Took The Plunge Today

[Echo]

@mytai - I completely agree. You need and deserve action. No-one should have to bear this.

 

[mytai]

@NovemberStar, no they weren't all connected. The flashback was very much about being forced to watch child porn and "practice" it, and about having someone there who could save me but didn't. It was a lot about having help arrive but not to save me. Love is a very triggering word for me, to have someone talk in depth about it is hard for me to sit through and listen - mainly because my abuser used the word with me and now I don't trust it's meaning.

I do have a hard time with my T being so caring, it's a struggle because it's one of the things I really like about seeing her (that she is so caring), but I find it hard to let someone care for me or about me - it's almost uncomfortable for me (like if you wear an itchy wool sweater).

 

[Echo]

@mytai - thinking about you and hoping that the police finally pull it out of the bag for you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so glad you are getting the real help and support you need at this time. It feels so good to have a team of people caring for you. Do not give in or give up. You are so worth fighting for.

This is the time you need to take good care of yourself too.

I remember so many days that I did not want to get out of bed in the mornings.

I am very proud of you.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, bad news police can't do anything. The evidence doesn't line up, his alibis checked out. They think I just had a flashback and think that it's my mental illness that made me think my uncle attacked me.

They were polite about it but it still is hurtful to have someone say that you probably just inflicted the injuries on yourself and don't remember doing it because you dissociate and have PTSD. Initially they thought I was just downright lying because I never saw justice for something that clearly happened when I was younger, except it's not that at all, it has nothing to do with justice and everything to do with needing to feel safe.

I need to feel safe where I live and work, I need to feel like I can stop looking over my shoulder all the time, I need to stop feeling like I have to be hyper vigilant. I told the officers today that I need to be able to walk to my car and see a random beer bottle and not wonder if it is a threat or just a coincidence. I think they understand now that this isn't an issue of lying to see justice served for past incidents, but rather PTSD completely screwing with my ability to see events how they happen.

It came as a huge shock to me, I was fine emotionally, held it together, was ok talking to the officers until shortly after being told that it was impossible for it to have been this family member. After that the fear and panic that I don't actually have control over my PTSD, that it is winning and I'm not doing as well managing it as I thought.

The thought of being that controlled by my symptoms, to the point of not even knowing what the heck actually happened to me is very scary. Not just that but it is completely humiliating to find out how your own mind has betrayed you and you find out in front of people who don't know you, your history, or really understand anything about what your illnesses can potentially do.

I'm mortified that I had a flashback or whatever the heck that was and I went and reported to the police. It makes me look like I'm purposely accusing someone who did nothing (this time around), and if anything ever does happen in the future they won't take me seriously, not to mention I don't think I would ever be confident enough in my own memory to ever go to the police again. How can I trust myself to report when clearly my mind betrayed me? After they realized that I wasn't lying to them to try and convict him, it was like "oh this poor mentally ill girl is too sick to realize what is real and what isn't". I'm just not ok right now.

I called the social worker before I left the police station, they shut off the cameras and let me stay in the room in private to call her. I was sobbing on the phone telling her what happened.

That I don't know what happened, I can't trust my own mind, that I'm scared because clearly I don't remember what happened. I'm scared because I didn't think I was doing THIS bad, bad enough to not know a flashback from reality. I'm scared, I feel unsafe for a whole new set of reasons now - I don't know when I'm dissociating or checking out anymore. I can't trust anything I feel or see anymore. I feel truly crazy now. The social worker is having me call her again tomorrow before I go to work, and then I physically see her on Thursday.

I can say that I feel more desperate to end this craziness than I have before. I'm not worth fighting for. I'm clearly not as self aware as I once thought. I wish my T wasn't on vacation right now. If I'm even around in 2 weeks I'm really not going to be in good shape. I need to be locked up or committed.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I really don't believe this was a flashback. Do you really think that might be so? Someone hit you in the face twice. You were just leaving work. Had you been on your own at home or elsewhere, then it might be a possibility that you had hurt yourself, but in public like that? I think it is far more likely that your uncle got someone to fake an alibi for him. Did the police explain what his alibi was? They have his DNA from the last rape, don't they?

I know you are really upset now, and I totally understand why. This must be desperately disheartening and frightening for you. Please though don't let your uncle play any more mind games with you. Could it be that this is what he has intended? To make you APPEAR crazy to the police.

Please let everyone help you and please let your T know what has happened as soon as possible via e-mail. Maybe she will have access to her e-mails, like most of us do nowadays. She will help you see the wood for the trees here. She knows you and she will know whether what the police are saying about your condition is even possible. I'm only at a distance, but I do think something stinks to high heaven here. I do, of course, apologise if that isn't so. You are probably a long way from being calm enough to listen to your own gut. But I hope you do manage to listen to it, because it will tell you the truth.

What an awful thing for you to have to cope with. You DO deserve peace and safety. You are worth it, absolutely you are. You are not mad, mytai. You are under much more stress than anyone should ever have to deal with ever.

Please keep taking care of yourself and trust in yourself. You are holding down two jobs successfully. You are not mad. You are a very competent woman.

Sending you lots of gentle hugs. I do hope your social work team are taking the greatest care of you.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I don't know what to believe anymore. It happened in the past before I knew what a flashback was, and I did report to the police and it wasn't until many months later when I was talking with a counsellor that I learned it was only a flashback and nothing actually happened to me. So it was listed with the police as a false accusation. That was before I knew what a flashback was though. I know what they are now, and I'm usually aware of when they occur so to not know if this was a flashback really upsets and scares me. The police didn't explain what his alibi was. They do have his DNA, but that is another station dealing with that - they said it could be months before they even got to it because of the backlog.

