Trapped In A Cage Of My Own Mind.

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I feel so trapped and caged in my own thoughts. I can't seem to get out of my own head. Tried some self soothing and grounding techniques but I still can't seem to step out of my mind.

Rape. Suicide. I'm really not sure how to help myself at the moment. Same things going round and round in my head like dirty shoes in a washing machine. I tried to write a trauma diary but it makes me freak out and I just can't do it right now.

I'm not at the point yet in therapy of speaking about the trauma. I don't know if I can do it well I guess I'll have to. The way I see it is there are two choices; deal with the trauma and try to get better or suicide because I cant live like this anymore, neither of those choices are particularly appealing.

I'm already dieing internally may as well make the exterior match the interior. I have been remembering other things from my childhood, sexual abuse.I can't believe this as if it isn't enough to have been raped ( god I hate that word even someone saying it send a deep shocking sensation in to my very soul).

Why? Why did this happen?

What the f*ck is the point of this life of mine? To suffer from childhood to now? To whole heartedly hate my self and cause suffering and pain to the only people I love?

Maybe some lives are not ment to be. Maybe I'm already in hell for something terrible I did in a previous life. Maybe there is no such thing as heaven or hell and this is it. Who knows? Who the f*ck gives a shit? All I know is that up to now my life is bullshit. I can't care at the moment and I don't think I want to. I'm going to sleep now maybe I won't be such a pussy in the morning. I'm sorry for this rambling pile of self loathing selfishness. Nonsensically thinking out loud if you read this shit I'm sorry.

 

[Sally sue]

Ya, I read it, and it's not shit :) it's real, even though it's awful! We all have some purpose in life, and we are all unique and are meant to be here.

I know it's hard to talk to T about your traumas, but it's such a relief to be able to talk to someone, and help you get some perspective. Quite a few times I tell my T something that's running around in my head, she says it back, I can't help but laugh and say "how come when it's in my head it sounds so right, but when you say it, it sounds so stupid?" It's not good to only hear your own thoughts :)

Hang in there! Keep talking to us! We get what you're going through.

Sally sue

 

[billie]

@NoWhereKnowWhere I get it, don't give up on yourself, you have self worth here. I read your posts and it makes me feel less isolated. Your responses to posts are insightful, you truly are a special person. It would hurt many of us here if you went down the path to end it; but I am with you 100% when I say not a day goes by I think the same. I have made myself a contract to wait out and to continue therapy regardless of my SI. My house has been made safer by removing items which I store at my T's place. The act of writing up a contract I found was grounding for me. I also realised I had many options to continue with hope to recover. Every day I am afraid a but one day is only 24hrs. When we reflect on what we have endured, 24hrs of our brain fooling us is easier than the events. This does not take away the fact that it is super hard to be a survivor, but we need you here. I am here for you unconditionally buddy, so get it all out here on this forum. Just like @SallySue said keep taking to us, no judgment here. Don't forget to use your grounding techniques too, apparently the more we use it the easier it is for us to apply them (((hugs))) (if you will accept them). Take care.

 

[tillybee]

@NoWhereKnowWhere Unfortunately I can relate to your story & trauma you've experienced. If this is any consolation I too ask myself the same questions. Over & over again they circle me like birds above my head, sometimes I despair & go totally off on one. I think this helps you though! It enables you to see that on a good day or moment of clarity, that actually you've done pretty well considering! It makes me look at my morals & principles & I think - 'I am a decent person'. I may have suffered tremendously but I have these inner values that are steadfast and strong. I want to instill those values in my family & friends & know that no one will EVER hurt them in the way I've been hurt because of the education & insight I've passed on. So I guess I have done 'pretty well considering'? I hope that you too can look inside & find something like this? The bad stuff well thats always there, the dark murky waters of black, but there may just be one glimmer? I'd love to hear it :) xx

 

[WhiteSwan]

I thank you for sharing @NoWhereKnowWhere - what you are feeling is real, it's valid and justified. No harsh judgement or apologies needed.

Let the storm of feelings and thoughts be there and just imagine yourself stepping out of that storm and looking down on it. (You don't have to detach or stop these feelings as that probably isn't possible anyway - but visualise yourself looking in on your thoughts from the outside). That soul looking down on this storm is you - full of dignity and love that nobody can take away from you...

The storm of thoughts and awful feelings is a result of life experiences that you have unfortunately had to endure and it's holding you hostage. Even though you cannot understand or believe now, just know that holding on another day may see the sunlight break through this storm - that's a very real possibility - seek some hope if not to believe now - hold on for now in that hope may be something you feel in the future.

You are not alone in the wait.

I am waiting with you - I figure if I've been waiting my whole life - what's one more day, month, year to wait for breaking free from my ptsd...