General To Carers From Sufferers -What Can We Do To Help You?

[Tinyflame]

-Beyond working on ourselves and our reactions and behaviours, what can we "sufferers" do to help the "carers"? -I was thinking, lots of times the very things we are worried about (carers AND sufferers) are the same, just not expressed to each other.

-Also, I know as a "sufferer" it helps me to get out of myself and concentrate on other people, and I find when this is possible I feel better about myself too. It also gives some way to express thanks to the "carers" when it is very difficult to say in words.

Thank "you" for standing by "us" as we keep trying. -Please try to be patient - I can only speak for myself as a sufferer- I don't understand so much, either, and it's a REAL process of learning and self-acceptance, too for myself.
:smile:

 

[Lucy Loo]

Talk to us. That is the biggest thing for me - my husband tells me so little of what's going on with him. Maybe he doesn't even know most of the time what is going on with him, but if he could relay just a bit to me, it might help.

 

[txdoll38]

I would have to agree with Lucy Loo. Just talk to us. My boyfriend won't talk about anything. I've had to learn on my own (after being cursed out a few times) not to ask what is going on. The other thing would be to acknowledge our feelings. I know it's not possible all the time, but a simple "I know this is tough for you too" would go a long way for me.

 

[Nonie]

I would love to have a little more communication if possible. I'd like my ex to talk to me a little bit more. Not neccasarily to open up, but kind of point me in the direction of what i can do, to help him. For example, if he needs to be left alone...i'd much prefer it if he could just simply text me and tell me "I need time alone". If he did that, then i would step back. What's confusing to me is that i will send numerous text messages, and get nothing in response. Then if i go a day, or a few days without texting him, i end up getting a text from him telling me "How are you?" or "What's up?". It does get me a little surprised, because i don't know if he wants to be left alone or not, and i don't want to be a pest and just bug him uncontrollably and he's just not saying anything because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings. It's just confusing, so communication would be great! =)

Thanks for asking!

 

[Robyn]

I'll agree with that. Communication is the biggest problem with PTSD. The only time I get an inkling of what's going on is when he blows up. Then I spend the rest of the evening crying and he's angry and stuffed into Warcraft. It makes life more miserable for me...I have no clue how it's affecting him...he's just not there. No emotions whatsoever.

 

[Tinyflame]

Hello everyone - Thank you, very, very much.

I can only speak from my experience, but I am trying to communicate as well (I would say "better", but really you are all exactly correct - I think it frequently becomes "either/or".) I know that oftentimes the only time it seems something from someone with ptsd is said, it is in anger. This is a real shame because I can say for myself it rarely if ever relects the genuine problem- it is more like a huge emotional "blow up" (or "melt down") of frustration, anger, confusion, and such horrible negative emotions, and a terrible feeling like everything has ireevocably been torn apart. But it is that prevailing feeling, and then "words" (any words - usually hurtful ones) that then come out. They express more the feelings associated with the trauma(s) I would say for myself than the real true reality of the moment.

That being said, however, even getting my anger under control, it does help me to have some time apart to try to wade through and make sense of all of the thoughts, but then, yes, it is up to me to initiate some dialogue or apology. Problem for myself is is that usually then you feel so ashamed and guilty and worried, that (you) are SURE the other person can't forgive you, which is more proof that you are as unlovable and "damaged" all along as you are pretty sure you are.

Sorry- this is probably clear as mud! KNOW I am terrible at expressing myself.

 

[Robyn]

You're doing fine Junebug. And it means a lot to know that you, and hopefully other sufferers, understand that there are others affected by the disorder (proper word for PTSD, don't you think?)

I feel that it is a good sign that you are able to recognize that and want to try and help us, or your carer. It's helpful to me, personally, and perhaps others to know that everything may not be as INWARD as PTSD leads us to believe. Am I making any sense?

In short, Junebug...thank you!

