Took The Plunge Today

[Echo]

@mytai - when those DNA tests come back, they will have to change their tune. I think it is appalling that they continue to list what has happened to you as false accusations. It does make me wonder about police values. Women who've been attacked so often are not believed, but you must not take that as something personal, however excruciatingly personal it feels right now. Please don't let their scepticism turn into a lack of self belief.

DNA can be tested within 5 days. An attack like yours should be given priority. I know you can't change anything but please realise this is about police and society's values and not you specifically. You deserve so much better than this. All rape victims do. You know you were attacked and your body bears the marks still. No-one brands themselves. I did hope that your T could help you quickly restore your perspective but I do understand you don't want to disturb her. I don't mean she could intervene with the police from on holiday.

It must be so hard to not let this rock your confidence in your own mind. But please, horrible as it is, remember that you have been assaulted and raped in the most awful ways and you are not making this up. You just wouldn't have PTSD if nothing had happened.

I really hope the social worker can help you today.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, I'm doubting myself so much now. What if the DNA results come back that it wasn't him? That it was someone else and I had another flashback? They know they were able to collect DNA but now I have to wait until they test it. They aren't saying it will take months to test it, just that it will take months to get to it because of the backlog. Who can say what should get priority though? What if there are 100 other cases like mine?

The police are suggesting that maybe I did brand myself and just don't remember. So it feels 100% personal right now. I'm being labelled as a crazy mentally ill false reporter. I can never go to the police in the future because now they have me labelled.

I don't doubt that something happened, but after talking to the police I do doubt my ability to remember it how it happened.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I've just been reading about major complaints in the UK about the way in which police deal with women being stalked. Although we have new legislation and a new charter as well as a new helpline specifically to do with stalking, the biggest problem of all, it seems, is that the police do not take the women involved seriously. So many departments are not properly trained to even see the signs, let alone advise women or take proper action. Then there is a lot of hand-wringing when it all goes wrong. There are so many reports of women saying what you are saying.

Someone raped you, mytai, and if it does happen to turn out not to be your uncle's DNA this time, which I doubt, then it will be the DNA of some other rapist. And you know your uncle raped you in the past. It is just so appalling difficult for you to have to wait. It is really not acceptable that the police cannot give you a timescale.

Keep focusing on work and your therapy when your T returns. Keep hugging Chelsea and taking care of yourself. You are so worth it.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, they did provide a timescale of sorts... just that it will take a few months before they even get to it to test the two samples.

I talked to the social worker on the phone at lunch and she asked how did last night, how much sleep I got, if I had nightmares. She asked me to rate how suicidal I was on a scale from 1 to 10. I told her I wasn't quite at a 10, but that I was very close to it. We talked about whether going into the hospital was an option for me - I told her it wasn't because it would add more stress to me financially. She asked what I planned to do tonight to keep myself safe. And had me make a deal with her, that I would see her tomorrow, and still show up to my appointment. I don't make promises or deals with people unless I intend to keep them.

This police station was supposed to be different, they were supposed to have had way more training in this area then other police stations. It's really hit me hard that this whole thing has failed again, that I'm still as unsafe as I was before - the only difference is that I live in a new house now.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - it must already have been a month or more since they sent the DNA off (if they did it at the time of your reporting). I really hope it isn't too long now, though every day must feel like it is too long.

I'm so glad you have this social worker, particularly since your T is away. Taking things one day at a time is probably the best way to go. I agree that it is best to keep hospital for when you have no choice. At the moment, it might make you feel even worse about yourself, though I do understand the financial pressure aspect. If you can manage to keep going to work and it distracts you for some part of the day at least, then that is good. I hope they've given you something to help you sleep. Without sleep this would be even harder for you, I should imagine.

How do you feel in your new house? I know you don't feel very safe at all just now, but do you feel safer there than the last house? How are the animals settling down there? I hope it has all the ingredients to be a very good place to live for you all.

 

[mytai]

@Echo, they only took his DNA right before Easter I believe, so it actually hasn't been that long - only a few weeks. They haven't given me anything to help me sleep. I haven't been able to get in to see my psych doctor because his secretary won't return my phone calls to book an appointment. The social worker is going to try and contact the psych doctor for me to get me in asap. Right now I'm not on anything at all, I'm also not sleeping. Sometimes I will get a few hours here or there but anytime I fall asleep I have nightmares right now.

Work does distract me, so if I can continue to go to work that's the best option for me. The new house feels better. The neighbours introduced themselves while I was unloading the moving truck. I have a roommate who seems more present, plus she has 2 dogs of her own. So it feels safer. No one knows my address yet.

 

[greenleaf]

Hi @mytai, I'm glad your house feels better and safer! I think @Echo has some great points above about systemic problems with the UK police on very relevant issues, please do your best to keep those in mind.

Maybe your pets need new toys to go in their new house?

 

[Echo]

@greenleaf - unfortunately there is another report out today about how the UK crime figures have been distorted (reduced by 20%) because they've been leaving rape reports out of the totals. Several rapes haven't been followed up because the police felt there was too much work involved, apparently. I'm sure it'll be similar in the US and Canada. Anyway, the point is really that there are so many reasons why the police might not be going ahead with mytai's case, not all of them laudable. It doesn't help mytai, except I hope to realise that she may well be up against systemic failings, and not her own supposed sudden onset madness. Here's hoping it all changes when the DNA results come back.

 

[mytai]

@greenleaf, I don't live in the UK - but I guess the issues are similar everywhere in the world. I'm sure they would love new toys, but they are spoiled enough. The cat is content to explore the new areas, my dog loves that she has a backyard and two new playmates now.

@Echo, I hate to assume that it is just the system failing because it gives me zero hope for protection in the future. But I'm already there. I had gotten my hopes up that this was the final straw, that this was the last time he would ever be able to lay hands on me and that this new police station would be the ones who would put a stop to the abuse. I kept telling myself over and over to NOT get my hopes up, that it would hurt too much if I did, but I did get my hopes up, and now I'm crushed. I just really don't know what to do with myself. It hurts. It hurts worse than when my ex left me, and I felt like my heart was being torn from my chest when that happened... this hurts way worse than that.

I can't hope anymore. My best bet is to just "forget" that the DNA samples have even been submitted and figure out how to live my life (if living is even the right option) and find a way to feel safe again.

 

[Echo]

@mytai - I hope all this activity will have acted as a massive warning to your uncle not to step out of line, at least in respect of you. I do understand that it is too hard for you to hope anything like that or that the DNA results will act as your way out, and, you are right, in a way, it stops you living your life and keeps you in a waiting frame of mind.

Systems can change and there are a lot of people out there campaigning. These reports in the UK show at least that someone in an official capacity is calling for change. But that is all political, and wasn't really the point of telling you about it. I think what is important is that you try to keep your trust in yourself and your gut instinct. I know from my own experience that having your identity and self-perception so challenged is a very hard thing to cope with. It is shattering, but in the end, we have to come back to ourselves, because there isn't anything else that can protect us better really. Your gut told you you were in danger and it was right. My gut does the same, and it is always right, too, even when everyone else tells me I'm wrong. It is easy to lose that when we have these awful challenges, but try to hold onto yourself and your values and your plans for the future, however they shape up. At the moment, just getting through each day is a major achievement, when this is like another bereavement for you.

My therapist told me that my battle with the National Health Service to get any therapy (not yet successful after 15 months) is a trauma reenactment for me. I am over and over again caught up in my parents' neglect and dismissal of me. Unfortunately, external authorities are representative of our parents and family. My therapist says that until I learn to fully internalise authority over my own life, I will keep getting caught up in these things. So the way forward is to keep doing things for myself, step-by-step, and making choices that support my being and parent myself in a good way. It means I have to pay for my own therapy entirely when I'm really struggling to work and earn my living. Like you, giving up working is not an option (and probably keeps us healthy in a way.).

Every time you choose to reach out to someone to support you, whether it is your T or a support worker or someone well-intentioned, you are doing that. I know I need to speak or just know my truth even if everyone around me is telling me it is wrong. It is extremely hard to do, but it is the way to get oneself back from one's abusers.

 

[ill]

@mytai, what @Echo wrote holds true of Canada too. It's an awful, awful thing: We report the crime, as we're told we should, to people who are supposed to protect and serve us, and then they seemingly find any excuse/justification in the whole world not to do their jobs. This is not on you, not at all. This is about a culture/system that is inherently f*cked up.

Do you think it might be a (safe) possibility for you to learn some kind of weapons training? I hesitate to suggest this option because while for some people, it may positively impact their feeling of strength and security, if you are feeling suicidal, this may not be the best option. But if I personally had to and could choose, I would choose you over your uncle every single time. I want you to keep living in the world, @mytai, and I want you to be and feel safe. And if the police are incapable of keeping you safe, then I wanted to suggest this possibility, though only you would know if it would work for you.