General Trauma Work & Skills You Learn - Sufferers, Please Respond

[Justmehere]

I agree that there is a choice sufferers have to make to take some risks when growing close relationships with others.

But I also don't think it's always about simply needing to make a choice to risk vulnerability.

There is inherent risks in being in a relationship. When that risk has meant the treat of imminent death or worse, it can affect the body and brain to the point where taking risks to be too close too fast for the sufferer would do harm to the relationship.

Let me give an example.

There is one topic that I can't share with anyone right now outside of therapy. When I have taken that risk, I become sucidial and dissocitative to the point I can not function. I could let a supporter in on that subject, and then I start dissociating so badly I end up in a hospital shaking and shivering and not even sure how I get there.

For me, I can't get make that choice to risk letting the supporter in on that subject without risking symptoms I already know I don't have the skills or stability to handle. My ending up hospitalized just to let a supporter in doesn't really help the relationship grow.

This is an extreme example, but it applies in other ways too.

Boundaries are actually really important in close relationships. Saying no to some things allows me to say yes to other things and sustain more connection. Boundaries allow me to be me and the other person to be themselves - and that's essential to healthy relationships.,

 

[joeylittle]

@MandyLou - I moved your thread into the supporters section, only so that other supporters would find it.

What do you think is important for the loved ones/supporters to remember while the sufferer doesn't communicate as much during this time and creates immense space?

Something that is true for me is this: When I'm in a raw place, I am most afraid of the people who really know me. I don't have the energy to be OK on the outside, but I don't have the energy to talk about why I'm not OK. It's a conundrum, because I would like someone to help me take my mind off of myself, but I also don't know how to ask for what I want.

All this adds up to, I go very silent and kind of fall off the map. None of that is good for any of my relationships, and I know it, but say to myself 'well, this is not going to be this bad forever, and I'll explain it all to them when I'm out of the woods'.

Invariably, I never explain, and just hope they will forgive me. It's really a bad cycle, and I'm working on how to break through it.

 

[MandyLou]

@Justmehere - thank you for providing some clarity on that. I understand that there should be certain limits to allow the individual some room for self-exploration and time to heal.

Are you saying that getting too close too soon can make the person withdraw and shut down?

Well, sometimes I think it's just a choice. Let me explain this a little bit. Like, when you are in a relationship that you have no reason no to trust the person because this person has communicated and demonstrated that they are trustworthy, BUT you have had experiences that tell you otherwise. Now, you have to make a decision to trust this person even though you have been trained through experience not to trust anybody. It's just a risk you have to take. I believe each person should decide if their relationship with that person is worth that risk or not.

Also, by trusting I didn't mean you have to share every thought you have with another or trust them with a feeling. I meant that you would trust them enough to communicate when times got difficult and you would extend trust to them to be there for you even when you felt like you couldn't be there for them the way you wished you would.

 

[EveHarrington]

@MandyLou

You're asking a lot of very broad questions. I suggest that you take the time to read all of the articles on this site, get your hands on recommended books, and search for these topics in old threads.

Simple example-----asking about coping skills. Well really there are hundreds of coping skills out there, many posts by sufferers on coping skills, and so on.

I think a little research on your end will yield great results.

 

[Justmehere]

@MandyLou - you make some fair points. One of the most heartbreaking conversations someone ever had with me was them telling me how much they wished I could trust them. I wanted that too. In that tender moment, it helped me dare to risk a little more to communicate with them that I was struggling.

Are you saying that getting too close too soon can make the person withdraw and shut down?

In many cases, yes.

It can also lead to a severe spike in other symptoms that are beyond the what the sufferer has the skills or capacity to cope with - thus the long and on-going process to build and maintain a robust list of good coping skills.

Also, by trusting I didn't mean you have to share every thought you have with another or trust them with a feeling. I meant that you would trust them enough to communicate when times got difficult and you would extend trust to them to be there for you even when you felt like you couldn't be there for them the way you wished you would.

I understand you don't mean sharing every feeling and etc. I am learning to try to tell people before I take space in a relationship that I have a lot on my plate and I can't be in touch for x amount of time. If I choose to risk it, I'll tell safer people I am dealing with symptoms of PTSD and I will do my best to tell them when I hope to be back in touch. This has helped my relationships immensely.

But to trust that they will be there for me is something that comes slowly. I can list mant people off the top of my head who I have risked to trust would be there for me and then were not there for me when I really need it. In the past, I have made the choice to trust someone would be there for me in a vulnerable moment, only to neatly die from their perpetration of a crime against me.

I'm much more slow to trust anyone else will be there for me now. It's because I don't want to die. I know that very few people will abuse me, but even one life threatening event like that can burn into the brain the message that closeness means danger.

The brain encodes what happens in life threatening situations very strongly in order to keep us safe and alive. If a close relationship has been the context of neaely dying, then my body/brain are going to scream at me to RUN whenever I am close again.

It takes a lot of good safe experiences to outweigh the life threatening bad experience and to know, to really know, that others can be there for me and be reasonably safe.

 

[MandyLou]

@Justmehere - thank you so much for your very valuable insight!

Yes, speaking of trusting issues, I now do put the pieces together and see why someone would having difficulty trusting, but still am unsure how relational closeness can make them more symptomatic. Is it related to the feeling of being unsafe and struggling with trust, so the realization that you're close with someone makes you back off and maybe prevent that anticipated disaster?

