Therapist Terminated With Me

[Suzetig]

My (ex) t knows all this. He knows the rage and devastation previous crap therapists have wroght on my life. He knows this through hours and hours of listening to me sob and struggle with it. I have a transcript of a phone call he made to me in April where he says he will keep in contact with me after his early retirement next summer. and how he is determined to make a good ending with me. Etc etc. So I am hoping that one day, I will post on here that he has contacted me and we are meeting and we are working this out. I am hoping his integrity stays with him.

Honestly, if he does find a sense of integrity in this @Kaluki, he won't contact you other than through his workplace, he'll end all contact and give you space to heal and move on.

As much as you don't want he hear this, what he offered you wasn't therapy. He has breached his professional boundaries repeatedly and while that has felt good to the part of you that wanted a special relationship, a father-child relationship, ultimately he has done you great harm in not keeping boundaries. The reason you're struggling so much with this ending is because he behaved badly - well outside of his professional role, in a way that met his needs (whatever those needs might have been) and in doing so, neglected to meet your therapeutic needs as opposed to your wants. I don't doubt he started from a good place but his work with you hasn't been ok.

You continuing to contact him in the hope that he'll respond and be able to give you want you want is keeping you in a place that is holding on to a relationship, an illusion of a relationship really, that can't ever give you what you wish it could. I am sorry you're in this position, and I'm sorry to speak so plainly about my sense of his work with you when I know reading it will hurt you, but you need to find a way to accept that this relationship is over and to begin work with someone who will be able to hold a strong frame for you, keep clear boundaries and help you heal. He isn't remotely that person.

 

[joeylittle]

I always warned him that if he dared to do something as stupid as to to drop me, a client with severe attachment problems and abandonment issues, who has been dropped by her previous therapist and dropped recently an hour before session by her EMDR therapist and sexually assaulted by one therapist ( I got him struck off) - well if he was stupid enough to drop me too - I would go round to his house and demand an explanation.

Kaluki, I'm going to say something very blunt.

You threatened him. You used your past negative experiences as rationale to justify that it was ok for you to threaten him. I'm sorry that you have had bad experiences with therapists, I really am.

But it's no justification for stalking. It's not a justification for thinking that you need to hold this person's feet to the fire because they had a family emergency.

Please, do not forget - this didn't actually come out of the blue. You knew therapy was coming to a close. What happened is that it came along much faster than you were planning for, and not in the way in which you wanted it to happen.

I do not believe that this person - your therapist - owes you anything at all, except perhaps an apology for allowing this state of affairs to develop in the first place.

I sincerely am glad that you took steps to start seeing someone privately while you're waiting for your next official NHS assignment. I hope that person can help you cope with these thoughts you are having. They are not healthy for you, in any way.

but yes, he will be worried that I am going to turn up banging on his door.

If this is true - that's he's worried about you showing up at his door - well, that's just a terrible thing. I sincerely hope he's not.

So he is probably looking over his shoulder a lot right now! LOL.

Not funny. Do you really find this funny?

I think it is the rage and pain of powerlessness that provokes these types of responses. He thinks he can do this and that is that. I insist on proper closure and so I am determined not to be trampled on like that.

You haven't been trampled on. You knew you were in process of wrapping up therapy with this person. I suspect that you'd be reacting this way even if it were six months later and it all had gone the way you wanted to. There would come a point where he would have to say that he couldn't see you any more, and it would not surprise me if you were in the same rage and pain as you are now. Do you think that's possible, that this is the response you would have had no matter what - and it's hard because it's happened all of a sudden, but it's something to be dealt with inside yourself, regardless?

Can you get the focus off him and keep it back on you, where it belongs?

No-one has wronged you - @BuckarooBanzai is very right about that. There's no foul play here.

What does your new (private) therapist say about the whole situation?

 

[Deleted member 33880]

A friendly psychologist who has known me for two years, has emailed my (now ex-) therapist urging him to make good this ending and get in touch with me. fingers crossed. My private counsellor says my ex t has behaved despicably.
I can't go ahead with the funding fight for my residential care as I do not have a NHS psychologist now. He has really let me down.

