Trauma From Medical Workplace

[ElfinPrincess]

I have so much to say but I will try to keep it concise . I had SI even before joining med school and symptoms of anxiety , but was formally diagnosed in med school with GAD and MDD. Despite this I tried my best to keep up with the material. I got humiliated by the professors on the daily, so much that I began to believe in their words and became my own worst critic. I internalised their abuse in the name of teaching. They would yell at me and tell me I'm good for nothing and call me a donkey all because I couldn't answer one question. Despite all this I somehow passed my exams and became an intern.

The six months of internship I endured were the worst in my life. Constantly getting humiliated in front of patients and peers, having panic attacks daily. I had to withdraw from the program because if I stayed there could only be one ending for me.

I requested a transfer to a new hospital but the symptoms remain. My legs turn to jelly whenever I look at a medical procedure. My stomach tightens and clenches and there's a pit every time I think about going back to an environment that nearly killed me. But I need the degree otherwise I'd have wasted eight years of my life studying and preparing for this thing. Dropping out completely would incur huge fines. I still have 6 months to endure in two of the heaviest rotations, and that's if the transfer is accepted. If not..... My mind goes blank when I think of it. I don't know how I'm going to perform in a high stress environment when I'm in this condition and there are no resources available in my area for PTSD. I even had 7 rounds of ECT done after months of medicines and being declared treatment resistant. I now know it was the PTSD diagnosis they missed.

I don't know what to do. Even if I get the degree, how will I work in a hospital again? And how will I endure 6 more months of potential abuse? I don't know... I have no prospects beyond this. I gave everything to this and the system broke me.

 

[anthony]

Hi, I'm sorry to hear. Firstly, congratulations on doing an amazing job to be where you are today. You're a doctor and nearly fully qualified. That is an amazing accomplishment. I understand the difficulties, doctors need to work under high stress. That sucks.

The future component, how will you work in a hospital again, well... do you have to? Once qualified, what are your options? Can you move and work in a rural hospital instead? Something lower stress and less chaotic? I'm sure there are options and I'm sure remote hospitals are always looking for willing transfers.

The hard part, getting through your next six months. That is tough. Do you run or exercise heavily? If not, that is my one suggestion. When not working, be running or working out with your most favourite mix playing in your ears to disconnect.

I just want to reiterate, well done on your success to date. Don't beat yourself up, you have achieved something very little are capable of doing in the scheme of the worlds population. Use that to tell the bad thoughts to f*ck off.

 

[Movingforward10]

Are there other options rather than drop out or finish in 6 months despite the potential cost to your health?
Do they have pastoral care and some mitigation for mental health? I.e. can they offer support? Or defer the next 6 months for a bit? Or offer something else that feels manageable?

 

[arfie]

hello elfin. welcome to the forum. sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here.

I don't know... I have no prospects beyond this. I gave everything to this and the system broke me.

my only clues on medical career development come from television, so? ? ? i've been boycotting the medical system since 1995 when age-related testing became the high pressure theme of every physical. color me clueless on the medical career score, but my engineering career has left me feeling thusly more times than i care to count. i am happy to report that each and every time has proven to be all feeling and very little fact. i learned and the hard lesson turned into a building block for future endeavors. i was down, but i wasn't out. "keep putting one foot in front of the other and you are bound to get somewhere." ~tom joad

steadying support while you find your own what's next. keep venting. your answers are in there.

welcome aboard.

 

[Teamoisabigcat]

Hi elfin, I’m not a doctor but I have similar things. I work for corporates, as an IT consult. I need to present and speak in group or public with ppl who work in higher level and i have panic attack all my life thinking that was normal. I didn’t have the language to understand it until lately, I’m 38. I’ve developed so many unhealthy patterns like perfectionist, ppl-pleaser. I become the stronger one in my family. I supported my mom, sister, niece financially. I bought a house for them too! Ppl look at me from the outside and said you are so strong but it’s called disorder, CPTSD.

3 years ago after covid it got really bad, I quilted my toxic job and needed a new job but I had panic attack all the time and felt really bad. I started with medication first, doctor said I had depression. I was on fluoxetine and clonazepam for a few months. The med helped me getting a new better job. It was just last year I started therapy and mine has long years in clinical experience and she helped me processing and I finally figured out why my life felt so hard. I’m still struggle sometimes when I’m triggered but I learned many techniques to tell my brain I’m not in danger anymore. It got much better even though I still take clonazepam once or twice a week before streesful meetings.

Med - therapy - take a break if you need. Compassion to yourself is a key.

You are not alone. There’s hope and it got better for me so you’ll get better too, with time.

Hug and take it easy. You are amazing!