You seem very in tune with dealing with your own issues and giving great deal of consideration as to how others get impacted by your isolation, which I can say is definitely admirable, and I'm sure those who know you more closely appreciate your effort more than you know. As you mentioned, some experiences can be very impactful and traumatic to a degree that it may alter brain function, then, yes, I certainly understand how that would play a role in basically training you to back off if you perceived a particular person or experience threatening or dangerous.

 

[Rumors]

@seedling
Gosh, you wrote exactly what was in my head... It helps so much to know I am not alone.

 

[seedling]

@Rumors, likewise! lol

 

[Abstract]

Hi @MandyLou and welcome :) Well done for wanting to know more. For you and for him.

Trauma work can vary quite a bit depending on the therapy approach and where the person is at. On the whole it usually deals with teaching knowledge of PTSD &coping skills (coping with trauma symptoms, relationships and self care better); trauma processing (moving the trauma from the wrong part of the brain into the right part of the brain) and healing trust with self and others through the relationship with the therapist. Sometimes people have developed addictions or other unhelpful coping methods and these need to be dealt with first. Depending on the age the trauma happened and the type of trauma not all these may be necessary but managing somehow to process the trauma is the key to recovery.. The difficulty is that one has to do so without re traumatising oneself and often there are a lot of protective walls around it. Doing so is extremely painful in a way that is pretty impossible to put into words.

You have many wise thoughts about trust and other relationship issues. I think what may be helpful for you would be to remember that you are seeing these things through unharmed eyes. Or non PTSD ones at least. One of the hardest things to explain to someone without this is the re living symptoms which are of course the core of PTSD. Re living something means just that. It isn't a memory. The brain hasn't stored it in the memory bank in a normal way. If something is a memory there is a then and a now and one can walk through new situations accordingly. With PTSD there is a whole lot of varying extents of the past being in the present. It's not just with full flashbacks that it happens. Imagine experiencing something traumatic right now and trying to do normal life things at the same time.

If he is doing any sort of trauma processing (even hearing I had PTSD was a form of processing for me) it would be usual for his symptoms to spike afterwards and for him to be experiencing intense flight, freeze and fight. Some people actually want contact and reassurance from the right people and others can't cope with anything or one at all when in this state. It may help you to remember he isn't just in distress in a normal sense but is experiencing something that changes perceptions of the present.

Hopefully you can manage to find out what would work best for him and work on what is best for you - and then find a place that allows you to both be OK. Usually the best approach is to allow the person to quieten things down first so that you are both not just dealing with symptoms and are rather dealing more with who he really is.

Every time someone with PTSD hits a trigger (and talking about this therapy would be a big one usually) then they will go into one of these states to some extent. In my opinion one of the best things to help you understand would be a reminder to self that this is not the equivalent to normal range experiences and therefore the person won't react in the way that would suit those..

One of the best things you can do for him is build trust (you also need to think of what you need to do for you). How can you build trust:
Respect his boundaries.
Be trustworthy.
Do what you say you will do (and it can help to remind him when you do).
Be straightforward and don't use manipulation to get your needs met.
These are just my opinion and you need to check with him what is important. Be prepared to be patient. It can be painstaking trying to find a way to speak about this stuff and it can be painstaking for others to get it out of us.

I dont have combat experience but at a guess combat is still interpersonal violence and all those with PTSD are in constant flight and flight. Intimacy is interpersonal and has to come from a vulnerable state. Re living (on some level) interpersonal violence and being in fight and flight is not conducive to intimacy. Its not like someone has stubbed their toe and is going to need comforting. Good luck.

 

[MandyLou]

Hi @Abstract :-) Thank you so much for taking the time to express your thoughts!

Yes, it makes sense that trauma work would make the sufferer relive the traumatic experiences and thus the symptoms would become more obvious and pronounced. You mention reliving certain events and feeling them in the present. I do understand the description you provide on an intellectual level, but of course, it would be very fair for me to say that I can't relate as to what it feels like to experiences things the way that sufferers so. I do feel like I have to be cautious of this and keep this in mind as I interact because I don't ever want to minimize anybody's traumatic experience by saying that I understand that or I relate. Reading about it or grasping the concept doesn't mean that I can know what it's like to be in it. Frankly, this only makes me extend more and more grace, understanding and compassion to the sufferer.

It is not easy indeed, but my own thoughts of relationship do help me when times get tough. I am still there communicating that I can. I respect space, I give time and I extend forgiveness to the sufferer. Through this all, I try to maintain the focus of who my sufferer really is and I want to do my best to see him beyond his very difficult struggles.

 

[Enaila]

@lostforgottensoul ,

thanks for your feedback. Let me ask you this - when you init...

I felt more vulnerable when I first started therapy....I was afraid of trusting someone and this caused me to withdraw more from others for awhile too. I have some strong supportive friends and a cousin (my best friend) who didn't let me isolate however. As annoying as they can be, I appreciate knowing they are there.

 

[shimmerz]

When I'm in a raw place, I am most afraid of the people who really know me.

Ditto. Because the people that know me the most can hurt me the most. They can, in fact, become 'the enemy' because I am vulnerable with them.