 

[Suzetig]

Is this person part of your treatment team? Have they got agreement from your Ts employer to contact him about work issues given he isn't able to be at work. I really struggle with the incredibly poor professional boundaries in place by the "friendly psychologist" if not.

Your T isn't able to "make good" on his ending with you - I'm not even sure what making good would look like to you. You were working towards an ending and yes it's ended much sooner than you thought it would, which is awful, but your continuous prodding him for contact is inappropriate and is stopping you move forward.

 

[qwyoey]

Things must be feeling really bad right now. But you need to give him peace. Perhaps the best ending is the one in which you just have to accept things are imperfect.

 

[Hojay]

I think it's a reasonable reaction to be upset when a therapist just terminates the relationship - especially when it was a long-standing one. I think anyone who has ever been in therapy can empathize. Every therapy plan accounts for sessions to slowly wrap up the relationship, and it's a reasonable thing to expect. However, therapists are therapists, not friends, not family. The boundaries are clear, even if they themselves cross them (irresponsible, in my opinion, for this very thread's reason.) This does not negate the fact that he was an incredible source of support for you, but it's now up to you to detach on your own. Maybe use everything you've learned in your 6 years of therapy as strength to move through this.

As a personal anecdote, I had a wonderful therapist for many years. She didn't only change my life, she saved it. She committed suicide. No goodbye, no reason, no nothing. I guess that's the equivalent of terminating without a word. It took me a while, but I was able to understand that her choice had nothing to do with me - that it wasn't disregard or disrespect, it was something I had no control over and I was being somewhat childish to make it all about me. It also took me a while to understand that, even though she may have not mastered her problems in the end, there was a lot of truth in what she taught me. I was able to let go of the anger and resentment and just appreciate the therapeutic relationship for what it was. I know, in time, and if you just take your distance now and regroup, you will be able to land there too. I think it's ill advised to contact him any further. He has crossed boundaries in making false promises to you, you don't need to cross boundaries too.

 

[EmmaOwl]

As a personal anecdote, I had a wonderful therapist for many years. She didn't only change my life, she saved it. She committed Suicide. No goodbye, no reason, no nothing. I guess that's the equivalent of terminating without a word. It took me a while, but I was able to understand that her choice had nothing to do with me ... It also took me a while to understand that, even though she may have not mastered her problems in the end, there was a lot of truth in what she taught me. I was able to let go of the anger and resentment and just appreciate the therapeutic relationship for what it was.

Wow Hojay. I cannot imagine. I am so sorry you went through this - but amazed at how well it seems you have coped with it. All of the things you say make perfect sense and are very well-thought-out, very measured..very impressive.
It should not happen, but it does, and it's amazing to hear your story. Thank you for sharing it. I'm not sure I could write it out, if I was in your position. Just... Wow. I hope you are doing as well as you sound in your message here.
I wish you all forms of goodness.

 

[EmmaOwl]

you can gather support here if nothing else ... I'd attempt to say to myself something like "must keep trying."

I'd like to clarify what I wrote here... When I say "must keep trying" I mean, keep trying to find someone new. (Also, keep trying to let the old one go. Whatever the explanation is, it is a situation without a concrete resolution.) So, make phone calls. Call the guy with the biggest ad in the phone book - or the smallest!, speak to your regular doctor about any contacts - I don't live in Britain so I am not sure how the NHS works, but perhaps there is a number you could call to obtain names of new therapists.

Heck when I was in college, I was told I'd have to leave campus into the surrounding city to find someone who could help me. They were not equipped, I was told. And this was a university with a good med school. That was difficult. Though I did get through, it took some extra effort on my part, but I was determined. I did not know how it would happen, but regaining my health was absolutely my goal. The other stuff, the side effects, I had to move on, sometimes very quickly.

When I was in an extremely uncomfortable in-between situation, I heard a lot of "no." Sometimes plain "no", sometimes "too busy already", or "you're too sick." "Trauma isn't my specialty." Or "we don't take your insurance." "We don't accept people with substance abuse in their history." (This one made the least sense to me, but I heard it from more than one place - despite the fact that was at least a decade later. Some counselors simply did not want to hear it, people who would not listen to me say one sentence in my own defense.) Then more plain old "no".

