General Things To Know When Dealing With PTSD (As a Carer)

[JHBarron]

So a request for no contact is exactly that, No Contact.

JHB, while to a normal healthy person, who says they need space, texting would sort of be considered nice if it was just "I'm thinking of you" but it's still an intrusion even though well intentioned. Most people would say that was nice and you were being a good friend.

To a person who has PTSD, who is overloaded and wants isolation, a text is a no-no as it is not giving them space in their eyes. Space usually means NO contact and they can't take any more contact - more so with people who mean something to them.

I see it first hand here... if Anthony is unwell a get a text he cringes and doesn't even get up to see who sent the message, worse if the phone rings. The only thing is he will check if I am at work as we have an understanding however if he is unwell I will do my utmost not to text or call. I will miss his daily 'I love you call' and will feel down but it's better than pushing him right away.

While letting someone know you care is lovely - to a PTSD Sufferer wanting space - showing you care is actually not making any contact (as hard as that may be) as that is what they need and what they are asking for. There is no cryptic message and they want you to call - it's really clear and if you don't get that pretty quickly you could turn some time out into something disastrous....seriously.

Thank you everyone - This was very enlightening! he never said not to communicate but he would go quiet for quite some time. Then he would touch base by calling me after months of no contact. When Anthony is ready to communicate again, does he reach out? How do you know that he is ok with you in his space again?

I just saw my friend yesterday as he is being redeployed for another year. We had a nice conversation about the PTSD symptoms I noticed and he finally shared some of what he had been living through and continues to live through. He told me that he is not human; feels like he is a military robot. He said "I have done inhumane things and only my military friends can understand." I shared that I have done so much research on PTSD and what it must be like from your perspective so I can be here for you. He did appreciate that and reminded me that he considers me a very dear friend. I think I am one of the few civilian friends he has that has taken time to understand war and where he has been. Most of his friends on facebook are related to or are national guard, police officers or military personnel. I have never been close to anyone in any of these occupations so this is a whole new world to me.

When he says he isn't human and that he has a black heart and is good at being detached (VERY Detached), I am concerned if he will ever deal with what he has stuffed. He admitted that when things start to get boring, he gets going with something because he is used to chaos. He is also used to being in charge, currently he is a Lt Col and wants to retire at a higher rank for pension reasons. In 7 years his commitment to the Natl guard is up. My thoughts have been "How will he survive then? Will he get help so he can be in a relationship and/or be willing to feel human again? He may never want to relive the horrors and grieve the loss of his men (64 men in the 2 years of his last deployment)."

I am drawn to staying in touch with him as a friend so he knows he can trust someone outside of the military. Then I realize I need to keep healthy emotional boundaries for myself so that my co-dependency and fantasy that my love might 'save' him / rescue him. And at this point he isn't ready to work on these issues and I don't know when or if he will be willing. It might be too painful to feel human again. That truly saddens me.

With him being deployed again, is it appropriate to ask him how he would like me to support him or to stay in touch with him? Or just wait until he contacts me again? He is leaving in 5 days so he is quite busy now and has not responded to my texts. I have learned not to take it personally. I can't imagine having to seem my loved ones, handle my financial affairs, etc. to put my life on hold for a year.

Thank you so much for caring enough to respond. Great support group here. My friends can not understand any of this. It is a different world. It truly concerns me how many veterans are affected by war. They are misunderstood because they separate themselves from civilians because they have PTSD, etc. and yet we need to live with each other. Some act like they live on Avatar and we are on Earth. We are all here on Earth together. That is what I think I am struggling with the most - How to help them feel safe and feel integrated with 'us civilians' after they leave the Military. I work with other Veterans now in helping them find work and it is not easy. Some of us really do want to help and understand. As Carers, collectively I hope we can make a difference in their transition.

 

[amethist]

Instead of asking how you can support, it may be better to ask him if he wants you to support him, as this is really the question that should be asked.

If he is away for a year, you may find he contacts you less and less, or it could be more and more. But it is unfortunately for you, up to him in the end.

