Triumph Over Adversity.

[Philippa]

I did acknowledge this the other day just in my private journals, but I thought I would make it known here as well, that I'm feeling pretty proud of myself lately, as I realize just how far I've come with my goal of transforming old dynamics of emotional abuse, which I allowed, due to timidity. There have been so many moments in my life in the last 15 years where I have used situations to practise becoming better at standing up for myself, the most recent is when I stood up to my father and told him that I didn't buy into his version of reality and that my being open and honest with him was NOT what was destroying our so-called "relationship"...but that lies and deception are what cause that sort of destruction within a relationship...and did not even accuse him directly, just said that lies are what destroy relationships.

I feel like I have really improved in this area and grown so confident. I hardly ever slip backwards into old ways these days, and the triumphant moments far outweigh the flops...which is such an awesome feeling, when I really let myself feel it.

Just wanted to share, and I hope all of you who read this are or come to the same point in your lives, because it is such an elating feeling. I am really grateful to the determined aspect of myself which persisted in this transformation. I never gave up and it has really yielded a lot of self-respect and retained my integrity, which, to me, is priceless and the most wonderful treasure I could ever hope to posess.

 

[Abrasky]

It's sounds like good feeling when you stand up to a parent:)

 

[Philippa]

It can be irksome at the time, and leading up to it...but later, when you let yourself really feel it, there's this amazing feeling of true pride and excitement. I was honest and spoke my truth to him...he didn't like it...too bad!

There has been a lot of guilt and bad feelings come up as well, which I have been battling. Conditioned beliefs like "he's your father, you must obey him" etc. can be very hard to overcome, but ultimately I know I did what was right for me...and that's the most important thing for me.

 

[Heather]

Yea! So glad you have found your voice to stand up to your dad:). You and I have A LOT in common in regards to this issue. So happy for you Philippa!

Big Hugs for all your progress.

Heather

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Heather,

I woke up feeling so good this morning. I think my brother actually really heard me when we had it out the other night (see diary for details) It had to do with this whole issue of me not contacting my parents for the last few months. I'm not sure how I am gonna handle the birthday sitch, as it's dad's birthday in a couple of days. Having never cut anyone off before, I'm unsure what happens with the birthdays? Do I just not call...that seems so cold, and I think he's gotten the point...I don't know? It's hard. He's not a bad person, he's just really f*cked up and bad for me and doesn't know it.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Having never cut anyone off before, I'm unsure what happens with the birthdays? Do I just not call...that seems so cold, and I think he's gotten the point...I don't know?

My husband and I have been through the cutting off process with one of his parents. He took it one step at a time and called on Fathers' Day and his birthday. It wasn't good so he stopped doing that. He started sending cards in the mail and eventually stopped doing that too.

It doesn't have to be a black & white thing, I don't think. You can define how much you want to cut off your parent(s). Many factors need to be considered. If I were you, I would probably call or send a card for his birthday and if he seems more upset than pleased by it, or it turns out to be emotionally dangerous for you, don't do it again next year. Remove one level of contact at a time and constantly reassess.

 

[Philippa]

Wow, thankyou so much for saying this. I wasn't sure about how to go about it, but you're right, it doesn't have to be a black and white thing.

What I most want is for him to come to the understanding that I am not willing to put up with his lies and betrayals of trust anymore, and that the relationship does not exist because it cannot without trust, which HE broke. I don't know if he ever will get that, but I'm sure on some level he knows it's him.

Anyway, that has been immensely helpful to me right now.

I think I will send him an E-card...and maybe call?

Does anyone know how to go about doing this? I've never sent an E-card before.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

You can Google "e-card" and you will get tons of results. But I prefer to go to Google Images and find a funny or related picture and just attach it to a message that says "Happy Birthday" and maybe a joke or something nice.

 

[Philippa]

Right, Google...I should have known.:rolleyes:

Thanks again.

 

[Philippa]

I've spent the last hour or so repeating the mantra "I am innocent of anything he tries to pin on me"...and it's REALLY helped me to feel much stronger and more secure in the knowledge that I actually am not to blame and don't need to feel guilty for anything. I completely believe that I am innocent of anything he tries, (or any of them really) to pin on me...and that I deserve MUCH better from all of them.

As a friend asked me the other day..."Please accept nothing but the respect you deserve from them"...and that's exactly what I intend to do. He gave me the strength to pick myself up, as the inner battle was raging at that point.

I sent my father an e-card at midnight saying "Just because I don't want to talk to you doesn't mean I can't acknowledge your birthday...ya old fart." Tried to add some humor into it. Then all this remorse started welling up inside and I tapped for about 20 minutes to release it all, as well as saying the mantra...so I feel really good right now and peaceful and pretty much free from remorse and guilt, though I can sorta sense there is a bit more to release...but for now I'm content with the results of my intensive labour.;)

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Way to go! I'm very happy you were able to do what you did and then find balance! :)

 

[Philippa]

Thankyou. It's amazing how well the right mantra can work in these situations. Whatever he throws at me I feel confident I can let it slide off a ducks back (well, right now anyway).

It's all his stuff, so it has nothing to do with me. I feel like he has dismissed me anyway...which kinda stings, but then, I'm doing the same to him, so I really can't complain. He has his narcisisstic supply, via my brother who lives in the same town, and I've made it clear that he needs to find a healthier way to get his needs met, so, of course he's upset and resents me...I've just cut him off his energy supply.