Freida
VIP Member
So that's why it makes me feel odd....still stuck in the 90s
that helps!!!
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Trans, nb, queer and intersex folks - welcome!
- Post starter Swift
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bellbird
VIP Member
I'm sensing a theme here.. ;) gotcha :) thanks all for the info
bellbird
VIP Member
Hey folks,
So we're currently advertising the spare room in our flat, and a transgender person (MTF) messaged in and asked if she could have a look at the room (she said she was transgender in her message).
Of course we said yes; she said in her message that she pays bills on time and tidies up after herself, which is really the part that matters here.
The reason I'm posting about this, is that I have never met (that I know of) a trans person IRL, and I just wanna make sure I make her feel accepted (I'm an ally already).
As far as I know, the important things are to not deadname her (I don't know her deadname, anyway, but I wouldn't do that regardless), and to use female pronouns for her, as based off her intro message, that is what she uses.
Is there anything else?
So we're currently advertising the spare room in our flat, and a transgender person (MTF) messaged in and asked if she could have a look at the room (she said she was transgender in her message).
Of course we said yes; she said in her message that she pays bills on time and tidies up after herself, which is really the part that matters here.
The reason I'm posting about this, is that I have never met (that I know of) a trans person IRL, and I just wanna make sure I make her feel accepted (I'm an ally already).
As far as I know, the important things are to not deadname her (I don't know her deadname, anyway, but I wouldn't do that regardless), and to use female pronouns for her, as based off her intro message, that is what she uses.
Is there anything else?
Ask her. :)
As with any other person, have no way of knowing.
It is not impolite / alienating to ask what can you do to make her feel more comfortable, or if she needs anything, beforehand.
(Also, while she/her are a good generic idea, I would still rather ask her about that one, too. For she might be a trans woman who goes by entirely different pronoun set as descriptors / is more comfortable with other pronouns than she and her. It is not as clear cut to be woman: she, still varies.)
As with any other person, have no way of knowing.
It is not impolite / alienating to ask what can you do to make her feel more comfortable, or if she needs anything, beforehand.
(Also, while she/her are a good generic idea, I would still rather ask her about that one, too. For she might be a trans woman who goes by entirely different pronoun set as descriptors / is more comfortable with other pronouns than she and her. It is not as clear cut to be woman: she, still varies.)
Neverthesame
Diamond Member
I can tell you what I do when interacting with a trans person.
I treat them the same as everyone else, no special treatment good or bad. Just the way I'd want to be treated were I in that person's shoes.
I treat them the same as everyone else, no special treatment good or bad. Just the way I'd want to be treated were I in that person's shoes.
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- #103
Swift
Diamond Member
Yeah no worries about asking what helps!
Most people are flattered to be asked how you can help honestly....
Other than that, if you're an ally you know which phrases to avoid - and always use her correct pronouns.
@Neverthesame I agree with treating people the same - I don't put up with crap I wouldn't from a non-queer person.
But - there's equality, and then there's equity. We'll get to equality eventually, but as far as equity goes, it's polite to be polite.
People have specific needs, or specific, basic things that can make life so much easier.
Me, I always like to sit wher I can see the door or park in a good spot... I appreciate it more than other people would if people don't block my exit to a place. That's PTSD.
I also hate being deadnamed with the fire of a thousand suns. It's something I've lost friendships over, it's something that if people do that to me, on purpose, repeatedly, when I've asked them not to, I don't interact with them until they can literally do that one thing.
Making sure you treat people with respect can sometimes involve a change of plans, is all I'm saying.
We'll get to the point where literally no one cares if you're cis or trans or gay or straight or whatever - but we're not there yet. What that point looks like for queer people is, that their basics aren't questioned - name, pronoun, choice of partner. If we truly wanted equality, what true equality looks like is no one giving a shit and respecting each other.
I think intention matters hugely - hugely. If you slip up, I don't care - but if you refuse to try, and argue with me, I certainly do. Slips are natural - it's okay to f*ck up, and the best thing to do is not make a big deal, correct yourself and move on. Defs correct others in your flat if they ask rude questions or make deliberate mistakes.
But yeah it sounds like you're doing all the right things!
Most people are flattered to be asked how you can help honestly....
Other than that, if you're an ally you know which phrases to avoid - and always use her correct pronouns.
@Neverthesame I agree with treating people the same - I don't put up with crap I wouldn't from a non-queer person.
But - there's equality, and then there's equity. We'll get to equality eventually, but as far as equity goes, it's polite to be polite.
People have specific needs, or specific, basic things that can make life so much easier.
Me, I always like to sit wher I can see the door or park in a good spot... I appreciate it more than other people would if people don't block my exit to a place. That's PTSD.
I also hate being deadnamed with the fire of a thousand suns. It's something I've lost friendships over, it's something that if people do that to me, on purpose, repeatedly, when I've asked them not to, I don't interact with them until they can literally do that one thing.
Making sure you treat people with respect can sometimes involve a change of plans, is all I'm saying.
We'll get to the point where literally no one cares if you're cis or trans or gay or straight or whatever - but we're not there yet. What that point looks like for queer people is, that their basics aren't questioned - name, pronoun, choice of partner. If we truly wanted equality, what true equality looks like is no one giving a shit and respecting each other.
I think intention matters hugely - hugely. If you slip up, I don't care - but if you refuse to try, and argue with me, I certainly do. Slips are natural - it's okay to f*ck up, and the best thing to do is not make a big deal, correct yourself and move on. Defs correct others in your flat if they ask rude questions or make deliberate mistakes.
But yeah it sounds like you're doing all the right things!
PTSDGuy
Not Active
Interesting place you have here.... I'm a Gay guy with CPTSD from the generation that still gets freaked out hearing "queer". It's been used as a weapon against me for close to 50 years, so hearing it is tough... I've been called names, attacked in the streets, fired for being Gay, and disowned by my family for being "queer"...
While I was being abused as a kid, I was called queer and much worse.... So just hearing someone say it triggers me. But I would never stop someone from using it to describe themselves if they're comfortable using it. I understand how it's taking back power from haters... It's just not a word I would choose.
When we were protesting and fighting for LGBT rights in the 70's, we didn't imagine that the world would change so much for us ... Just being out in the 70's was tough. Most of our marches had 30 or 40 people in them. Everyone else was too scared to be out in public.
I once went to a fortune teller with friends in the 80's. They told me I'd get married one time - I laughed and told them it was a ridiculous idea - Gay people couldn't get married! I've now been with my husband 31 years... And got married as soon as it was legal... Guess they mighta been right!
I'm just glad you "kids" are continuing the fight for equality for all of us...
While I was being abused as a kid, I was called queer and much worse.... So just hearing someone say it triggers me. But I would never stop someone from using it to describe themselves if they're comfortable using it. I understand how it's taking back power from haters... It's just not a word I would choose.
When we were protesting and fighting for LGBT rights in the 70's, we didn't imagine that the world would change so much for us ... Just being out in the 70's was tough. Most of our marches had 30 or 40 people in them. Everyone else was too scared to be out in public.
I once went to a fortune teller with friends in the 80's. They told me I'd get married one time - I laughed and told them it was a ridiculous idea - Gay people couldn't get married! I've now been with my husband 31 years... And got married as soon as it was legal... Guess they mighta been right!
I'm just glad you "kids" are continuing the fight for equality for all of us...
littleoc
VIP Member
This made me so happy!!! Congratulations!!!!!
PTSDGuy
Not Active
Thanks! Still can't believe it myself, sometimes!
PTSDGuy
Not Active
I KNEW this just seemed like the right place to put my first post... ?
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