Told My T Via Email About My Trauma

[katiekat]

So, my last T allowed and sometimes encouraged emailing between sessions. My new T accepts emails but won't really get into it until our session. Well after my last session I felt a little misunderstood and found an article about trauma similar to mine and emailed it to her. She hasn't heard much about my trauma and was basically in the dark. I was hoping my last T would give her the run-down by now but he hasn't called her back yet after three weeks. I felt I was hitting a wall with the new T so I spilled the beans via email. Now I'm getting anxiety about therapy tomorrow and I'm not sure how to get through it. I feel like going in there with my sweatshirt hood pulled way down over my head-I just want to hide from her. Im not ashamed of my trauma or what happened, I think I'm more ashamed/embarrassed about how it feels to tell her. I don't consider my trauma all that bad compared to what lot of other people have been through-which adds to my humiliation. Anyone else go through something like this and have encouraging words for me?

 

[shell]

I think it shows you are starting to trust her and open up. Well done, trust takes time, and while it feels threatening and that she will judge you, I have never come across a therapist who has judged me. Therapy only works when we trust and are open and honest.

Your trauma is your trauma, you don't need to justify or compare it to others, quite simply it affected you and you need help. Congratulations on taking the first step towards healing, be kind to yourself, and know that many of us have felt this way, but thoughts are not facts, and you have no need to be ashamed, that is the abusers responsibility. Good luck with your next session.:hug:

 

[Intrepid]

Been there. Emails are hard. Spilling the beans is hard. Keep it up, but its okay to be gentle with yourself.

It's okay to be gentle with your therapist too. I've got mine to cry, to get really, really mad (not at me, but my abuser), and to just not know what to do next.
Sometimes I feel guilty for dragging her into my hell, but she can take it. I know she can.

 

[ghotiff]

I regularly have moments where I worry my trauma is not "bad" enough and have been in many threads on similar thoughts...so your definitely not alone with this thought. I think it comes (for me at least) from all the people in my past who minimized my.problems through denial.

 

[katiekat]

Thanks everyone. I totally agree with the minimizing comment @ghotiff. I'm probably still in denial a bit.

As far as trusting my T, I had a moment last session where I could tell she felt like she might not know how to get through to me or that I may have found her ideas lame-but it was more like I didn't know how to do what she suggested because I am so closed off. When she stopped talking to let me absorb or answer her, I just looked at her eyes-which is REALLY hard for me to do, and I was trying to feel her out but I got freaked out for a second and looked away, but then quickly looked back at her and she gave me this look-i can't really describe what it was, maybe acceptance, or just a sense of "it's ok to just sit and feel comfortable looking at each other".

I realized after the session that it was a turning point. I either needed to tell her what's up or forget about therapy altogether. So I went for it. Not the way I imagined it would happen-i honestly hoped she would ask me point blank what my PTSD is from but she hasn't in the two months I've seen her. I'm guessing that she treads lightly until she thinks clients are ready. in any case-she now has some idea of my situation which feels better than going on any longer with her not knowing and wasting both of our time.

Yet-i still dread my session tomorrow! :/

 

[Suzetig]

I know that feeling of dread, I've felt it every time I've told my therapist something new or gone a bit deeper in the process - and I have it this morning too because I need to talk through some incredibly personal stuff and I'm really anxious about it.

In terms of trauma, mine will only initiate discussion about things she knows are ok, eg stuff that I've already spoken about and at the same level I've spoken about it. So if I've mentioned X, she'll maybe mention it in passing so that I know the door is open to go further but she would never initiate that work. Your therapist may want to leave control about disclosure with you because it's important the work you're doing goes at your pace.

You were really brave in sending the email, the next part is turning up to talk about it. Good luck!

 

[katiekat]

I'm going to show up to talk about it-but probably hiding in some way or another! I can imagine myself pulling a blanket up over my eyes when I am sitting in her office. It's going to be tough to avoid doing something like that! Maybe I should bring my own blanket to hide in! I feel so childish for wanting to do that!

 

[Suzetig]

That's not childish, it's a normal reaction. I don't have anything to hide behind but that's only because I'm too anxious to take something with me. If i could, therapy would happen with me hiding behind her sofa Dr Who style.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@katiekat – how did your session go?

 

[katiekat]

Its in a few hours. I will try to remember to update after! Thanks for asking :)

 

[katiekat]

I survived my session! It was extremely hard to start the session and I totally threw her off guard by letting her know why I'm REALLY in therapy. It was a little embarrassing because she was like "This is very different from what you initially told me about what brought you to therapy." But she also said she understands why I don't trust authority figures, so hopefully she realizes that's why I didn't give her an accurate/full history.

Another thing I learned was that the EMDR won't work on me until I can trust her, and that we need to do a lot more"prep" work before it will help to do EMDR. I asked her what we do to prepare and she said we just need more sessions like this one and to talk about my past more.

So, overall it was my most productive session with her but extremely difficult.

 

[Ellabella44]

hoping others go well for you after this one.. dont feel its childish ... after all i bring the stuffed kitty i sleep with to my sessions... some things are scary to face and anything that comforts helps a bit.