General Trauma Work & Skills You Learn - Sufferers, Please Respond

[MandyLou]

@anthony - the tricky part is... I don't know what is PTSD and what is not. I am not a kind of person to just assume things and make decisions that are unwise. I want to understand but things just don't add up. Is this person purposefully ignoring me and choosing not to have any exchange with me because he wants to move on from the relationship without any explanation... or is his interaction with me (not as much with others; he reaches out and talks to everyone else) impacted due to him having PTSD and not knowing how he feels? I can't see any consistent pattern with the behavior. I comes up to me in person, talks to me and flirts with me but won't respond to anything else... it sure doesn't make sense. I don't know how to put the pieces together... or if it's possible to put the pieces together and comprehend this situation. Some of the things that you mentioned about PTSD messing with sufferer's head.. I can clearly see that as many of the behaviors and their motives just don't make sense at all.

 

[MandyLou]

To me, when I do or say things, I clearly think of consequences and of course, how they would impact people around me. Especially those that I care deeply about. I don' think he thinks in such terms. When you are so not aware about yourself, then people around you are going to be hurt big time because you and your inability to think so. Let me give an example... a woman and a man are married... one day the man never comes home. The woman find out that her husbands has chosen to go to an island and stay there for the next 2 years because he feels like... you know, that may be a great decision for him, but how about his partner? We all want to do things that we like and want, but a healthy person thinks and considers how those things would impact their loved ones and their lives. You don't do what you feel is right for you, you do what is right for both of you because she's your partner.

 

[anthony]

Is this person purposefully ignoring me

Yes, regardless of PTSD, yes.

I can't see any consistent pattern with the behavior.

That is PTSD in full flight.

but a healthy person thinks and considers

Absolutely, PTSD in a person is anything but healthy. No qualms about that one.

People don't toss themselves off of building due to PTSD for no reason. It isn't depression, PTSD is a killer. PTSD is like its own entity and can literally control a person to a degree. That is the easiest way to describe it. It's horrible, to put it bluntly, for all concerned.

 

[joeylittle]

We all want to do things that we like and want, but a healthy person thinks and considers how those things would impact their loved ones and their lives.

When one is having big symptoms, it's not about like or want, it's about coping. The coping mechanisms are often negative, and can be ineffective, but that's what drives the decision making, underneath it all. To my family, when I dropped off the face of the earth and didn't respond to any messages, it looked like laziness and selfishness. It wasn't lazy - it was selfish - but I didn't know how else to deal with what was happening to me. Among them all was one person who actually was not a 'danger zone' - but she got shut out anyway, because I wasn't capable of making a distinction.

I think what is hardest on the people around PTSD, or many mental illnesses, is that the sufferer often appears - from to outside - to be OK sometimes and not OK others. But, in actuality, we aren't ever OK. Just, sometimes we hide it better.

 

[MandyLou]

@anthony & @joeylittle,

Ok, so one time we’re sitting on the couch and having a conversation. He told me that he’s come to realize why would others react with anger, frustration or disappointment to his behavior. He told me that for a long time he thought that everyone is just messed up, but then he just stared at the wall and said, “I am the one who is f***ed up”. He told me that he still couldn’t feel whatever others felt as a response to his actions, but he could somewhat understand that in an intellectual way. At the time, I wasn’t quite sure what he meant (or what that possibly could turn into) as my posture was… if you give your all in the relationship and do your best together to communicate your care, you’re going to succeed as a couple. I don’t know if it was his way of perhaps preparing me to know what’s coming, but looking back at that experience… it was eerie… and yeah, now I totally understand how he is totally f***ed up!

I now understand that there I no rationalizing any behavior here… but being somewhat aware of who he is… why would this man persistently pursue a relationship with me knowing who he is? I mean, that’s a very cruel thing to do to anybody. Knowing that someone is deeply in love with you, communicating that you’re in love with them and never backing up, knowing your own problems and later sharing that you know you’re “f****ed up” and then dropping them like they never even existed. Yes, this man is deeply messed up in the head. And I also understand that those around him may not be as close to him as I am. I know him. I know his problems; others just aren’t close enough to even be aware of what’s going on in his mind. With them, he doesn’t have to be vulnerable in any way, or look at himself or remind himself that he’s caused pain.

This certainly doesn’t make things any easier for me to digest, but it does make sense and I feel like it does provide some clarity. This is a man that doesn’t take medication because he’s afraid of side effects, sees a therapist every 6 weeks or if not less frequently. He doesn’t realize the degree of his problem… I think he doesn’t realize what his problem is. He told me once that the therapist told him that he’s got to have PTSD because he met certain multiple choice question criteria. He doesn’t really understand what that means at all. He has absolutely no introspective skills to honestly look at himself. I never thought this man could be this shallow to himself.