 

[Nonie]

Junebug, you're doing great at expressing yourself. I understand what you mean. But i do appreciate you taking the time to come to the carer's section to express yourself and giving a sufferer's perspective on communication. Thank you for that! If there is anything else we carer's can do to help you, or if you have any questions at all, please ask! Your insight is great for me, since i am a carer.

Let me ask you this...i told my ex that we should stop the phone calls for a while, and just communicate through text messages only so we can both have some space, and gather our thoughts and emotions. I did tell him that i feel a little overwhelmed at the moment, but i also told him i still love him and care for him very much. So far it's been about a month without phonecalls, and just text messages. Did i make the right choice doing that? Do you think he wants me to call him, or does he hope i will without him asking me? I guess i just don't know if i made the right choice here, although he did agree to it.

As far as text messages go...there will be days in a row, where i will send him lovely text messages showing i care and i miss him and think of him, etc...and i get no replies. Then if i go a few days without contacting him...he will send ME a message asking me how i'm doing, or what's up? So my question here is...am i supposed to keep texting him everyday even if he doesn't reply? And when i don't contact him for a few days, what's his possible reason for texting me?

I'm just trying to understand his method of contact and reasoning. Insight from you or any sufferer would be great!

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Nonie,

Of course, I can only speak for myself, but I think you have to do what is in your heart. And yes, I feel that you don't have to text everyday IF YOU DON'T WANT TO; the one thing that is good (to not, everday) is that it gives him time to think of his actions/reactions/role in this (at least, that is how I feel) - possibly not take it so for granted, and gives space. I would keep texting in general, though - if you want.

The only real time that I can say for myself I don't think of the "impact" in carers is when I am feeling angry and self-justified (inevitably followed by a terrible "crash".)

I think what is very important for all carers is to take care of themselves- that does a lot of good for sufferers in the short and long run, because it is healthy, makes you stronger, helps "us" (me anyway) to look into myself and address my responsibilty, and also helps relieve the fear that "we" are ruining our carers lives - this is a terrible fear and worry.

I also very much appreciate (and my mind is boggled by) a carer's forgiveness and patience. I think taking it one day at a time helps.

All I know Nonie is that he is very VERY fortunate to have such a sweet person in their life.
:smile:

 

[Tinyflame]

Sorry to post again! I was thinking of this all day but had no time to say it in the morning.
One thing that I am learning (because I don't know if I will ever "get there"), is that so many variables/thoughts/triggers/emotions can come into my head at one time, that it is very insidious, and what "appears/feels" to come out of the blue is more likely a very complex interchange between all these things - not the least of which are cognitive distortions of my own making. In fact, I'm SO used to living like that for so many years that it happens in a split second, much of which I don't understand (so a sufferer can be telling the truth when they say they don't know, or they don't know what they feel, or they feel numb, etc.)

What I really hope you will have the chance to do is keeping reading the different threads through - I've lived with this for 20+ years and everyday I read something on here and I learn. (And speaking for myself all these years of managing symptoms does NOT mean I managed them effectively).

Also, for myself I think sometimes in can be "easier" (familiar) to tell myself how hopeless it is and how I am justified because I will do damage to someone I love - and anyway I'm "damaged goods", but that is also EASIER than facing this thing and working on addressing it (especially when you feel worse before feeling better). Sometimes I think for myself the REAL truth is closer to survivors'guilt and lots of fear.

Please look at the threads; I find that all of the members have great perspectives that will help immensily - a lot more than mine, and Anthony's posts make the most sense to me, as do Nicolette's, from a carer's perspective.

Take a deep breath, and best of learning/finding peace and hope with this.
:)

 

[Nicolette]

I think what is very important for all carers is to take care of themselves

While I totally agree with this experience has taught me that taking care of myself also involves educating my sufferer. By this I mean I pick my times and my battles but I will point out and address 'unfair' behaviour. Being mistreated upsets me and then I don't do as well in looking after myself due to the emotional stress. I therefore have to ensure that part of taking care of myself is setting boundaries.

Education is the key. Learning how to make things better or easier....it takes the efforts of both sides.