It was incredibly difficult, and to be honest, sometimes I am amazed that I ended up in a workable circumstance. And hey, if I can do it... You definitely can. You sound strong from your writing here. In fact, you're doing exactly the right thing - gathering support, to hold onto yourself, while you are looking for an alternative counselor who can help you out one-on-one.

Just remember, there are so many connections to be made in the future, there's no reason to dwell on the past. It sounds like there is no help to be had in that direction. The faster you get ahead of that, you will be better able to establish a new person to work with. Good luck! and I'm sure you are in the thoughts of lots of people reading this, whether they respond directly or not.

Meanwhile, keep trying in the sense of keep trying to get yourself better. Post here, write in a journal, go on walks, listen to music! Whatever you can do to calm yourself, while you remember that you've been through worse spots that this.

 

[Hojay]

It should not happen, but it does, and it's amazing to hear your story.

Thank you for your kind response, @Allie D. It took a moment to get there, and I'm sure the OP can get there too. I still think about her once in a while, fondly, mostly, but also with some bafflement - how someone with such responsibility and so many struggling people dependent on them, could send such a message. I still think it is reproachable, but there's also some compassion there, for the desperation in such an act. Or, for that matter, any hurtful and damaging act by essentially kind and good natured people. You cannot look into people's minds and you'll never see the full story, so it's just going to have to stand there for what it was.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

My private counsellor says my ex t has behaved despicably.

How in the world can he or she say such a thing? Does he or she have intimate knowledge of the circumstances surrounding his termination?

What an incredibly irresponsible statement for your counselor to make without unbelievably intimate knowledge of your ex-therapist's circumstances.

You are doing both yourself and your ex-therapist a serious disservice by attempting to force him into communicating with you. This is not a loving act.

 

[Deleted member 33880]

well, six weeks on from the termination phone call and nearly nine weeks of not having had therapy. I am also eight weeks in to taking Zoloft which is finally kicking in, I think.
We are waiting for a reply from a very positive approach/proposal for closure written by the attachment specialist to my ex T. It was well written and very sane and reasonable and so we are just waiting to see what kind of reply we get.
As I get further from the moment of shock, and begin to process better, I see even more clearly what a terrible thing he did and how unprofessional it was. He is working most days of the week now, but not seeing clients, supervising trainee psychologists in their placements. I think his anger phase of his grief, got thrown at me. He blamed me and hit out. Unprofessional but he has a tendency to do knee jerk reactions and also dig his heels in stubbornly.
anyway, will try to keep you all posted.

 

[joeylittle]

We are waiting for a reply from a very positive approach/proposal for closure written by the attachment specialist to my ex T. It was well written and very sane and reasonable and so we are just waiting to see what kind of reply we get.

That sounds very positive. Even if the proposal ends up not being feasible, I'd guess that crafting it was a good process for you, in terms of being able to direct your energy into something tangible.

I think his anger phase of his grief, got thrown at me. He blamed me and hit out.

Take this with a grain of salt - but I don't recall there being any evidence of anger, or indeed, any emotion. There's the knowledge of the upcoming termination, then the interruption with a family emergency, and then the supervisor instructing you that the therapist wouldn't be returning to complete treatment with you.

There's a lot that you don't know, inside of that - unless you've been given more info that we aren't privy to. But assuming that's not the case, I'd say that there is just as high a likelihood that he was not given an option, in terms of stopping sessions. Or, that there wasn't any emotion directed your way at all. I know that's the worst to hear, because it stands a chance of invalidating your time with him; however, I'd encourage you to continue to move towards eliminating all the hypothesis about why things happened the way they did, and simply continuing forward with finding a road to closure.

I'm curious, because I don't know how this would work - was the letter written by the attachment therapist also copied to your ex-T's supervisor? Would that be appropriate, given that they were the person who actually put the boundary in place? It's just a thought.