Everyone around him validates him, he feels good with them… with me, his own behavior just doesn’t make sense. That’s why he does everything to avoid the relationship. He’s not avoiding me; he’s avoiding himself and confrontation with his own brokenness. He doesn’t want to come terms with reality. He never responds to my encouraging words. To him, it’s probably, “I don’t need anyone’s kindness or sympathy”. He feels vulnerable. He doesn’t want to feel vulnerable.

 

[EveHarrington]

This thread just makes me feel sad. :(

People-------humans--------we have a very real desire for human contact. To say that seeking out contact when we're f*cked up is a cruel thing to do-------ouch. Our f*cked up-ness doesn't take away our NEED for close human contact.

I can't help but feel that there is a basic misunderstanding of PTSD here. The basic premise/intro of this thread tells me that you haven't done much research into PTSD itself so I strongly urge you to get your hands on all of the top PTSD/trauma books out there and read until you can't read anymore. This question/answer format of the forum can be helpful but it's still only going to tell you a drop in the buckets worth of information about PTSD. (No offense meant to the forum, it's creator or mods/staff). Please correct me if I'm wrong or this was already covered in the thread as I only skimmed over parts of it.

 

[seedling]

PTSD is like its own entity

Absolutely agree.
I said something I regretted to my acupuncturist during one session. The next day I apologized and explained it this way:
"It's not you, it's not me. It's the PTSD - the "other"." I felt that there were three entities in the room that day.

At that time I felt like my PTSD was black poison running through my veins. A darkness over everything in my life. There were moments when I felt love for others, there were whole days when it was "I hate the world and everyone in it." The feelings/emotions/words came and went through my head at their own bidding, not mine. PTSD was in control and I lay under it gasping for air.

I was afraid to take medication. I never did. It's a hard choice with a rational mind, let alone....... Therapy sucks, you can hate going, it doesn't make you feel better right afterwards. Who knows how long it will take him to gradually and painfully crawl his way to some healing in his life.

@MandyLou , I can appreciate the pain you are in. Through some of what you write I still see you struggling with thinking that he "should" be responsible for seeing the pain he's "caused" for you. It's hard to let go. You have a lot of love to give and you have given a lot to him. Try not to take it personally. If it helps to think about it like "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" please do. He's very ill and displaying common symptoms.

Have you gotten any therapy for yourself? Many supporters do simply because their role is so torturous. I can't imagine how hard it is.
Please take care of yourself and take joy in your life.

 

[seedling]

he feels good with them

Or, he acts like he feels good. It's hard to say if he ever really feels "good".

 

[MandyLou]

@seedling , I appreciate your response. This is just my attempt to understand someone I care about. I can't know how he feels, but at least I can learn for my own peace of mind and my own sanity. I am not a type of person who just wants to drop it, dismiss it and let it go. If I was like that I wouldn't ever genuinely connect or love anybody. Love always seeks to understand because it always grows to see beyond the self. I want to understand because it will help me to forgive and have peace and maybe work through things. I do see a counselor. In fact I saw him 2 days ago and it was a very valuable time for me. If I ignore and just walk away, I can never heal or accept anything. The counselor has only helped to further establish that I am going through this in a healthy way. My communication in here has had the focus to understand and connect the pieces together and maybe gain some clarity of things that I didn't see in the past.

 

[seedling]

So glad your counseling is positive about this. I might have missed that from an earlier post.
It's a difficult relationship. I understand not wanting to drop it, I can be the same way - I like to understand. I can't let go until I come to some place of peace about it.

I hope you come to that point of peace for yourself. And when you do let go (I say that because it seems that you are working toward that), you will know it's the right time.

 

[Debfish]

@lostforgottensoul ,

thanks for your feedback. Let me ask you this - when you init...

I have been dealing with this for years. I starting to believe it's something that I'll die with or because of. I've just had stuff come up again that I thought I'd dealt with years ago.

 

[Sighs]

Our f*cked up-ness doesn't take away our NEED for close human contact.

On my vet's dark days he will say he can't be in a relationship - its not me, its him and he just can't deal with it. Once - I was having a bad day too - I asked him what the hell he was doing on a dating site if he can't cope with a relationship. He looked so so sad. And said "I hoped I could. I was so lonely and I thought a relationship would help me feel better." All my anger melted away to compassion.