Triggered By By Husband's Fibromyalgia

[Tammee]

I've been with my husband for 5 years, and he has allowed me to feel safe and unconditionally loved for the first time in my life. As a result I've been able to do a lot of work on myself and had gotten to a really amazing place. But then he started getting sick, and has been diagnosed with firbomyalgia. This illness, like mine, is devastating and unpredictable. And it can take my loving supportive partner away from me, and turn him into someone I don't know. And this triggers the hell out of me. Sometimes I react to the stress of caring for him, and our home and family, and sometimes I react to the change in his mood. He often becomes depressed, frustrated and angry with himself, and although he has absolutely never directed that negativity at me, seeing it, is like living with an alcoholic again. Putting both if us through these emotional flashbacks is exhausting and destructive, and I fear we are damaging our connection faster than we can find ways to help ourselves.

How can I keep myself from reacting to him? Is there any hope?

 

[Justmehere]

He sounds like he has been a great husband before this. I'm so sorry for what you are both going through.

There is lots of reasons for hope. This might be a good time for you two to find something fun you can enjoy together, even when he has lots of symptoms. It might also help you to endure the stress for you to build up supportive friendships and hobbies that can give you a break from caring for him and help you feel more resourced when the storms come.

Is he getting counseling? Have you considered couples counseling?

 

[arfie]

Hope is a choice, Tammee. There is always hope when we choose to accept reality and work with it lovingly. When we choose to keep going in the face of diversity.

I have been on both sides of the support coin and have found it much harder to witness a loved one's pain than to suffer pain myself. The same tools seem to work on both sides of the coin. The tools which helped me heal help when I ply them to offering support. Using those tools in offering support seems to strengthen them immeasurably.

Welcome to the forum, Tammee. Just sharing about the troubles as I go is an important tool for me. Hope it is for you, as well. May you find fortification here.

 

[Tammee]

@arfie
Thank you so much.
What kinds of tools are you using?

@Justmehere

We are trying to make a point to do fun things together when we are able, but somehow that time always gets pushed to the bottom of the list. But we keep trying.

He is not in counselling but we have discussed couples counselling. I think we'll be headed there soon.

 

[arfie]

This site would be one of my tools, though I try not to let it take the place of live support. Internet support is helpful, but it tends to be more chaotic and depersonalized. I start my day with two daily readers from Alanon which help me get my mind going in constructive, compassionate directions. I try to make at least one live support group meeting a week. That is my core maintenance, but the on-going stresses, exceptions and changes use a tool box that too tedious to list here. They make more sense if I pick them up as needed. With the maintenance program in place, the incidentals are usually within easy reach.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have been where you are. You are looking at a long term disease that will change the nature of your relationship.

My husband got sick and then was diagnosed with severe dementia and it was three years of pure hell, triggering me so badly.

Before he was my supporter and we had to change roles. He died almost a year ago with severe dementia.

I can really empathize with the changes you are going through. I think couples counseling is a wonderful idea.

Keep on writing your feelings out here on the forum and get all of the support you can.

Recently my daughter was diagnosed with Fibromyalga. It is so hard to see her in so much pain. I feel so powerless and helpless.
she is going for the help she needs and she hopes to be put on medication that will help her.

My heart goes out to you.

Becoming the responsible adult and full time care giver was the hardest thing I have ever done.

It sounds like your husband really loves you and you are going to have to take it a day at a time, mabe even minutes at a time.

Please take really good care of yourself and get as much support and me time that you can.

I had to take care of my husband alone and I had no great support. As a result by the time he died, I was so burnt out and exhausted and I am still not where I want to be.

Please research Fibromyalga and get as much help as you can.

My heart goes out to you. Hugs.