I don't know if he would try to play mind games with me and make me seem crazy to the police. I don't know him on a personal level enough to know that about him, my only contact with him is through abuse. I could drive myself crazy speculating about why things turned out the way they did. The officer did say that the logistics of how I describe being attacked don't make sense to the extent of my injuries. That they should be worse and different then they were.

My T said she would have her iPad with her, but I don't want to bother her on vacation - it's her break away from dealing with this, besides she can't fix anything or do a whole lot through email. My gut still says it was him, it's not even like being told that it wasn't possible shattered that image other than causing me to doubt my own ability to know reality from not.

I don't feel competent. I feel like I've completely lost it, lost all control over my mind. I don't want to be here anymore, but I don't want to be locked up in a hospital either.

 

[greenleaf]

I would not believe anything this police dept. says that disagrees with what you remember, flashbacks or not, unless they provide photographic evidence that's irrefutable in some way that I don't believe they have.

They have been totally reluctant to admit anything happened or do anything, of course their next step will be to say "you made it up", unintentionally or not. It completely takes the onus off them to have to do *anything*!!! How very convenient, they can go get some donuts now.

@mytai, I had plenty of physical attacks that were intended to cause enough pain and fear to threaten and for the person to get what he wanted at the time, but left no physical mark other than a slight bruise or sometimes nothing visible at all, too.

Re. the logistics of how you were attacked: they should know that during an attack, things happen very quickly and it's difficult to get the details exactly right. Five witnesses to a violent crime will have five different versions. This does not mean that a violent incident didn't happen. That is a ridiculous comment for the person to make since they should, professionally, know that. Alibis can obviously be faked too. These police are intentionally trying to get you to doubt yourself, in my opinion, and are not competent or ethical. Clearly they want lots more donut time and are annoyed at the suggestion that they do their jobs.

 

[Echo]

How about writing to your T with a note or headline to say it is for her on her return? Then she has the choice as to whether she reads it or not now. I just think you need to speak to someone who really knows you and understands trauma. If you are feeling really bad, then please take all the help you need.

Your great uncle is the lowest of the low. He will have all sorts of nasty ways of trying to make sure he keeps hold of his freedom. He will have no compunction about lying to the police after what he's done to you. So please don't let yourself be swayed by what the police think they understand. Please stay with your gut feeling. I understand what you say about speculation, but remember the police are also only speculating about how you got your injuries.

Did the social worker have anything to say that helped? I hope she will help to keep you safe until your T is back or responds if you do write to her.

Take care of yourself. I have to go to bed now but will check to see how you are in the morning here. Don't rush to make any decisions just now. Be gentle with your poor self.

 

[mytai]

@greenleaf, this is a new police department than I dealt with before. I honestly felt like they really tried their best and worked hard to help me. No they haven't provided me with any photographic evidence. There was none that showed the areas I was in. I don't feel like they were being lazy at all, the officer was calling me lots to check on details while he was physically in the areas himself. I don't believe it was from lack of trying to find evidence.

I don't understand the comments from them about the logistics of the attack not matching up with my injuries, I just don't understand that and how they can determine exactly how bad my face should have looked. He's never gone for my face before, I told the officer that when I initially reported, that this was not "normal".

The thing that really messed with me today is when the officers told me that 7 out of the 8 incidents I've reported have been listed as "false accusations", I can account for three of those - two were flashback related, and one a person blatantly lied to the police because she was having an affair with the accused person and by saying he did do it she would have admitted to responsibility for prostituting me out. The other 2 times I was told by the officers that there wasn't enough evidence to go on, then the two separate incidents from the most recent attacks are being listed as false accusations because they don't believe it could have happened based on his alibis.

I can never trust my mind again at this point.

@Echo, I'm pretty sure if I emailed my T even with a subject line to read when she returns that she would still read it on vacation. I know it would be her choice to read it and whether or not to respond, but I don't want her to be thinking about this whole situation while she is supposed to be taking a break. Nothing can be done from where she is. The police believe that it is impossible for the types of injuries I sustained for this to have happened at all. The officer said even if the attacker was 120lbs and not my abusers size then the injuries would have still been more severe.

I don't remember everything the social worker said on the phone. I was crying hard when I was talking to her, trying to explain a coles notes version of what was said. I know she tried to see if I could come in tomorrow afternoon to see her instead of Thursday, but that interferes with work and I need the stability of work right now. So we set a time to call and check in tomorrow before work. We briefly talked about what my plans were for the evening - work, home, pets.

I'm far from ok. I don't see how I'm ever going to be ok again.

 

[greenleaf]

@mytai, I still don't think these police are doing their job. They seriously can't know how injuries should look, because they don't know exactly how hard the blows were! Their comments are ridiculous, and it sounds like they are trying to fit everything into someone's theory that none of it happened. I still have no confidence in those police, I'm sorry, even if they are different ones, they'll have seen the theories that the first group had. I trust your mind, not the convenient theories of police who don't even know their own profession.

You do need to stay safe, though; I'm glad you have plans involving your pets, and contacting your therapist. We all know you will be ok in time and with work, please hang in there!

 

[mytai]

@greenleaf, they've labelled me as someone who makes false accusations. They said they don't deny that something must have happened at least when I was younger, but they think that I just continue to "make up" new incidents to try and see justice for something that happened in the past. They don't get that it isn't about the justice or seeing charges laid, it's about feeling safe, it's about knowing he can't come anywhere near me or there are consequences, it's about not having to look over my shoulder when I walk to my car.

The officer said that if they were hard enough blows to knock me unconscious then there should be more damage to my face. He also doesn't believe that I would have straight lines from being hit. He saw them after they were glued and stitched shut.