It is a fantasy that your love might save him, as only he can do this himself. Whilst as supporters we do our best to understand how all this effects them, we really cannot know what goes on in there heads at all, as we have not been through the trauma they have. We have not seen or done what they have, we have never experienced what they have, and they hope we never will.

Build your own life, as best you can for you, then if or when he comes back, hopefully he may be able to eventually join you in that life. But please for your own sake, do not sit and wait for him, you may well get your heart broken big time.

I hope it can work as friendship, if nothing else.

Amethist

 

[Nicolette]

Then I realize I need to keep healthy emotional boundaries for myself so that my co-dependency and fantasy that my love might 'save' him / rescue him. And at this point he isn't ready to work on these issues and I don't know when or if he will be willing.

JHB if there is anything you can do to help him at this point is to acknowledge your own words and work on your self confessed co-dependency as it will not aide you in being able to support him as he needs as it infers your kind hearted willingness to 'save' may overwhelm him.

He is leaving in 5 days so he is quite busy now and has not responded to my texts. I have learned not to take it personally.

But you are still texting?!!!!

So a request for no contact is exactly that, No Contact.

Correct!

When Anthony is ready to communicate again, does he reach out? How do you know that he is ok with you in his space again?

When Anthony is unwell he isolates but is now learning to exercise instead which seems to assist him more than sitting on the couch watching movies. Being 'ready' to communicate again means no life altering change other than he participates back in life normally and I can tell just by the way he is - whether he is talkative, is doing things and even is able to just cook dinner. I think you don't realize JHB that being struck with PTSD can lead to times when they can't function normally and something as simple as going shopping to buy food, cook dinner, do some chores can be overwhelming.

With Anthony I know I can count on his love, I know I can count on him to protect me and I know he will never intentionally hurt me but I also realize self preservation is a first for him, if not a must, so I know I can never completely count on him to do something. He seldom lets me down but if he does it is due to him not being well.

 

[JHBarron]

Gotcha Loud and Clear Nicolette! thank you!!! :)

<edited: No need to quote entire post when responding - one quote if you want to reply to something specifically>

<Grammar warning deleted and new member notification applied (no points) due to first time editorial attention required>

 

[NJP]

Thank you for this thread, this has helped me understand PTSD symptoms so much more, I have been hurting for so long and now realise it's not just me that there are others out there in the same situation

 

[Barberian]

The purpose of this thread is to create a list of what can be expected when dealing with PTSD or just things which are common.

Anyone can add to this thread but please do it in list form thanks.

~ Nicolette

1. Logic does not necessarily apply any longer to a given situation.

 

[Tinyflame]

Barberian, what does that mean?

 

[Nicolette]

Logic does not necessarily apply any longer to a given situation.

Barberian, as this was my thread, it was my 'job' to keep it on track. Yes it has developed into something else and yes it doesn't follow the initial intended structure but if it helps Supporters, then it's not worth the fuss as it has achieved its aim - which was to help.

 

[Barberian]

I was not trying to moderate. If you've seen vary many of my posts in threads that have evolved, I usually start of with a reference to the opening post. This time I simply did a quote instead of retyping part of the opening post. In long threads, I read the first few posts in the thread, then I often am not able to sit for a long time and read post after post. I skip to the end and quote the OP so people know what I am posting about, instead of wherever the thread has wondered off to.

Logic does not necessarily apply any longer to a given situation: In the context of what I wrote is that when applying what you understand of human nature may not apply to someone with PTSD as they may not react as expected.

 

[Tinyflame]

I understand, I think, thx.

 

[Barberian]

When I start to read a thread, I may have something I want to post from what I've read in the first few posts. If I sit there and read all the posts, it may be a while before I reach the end, which I am often not able to do, and with my short memory I have forgotten what I wanted to say. So I go to the end of the thread and post as I explained above.

 

[Nicolette]

Oh Barberian. My apologies. I now understand you were adding to the list. Sorry for the misunderstanding.

My first interpretation what that you were inferring that we were not following the logic of the 'list'. :oops: