Topics You Can't Touch With A Ten-foot Pole

[Ellabella44]

My ten foot pole subject changes alot. It depends on so many things especially mood of fragments. Even if they seem not that present, I end up having to have things that comfort how I'm in the most pain on anything I intend to talk about.

With my T , and visits with a sis in law, I can bring my stuffed kitty and a blanket. And it's OK to do so for them both. The big things you don't want to touch are hard.

And it's better to take it in small pieces. I know the "urge to talk about it before you loose your nerve" feeling. Wanting it over and done with. But thats like dumping ice water over your head.

Need time to honor who you were at the time of the trauma. That you dealt with the situation the best way you could at the time. To forgive yourself the "if only I was better, stronger etc". And that is alot of heavy lifting and takes time.

Sorry if this is a bit fuzzy of a response. I'm writing from behind the fog and having trouble concentrating.

 

[sun seeker]

Even now we "joke" about her not being able to retire until I'm done with her... only I don't think I'm joking!

Yup. I totally understand how you would not be joking.

Either people don't matter that much to me or the fear of me doing something to make them leave feels completely overwhelming.

I just wanted to comment on this, because for me it is pretty much the same way except that it's not that I don't care about people I am not attached to. It's just a different kind of caring. There is less... I don't know what the word is I am looking for, but there is less wrapped up in it.

Because this certainly has no basis in your current reality. People who are your friends are not going to die because of something you say or do (unless of course you actually murder them), nor are they going to abandon you because of a small mistake or false move.

This gave me pause, and that is an understatement. I had to go away, think, take a bath, think some more, go lie down and put on my shamanic journeying CD several times in a row, looking for some part of me that knows that this has no basis in my current reality. After a great deal of searching I found one, but my traumatized parts absolutely don't trust it or want to let go and give it the benefit of the doubt. This is a very very very ingrained belief.

I think I posted somewhere else earlier that you might be pushing yourself too hard/too fast.

Yes. So this is me listening to you. :-) I do sometimes do that. That's why I wrote a long post in my diary mainly about other stuff and am feeling somewhat more stable, and why I'm going to leave my response here for now.

 

[sun seeker]

The more I thought about this as I couldn't sleep, the more I have to question the assumption that my beliefs are not based on current reality. In my life people really do suddenly change and abandon me unpredictably, and when this happens I really am not all right. This has happened at least four times that I count - four major times - since I moved into this house four years ago. Yes, each time triggers other events from the past, but it is still happening and I really don't have the skills to cope with it in the present. There really is a good reason for my hypervigilance around this.

I don't like that this is true. But I really think it is. There is something in me that keeps attracting this experience. It means approaching the problem in a different way. I don't know what that way is, and that has both me and my therapist confused. But I think it's important for us to know.

 

[Suzetig]

Is it something that you're attracting or could it be the phase of life you're at, something that we go through but you've had a lot in a short space of time? I remember in one year losing my best friend, 3 other close friends, a close colleague, my minister and a support group - they all moved away, left me or relationships/groups ended one after the other. It truly felt like every time I got close to someone and trusted them, they left. It totally triggered old feelings of abandonment but my feelings about those relationships were real and current.

It's ok to feel it when people leave and let you down, and sometimes that happens a lot in a short space of time. I'm coming to accept that that doesn't mean it's me even when it feels like it is. Don't know if any of that makes sense or is helpful?

 

[sun seeker]

or could it be the phase of life you're at, something that we go through but you've had a lot in a short space of time?

No, it's happened all my life. It actually is true that when I get close to someone, it triggers such severe abandonment issues that they leave. The circumstances are different each time, but the result is the same. I attract it. I don't know how to stop. It's like a record groove that keeps getting deeper.

 

[Suzetig]

It might be worth breaking down what you see happening, eg is it that getting close to someone triggers your abandonment stuff so much that you behave in ways that you think are too much and drive people away, is it that you think you trigger abandonment issues in the other person which makes them pull away, or that they somehow see your fear of abandonment and abandon you as a result? Or is it something else entirely?

I guess what I'm wondering is what happens between your feeling severe fear of abandonment and the other person pulling away. You may not be able to answer that or may not want to but it might help you unpick what's happening that causes you such distress.

 

[sun seeker]

is it that getting close to someone triggers your abandonment stuff so much that you behave in ways that you think are too much and drive people away

Yes

or that they somehow see your fear of abandonment and abandon you as a result?

and yes

a combination of these plus some simple bad luck.

 

[Hope4Now]

I guess what I'm wondering is what happens between your feeling severe fear of abandonment and the other person pulling away. You may not be able to answer that or may not want to but it might help you unpick what's happening that causes you such distress.

^ and your answers above leave me with this urge to get all "therapisty" (that's a Hope word)...so just ignore as needed.

If the two things you answered "yes" to above are true, and you answer clearly enough that they probably are, then you know where your work lies. This is where you start. You cannot change your feelings, but you CAN change the way you behave. When we begin to realize this--and I mean realize in the deepest sense of the word--AND we make choices to change our behavior, we have begun the cognitive restructuring. And eventually, when our brains start to rewire, the thinking we do about our emotions changes. And often the emotions change to. Success leads to success. It's a long and rutted path with lots of switchbacks, and that's where the need for self-compassion comes in.

There IS a way out of this stuff. The universe is not conspiring against you to make people abandon you. Really. This is an ingrained belief that so many of your parts are stuck in. It's time to begin challenging it. (And I say this with deep compassion...this is not meant to minimize the feelings or to offer a pat answer).

 

[Chava]

What do you do with those topics you urgently need to work on but can't?

Good question, but I think you might have answered it in realizing you need to work on grounding. For me that IS the "work" of managing that stuff...the work is finding safer balance and regulation so you can tolerate just small pieces but also pull away if needed. I'm always working on that stuff. Bringing up memories and details is actually less important to me than knowing that my reality is in the present. It's helpful to connect triggers to memories, but the "work" is in keeping grounding or knowing I don't have to dive in or be flooded.

That being said, I've approached things very slowly. First hard stuff (after about a year of therapy) was bringing up sexual assault stuff and also how I lacked boundaries. Then admitting stuff like fears my therapist would dump me or think I'm disgusting (very hard to share my fears of relationships and potentially needing other people). And admitting she or I don't always seem real. At this point I'm amazed at what I've managed to share (like even how I went overboard on sex play in childhood, getting any friend I could find involved in sticking fingers inside me, or molesting dolls)...and ways I'd abuse myself too (just ... WTF and yuck). My therapist has made it possible through being compassionate, not freaking out, and also normalizing a lot of it from a trauma perspective.

So I have touched the 10-foot-pole stuff, all just slowly and in bits, as it felt like I could mostly survive. I have a few pieces I'm holding onto because I don't know that they are relevant and it would fit with stuff I've already shared. Also, I don't remember much about my home or family, so... meh. Most of what I experience (I'd say like 75%) is probably the <age4 trauma that I don't even remember in normal ways, so very hard to verbalize but quite obvious in some somatic-oriented moments.

It's all horrible to share no matter what. But if it's too much, I'm really just working on feeling like I can stay connected to my therapist and feel safe in therapy (like @Ellabella44 , I like having a blanket or stuffed animal sometimes)...and on my own time I'm working around body stuff and sleeping and taking care of myself...I share with my therapist what positive resources I'm finding or trying to work on. It's not 100% trauma rehash...that would be terrible. It's a lot of just learning how to keep connected and feel okay with myself right now. So, aware and yet willingly using enjoyable or at least healthy distractions when needed.

 

[PoopyPTSD]

I understand what you are going through completely. That is a huge trigger for me as well. I have been doing EMDR for a very long time and what I have realized is that it usually is a memory that is very hard to emotionally handle, and it's there right in the back of your head along with fear. What you are doing is running from it, at least that's my experience. However, that was also my mind telling me I was ready to handle it yet. When I told myself "it's ok, everything is ok" then it would still be there but it wouldn't keep torturing me as bad. Keep trying to ground yourself, and let yourself off the hook that you just aren't emotionally ready yet. Know that you have made it through some horrific things and you CAN make it through this....

 

[Mosey]

Sorry if this all over the place. I am not doing well at all.

I had a serious breakdown in Augus...

I read and totally relate to your experiences and even more, your emotions! a month ago I believed I was alone in my ACON issues, and That I was so far beyond human aid that I should not be here, on this planet anymore. Here I am a month later, writing on a couple forums! My life is seemingly destroyed. I know these dark dark times will pass. I just want to urge you to keep reaching out! Keep talking. Keep telling your story. It's super important. I'm sorry you don't feel good I really am, I've lived through some very dark days in my years too. Sounds like same stuff maybe ... And saying the truth out loud and reaching out I'd the first step, you've find all this, you are brave! You are not alone. That is what I have discovered in this last month. I am NOT alone I found people who speak my language. I found people who believe me when I tell my stories and say the truth about how I feel and how I think. They believe me and they support me I believe you and I want to support you in working with a trauma therapist who is interested in keeping you very safe. A trauma therapist is like a surgeon. And when you go in there and talk about your trauma with them it's like they have cut you open and when you leave that office they had better put you back together properly when people go into surgery they can die if they get an infection or they're not put back together properly or they're not cleaned out right or maybe and internal organ gets hit by a scalpel while they're in there working on this other area. All kinds of things can go wrong. It is so important that your trauma therapist is certain that you are put back together safely to leave their office after your trauma therapy. Self care is very very important during trauma work. I speak from experience. I will keep looking to see if you write more. Good luck to you and have a good day everybody this is my first post on your forum here I just joined I usually hang out at narcissisticmothers thank you

 

[Flower Power]

I would like to say something about all this exposure therapy everyone is talking about. I know for me that was just way to triggering for me and I felt so out of control and overwhelmed by the "Fear of Abandonment" that would get triggered in just about every trigger. It was like the chocolate on the cookie of every trigger. It was wrapped tight in all of it. I hear you. It has taken a lot of healing and a lot of reparenting myself, learning how not to abandon myself to get any real movement in this. I had to learn to "trust" and my husband really helped me with that but it hasn't been an automatic thing. We have been married 13 years and that trust has had to grow and he has been very patient and loving through the process. There are many I will never trust because I know that they trigger my abandonment issues because they are incapable of empathy or compassion, so I have had to quick looking for love and affirmation from every single human being that I ever met. That was a tough one. When I started learning how to take care of myself, love myself in the little things, that floor began to become more solid under my feet, so that even if someone else couldn't be there for me I was still there for the child within me that needs that so desperately. What I discovered recently was that because of the "lack of attachment to my mother" because of her narcissism and abusive nature. I grew up emotionally starving for attachment, looking for it every where and not finding it. It was like being caught in the void.. Totally sucked and I got really tired of crumbling into an overwhelmed mess every time someone hit a nerve, and then I would feel like such an idiot, "because in my mind, no sane person would act like that, or be triggered that bad. What someone told me is that this particular issue hits at the core of our being, because as infants if we are not seen, not cared for, we will die. So these "Abandonment issues" are the deepest of all our problems and for me started the whole ball of wax rolling in the first place. It explained to me, the why so overwhelming, why such desperation, why such intensity. Because as infants we wouldn't have made it. The biggest trick is getting your child to recognize that your are an adult, and the adult to recognize the child and give that child everything you never got. Become her mother! Become your own special grandma that spoils the child within. It does get better I promise. But I really know this one, and my prayers are with you.