The well of greif

[IamFree]

Inside my heart it seems I have a well of greif. I do not want to jump into it it seems I will just sink and sink and sink to somewere there is no bottom. Were does it begin were does it end.

 

[shimmerz]

Were does it begin were does it end.

In my experience with my healing, for once - it begins and ends with us. We run the ship during our healing. And that is hard shit.

 

[deeplyloved]

Witnessing with you. I feel like I could fall into my own grief and drown there. They say the only way out is through, but I stay on the edge of it because I am afraid.

 

[Guest]

i jumped into the well of grief as I could no longer stand pretending and preferred to try and see what would happen if I did rather than kill myself.
There was of course a whole lot of grief, pain and emotions that made me run around in circles and want to drink myself to oblivion.
I found a good therapist to be my companion on the journey to bring my true self, one who agreed that was a good destination.
It probably took about three years, I hate to say, but it was so worth it. I feel free now. I feel like me. And I don't see the therapist any more.
If you can find the right companion/therapist - one who won't let you slide down the many slippery slides of self pity, blame, shame etc etc etc - I highly recommend it!!
Am glad I'm alive now - but what remains is a wariness of other people. But perhaps that's wise.
I say - be bold. It's your life, your feelings, your truth that you seek, and all of those are valuable. There is value in life, and especially your own!
Jump in! But find a good companion to go on the journey with.

 

[IamFree]

Thanks for your input. Its the latest piece that has come up for me in this jigsaw puzzle called trauma. I am doing a lot of work around emotions. I am beginning to realisie how for most of my life I have actually been using anger and conflict as a way of avoiding my greif. ...I guess if I can create another feeling more intense than greif it can cancel it out.

 

[IamFree]

i jumped into the well of grief as I could no longer stand pretending and preferred to try and see what would happen if...

thanks. yes I used to think greif was isolating and wallowing in misery. i hope to still enjoy life on the journey

 

[Deleted member 34561]

Oh @IamFree I so understand your problem because it's mine too. Last night I had a bit of a crack up and break down because a woman I recently met in real life was really nasty to me.

I had been holding my own grief and sorrow deep inside for decades and like you I used anger and conflict to keep those feelings at bay and to defend against falling into the black hole of mourning for all the trauma and losses I myself have been through.

I was really nasty back to this woman but after getting off the phone something shattered inside me I guess my heart or maybe the furious wall I had built around it to protect me from further hurt and I literally sat here at my kitchen table howling like a lost frightened kid for a good half hour before it started to abate and I started to calm down.

My poor little dog didn't know what to do with me she kept jumping up putting her paws on my lap to lick my tears away and snuggling into me for me to cuddle her bless her. She's such a comfort and safety for me and after this crying jag I did actually feel a bit better. Like something had lifted something had left me.

I doubt this will be the first or only time I will cry my heart out in the coming months and years but I've made a start now I'm clean and sober and sane again.

I learned a big lesson last night though. Grief sorrow sadness misery etc won't kill you or overwhelm you or send you bats hit crazy as long as you express it in some way and find a way to release it. Better out than in as my dear late dad used to tell me. Now I know what he meant by that. It's when we hold it inside and avoid it like the bloody plague that does the damage.

And we can't do it in isolation. I was lucky that I had my little dog with me she's the best therapist I've ever had lol :) and when I calmed down I called my ex and had a good chat with him about it too.

Anyway I hope what I've shared has he you in some small way. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone and I really related to you and empathise with you. God bless I hope you feel better soon xx