though it still felt really exposed it was better than sitting that close to the action.
My appointment was at 7:30 at 7:35 my therapist had not shown up. I texted him to ask if we had cancelled today while I was out of my mind triggered on Tuesday. When he texted me back, his response was that he had thought we had moved to the once a week format. Moments later he drove past and went in the office to meet with me. To make matters worse, one of the PP guys was hanging out around the corner in front of my therapist's office making a phone call. I had to wait till he moved before I could go over. I was so goddamned triggered when I got inside, all I could do was sit there and cry and say I'm sorry over and over and over again. We ended the session about 10 minutes in and he said he would text me to set up a time to meet with him tomorrow morning.
My therapist said he should have checked in with me and said he wasn't mad at me but I just don't believe that! I CAN'T! I've been trying but I made him come in for no reason, and now he's trying to set up a meeting for tomorrow morning and I just... I can't. I can't go to therapy anymore. Not tomorrow, not next week. I just want to quit. And yes, I 'm bawling my eyes out. I really don't ever want to go back. Never. Never. Never.
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Mistakes and miscommunications happen and it is NOT your fault.
I've had similar, seemingly meaningless triggers. For me it seems to be about the chaos and unpredictability of crowds. Could be worse if there is an emotional tone or they all seem organized (like they'll gang up on me?) Often it's totally fine. If I'm a little on edge, even one stranger freaks me out if it looks like we'll cross paths too closely. I left my therapist's once and had to wait in the doorway for a guy on the sidewalk to pass. Probably totally nice guy. But I didn't have the energy for humans.
To me, this scene sounds really potentially chaos-like and unpredictable, so not sure if it could be triggering you that way. I think some of my triggers are like this...not specific but generalized, especially in areas of human crowding, agoraphobia symptoms, or wide open spaces that don't allow for protection (rest or hiding, as if I really need that when I'm just driving 50 miles on the highway :sour:). I hope things get better and you can return to safety in therapy.
To me, this scene sounds really potentially chaos-like and unpredictable, so not sure if it could be triggering you that way. I think some of my triggers are like this...not specific but generalized, especially in areas of human crowding, agoraphobia symptoms, or wide open spaces that don't allow for protection (rest or hiding, as if I really need that when I'm just driving 50 miles on the highway :sour:). I hope things get better and you can return to safety in therapy.
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- #17
desiderata310
VIP Member
So I'm 12 hours out from what happened this morning. Still crying, heart's still racing, feeling really useless and scared. yep, I'd say I'm still triggered. I really don't want to see my therapist again and he's not texted anyway to set a time for the morning.
It's only 7 and I'm thinking of just hiding in my bed for the rest of the evening.
I'm so f*cking tired.
It's only 7 and I'm thinking of just hiding in my bed for the rest of the evening.
I'm so f*cking tired.
ButterflyBean
Not Active
@desiderata310 - I can empathize with you so much! I don't want to be in therapy right now, but I need the support! Did you see him again? This is hard stuff, hugs if you accept!
- Post starter
- #19
desiderata310
VIP Member
Yes.
He wound up texting me around 9 that evening suggesting 7:30am the next morning. It was a tough session. He picked up that I am suicidal.
Trying to hang on till tomorrow and at the same time really wanting to let go and give up. Very confusing.
Anyway. He suggested different ways of dealing with our PP friends. We're supposed to solidify something this afternoon. He came up with several different ideas from giving me a key to the place (NO! I would have to search the whole place solo and I can't get in to at least two of the rooms!!) to driving and waiting around the corner and meeting at the coffee shop and walking to the office.
I still don't wanna go and yet I know I need to.
I just... ugh...
I made myself go in to work with the promise to myself that I would leave early. I promised I would leave in two hours.
He wound up texting me around 9 that evening suggesting 7:30am the next morning. It was a tough session. He picked up that I am suicidal.
Trying to hang on till tomorrow and at the same time really wanting to let go and give up. Very confusing.
Anyway. He suggested different ways of dealing with our PP friends. We're supposed to solidify something this afternoon. He came up with several different ideas from giving me a key to the place (NO! I would have to search the whole place solo and I can't get in to at least two of the rooms!!) to driving and waiting around the corner and meeting at the coffee shop and walking to the office.
I still don't wanna go and yet I know I need to.
I just... ugh...
I made myself go in to work with the promise to myself that I would leave early. I promised I would leave in two hours.
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