Sexual Assault Think I Got Some Memories Back Today.

[Abrasky]

I think I have some memories trying to resurface about my brother. When I stopped the abuse by refusing to go into my abuser's room at 9, my abuser started taking my brother places in his car. I kept asking where he was taking him. He would answer something to me like it was a game. What he said was really horrible it effected my self esteem. I can't repeat it, I dont' have the confidence to yet. I feel so responsible. I feel sick. I feel guilty for feeling sick.

My brother has never admitted anything happened to him. He has a good job now, he's happy. We have a good relationship after a lot of work with my PTSD that helped me not isolate myself from people.

I have been lying down all day under a blanket just feeling so scared. I feel like I couldn't say anything, because I didn't have any proof. I felt like he would kill us all if I said anything and I just didn't believe it. At the time, Mum said they were doing boy car stuff. I was 9, and 9 year old's believe their mother.

I guess have to remember these things were said to me to mess with my head. My abuser+ evil. find a way out of this whole thing taken out of Pandoras Box. I'll put the evil thing/ game he said where it belongs, not on my self esteem but my abuser's.

 

[WonderingWhy]

Maze,

You said in the last line of your post, what I would say to you!Link Removed

One thought about your brother. You could just simply ask, if "X" ever mistreated him when they went on those rides. Or ask "what" did they do on the rides. If he says he doesn;t remember or similar, you can say that if he ever rememers to just let you know as you have always wondered.

You could word it so that is more neutral and just a curious question and then leave it up to him. That way you have offered him an easy opportunity to open up now or later if he chooses and any issues you have in regards to that is in his hands and it's one less thing for you to carry around!Link Removed Just a thought.

 

[Blutarg]

I agree with WW. You can only leave an open-ended suggestion. It is not your responsibility to make him do something about it. I have done the same with my brother. He was not abused by my dad but was abused by someone else. He knew of the abuse that happened to me though but won't acknowledge it. It is not for me to make him do anything about it. I have to leave it up to him.
It isn't a comfortable place to be in because we want to sort things out but by doing so, we could actually cause more harm than good. That is just my thinking.

Just a question. If you were 9, How old was your brother?

If you are getting these memories, be gentle with yourself :hug:

 

[Abrasky]

I also don't want to cause more harm than good. I'm not sure I am the one to ask this question due to how I was involved with asking where are you taking him before they went for the drive. I think you have some good ideas wondering why. I am not really sure how I am, I think I'm about 10 or oldish 9. It would make my brother 5 or 6, the age I my abuser started abusing me.

I haven't been dealing very gently with myself this morning, I went into my safe room and was yelling at myself over and over again I want to kill myself, I want to kill myself. Yay to being gentle this morning. Link Removed

I will try to be gentle.I'm starting to feel a bit better.Link Removed

I've started to get a bit more memories back which make it all make sense a bit more. Some things my dad said about what I was feeling at the time are going back to him now. They should, I never earned them.

One less mountain to climb today.

 

[Hlost]

I will try to be gentle.I'm starting to feel a bit better.:D

I've started to get a bit more memories back which make it all make sense a bit more. Some things my dad said about what I was feeling at the time are going back to him now. They should, I never earned them.

One less mountain to climb today.

Very very good on you!! Not easy either from my own experience. I think that catching yourself and coming to this point is well done on your part and is HUGE!!

I just wanted to acknowledge you for this and let you know this is what I've been working on as well.
Sending you peace,
Hlost

 

[cherryblossom]

If it were me, I wouldn't ask my brother about it. Just my opinion, I don't think there are any rights from wrongs.
I would feel much the same as you, and worry that I would cause more harm than good.
If your brother approaches you, then that is different. I would work on your own issues. If he was abused, it was not your fault, or your responsibilty. You were a child. The abusers holds all the guilt, and blame. Not you, not your brother.

 

[Abrasky]

You are right Cherry Blossom. My brother and I aren't to blame.

 

[Blutarg]

Hope you're still being gentle on yourself Link Removed

 

[Abrasky]

I am feeling sad today, but I am feeling a lot more like my feet are comfortably touching the ground today. That uncomfortable feeling flashback I got is gone. Things are looking up a little little bit. thanks for your support Blutarg.