Trusting Your Intuition

[Kubash16]

So I’ve recently started a few things to help speed along my recovery. Since I have massive issues with touch, one of those is massage. I usually have this mindset of if I don’t like or am afraid of something I fully immerse myself in it to get over it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn’t.

My thinking was I’ll get over my issues with touch if I dive into a naked, vulnerable position and let a stranger out there hands all over me for an hour or so. ?‍ Not my smartest idea.

I’ve gone twice and while nothing bad happened, I just cannot relax. I just can’t breathe through it, I’m tense as f*ck. I’m dreading going again, so I emailed T about it. He thinks I wasn’t ready and wants me to back out of it for now and just focus on yoga since I really like that.

But isn’t that just hiding away from my problems? Should I just try a different massage therapist or seriously back out for now and come back to it later when I’m further along? I feel weak if I back out. But I am seriously dreading going again.

 

[Teamwork]

Trusting yourself means honouring that you are not ready and offering yourself acceptance that, for now, this is not the best plan. You could try a different type of massage that leads up to the one you are currently in, but you would need a trusted source willing to gradually move through it with you. Because I too could never do a massage and if I were to try to overcome it, I would envision fully clothed, sitting, just letting someone use a hand held massager on the shoulder area, then maybe they the next time could do a hand massage on the same area, same set up. It is counterproductive to be tense when trying to get a massage. This particular area you are working through may best be done with something less intrusive. Could you willing offer your hands to someone and just sit with hands being held and not pull away? Could you do a hug? Hiding is when you dont go there at all and don’t even try to work with the situation on a base level. This one needs you to take a base level approach and explore touch with a trusted individual. You gave yourself a double whammy to work with in that you have a stranger working on an issue with a very vulnerable set up, going full tilt and not listening to the bodies reaction. Part of healing is being able to listen to ourselves and honouring the level of discomfort and willingness to adjust until we are fully comfortable. I do know that some things tolerate a full immersion face it method, but the body tends to have many layers of self protective mode in action. To truly listen, it takes work to slow down and listen to what the different layers are saying so that you have the opportunity to explore it. After all, in a safe world, where the body was treated well, the body is seen as a beautiful thing, and exploration by touch as a magical wonderful, relaxing or invigorating ideal. This tends to not be the case in trauma, abuse or people who have had positive loving touch withheld from them as youngsters. What do you think about my view? I have very negative thoughts about the body being touched even by myself, so I come from the no way is anyone touching me perspective, but I get my self protective covering, having explored it enough to know what I will and won’t tolerate and sometimes, why i won’t.

 

[Kubash16]

That makes a lot of sense. Funny you bring up the hand holding thing. Someone holding my hands makes me incredibly uncomfortable. Like absolutely hate it for some reason.

Hugs are iffy. If I know the person really well I can tolerate it. Otherwise I pull away as quick as humanly possible.

 

[Neverthesame]

But isn’t that just hiding away from my problems?

I don't think so. You've already proven you can push yourself there. You're clearly not unwilling to push your limits.

Should I just try a different massage therapist or seriously back out for now and come back to it later when I’m further along?

I'd suggest the latter.

Imagine tackling a fear of heights. You've just gone up to the top of the tall building and looked down. You know now exactly how afraid that makes you, that's useful information.
Now that you know what your facing, you can work out how to get back there without feeling so overwhelmed.

Saying "Nope!" Then never stepping foot anywhere above sea level ever again? That would be running from your problems.

Saying "Not yet" Then working your way back up there one foot at a time? Is progress.

 

[Kubash16]

Thank you. That makes sense. How do people work there way there though? I mean I guess I can start with the hugging/hand holding stuff. Not sure who with yet, but I will figure it out. But then where do I go from there?

 

[knuckles]

I have tried more than once to push through where I wasn't comfortable - like physiotherapy for muscle tension. It was counterproductive every single time. It just took me a while to figure that out.

I am sure there are ways to break that "journey" down into more manageable steps, that will help build confidence and let you stay in touch with your body and intuition. Don't know how though. There will probably be some good suggestions from others here. And maybe your T can help you think about possible options as well.

I would also suggest to look up other types of body therapies. For me, I have an idea that craniosacral therapy might be somewhere safe to start - when the time is right. I know of someone who does Biodynamics (a form of CST), and from what I have read it seems like it is really gentle and sensitive - focusing on listening to the body.
I am sure there are many other ways to introduce your body to being touched. And I am sure that, when the time is right, there will be a way for you to experience this while maintaining your bodily integrity and sanity.

 

[Friday]

My thinking was I’ll get over my issues with touch if I dive into a naked, vulnerable position and let a stranger out there hands all over me for an hour or so.

So... you know you can get a fully clothed 5 minute hand or foot massage in a room full of friends also getting a 5 min massage? Or ditto, fully clothed 5 or 15 min neck massage in an airport or skyscraper or shopping mall (no one you know, if having people around who know you bothers you).

No need to throw the baby in the deep end to see if she can swim.

Dial it waaaaaay back. No need to be 1:1, or nekkid, or with a stranger, or have it last an hour. Baby steps.

 

[Kubash16]

Baby steps have never been a thing for me. So I’m learning them. I did altogether cancel the massage (this particular place only offers standard 60 or 90 full body stuff from what I can tell, I didn’t ask though). I think part of my problem is the massage therapist. She’s extremely motherly. Which is a major personal problem for me (my mom was involved in the CSA with her boyfriend). My nightmares increased dramatically and I ended up in another SA the other night. It’s just too much for me right now. So I’m going to focus on yoga and when I’m calm/okay again I’ll look into those smaller ones.

 

[LuckiLee]

Can you try hand massage? No need to get naked for that. Or manicure / pedicure? Proud of you for trying!!

 

[Kubash16]

I can do pedicures no problem for some reason lol. Those don’t bug me at all.

 

[blackemerald1]

How do you go at the hair-dresser? I agree with everyone here... too much too soon. But that doesn't mean forever...

I'm glad you cancelled that full body massage appointment... I'd be going for bits and pieces - facials, pedicures, manicures.

They are all supposed to be pleasurable... don't forget that!

 

[EveHarrington]

I dont understand why instead of working on touch with safe people you know, you’re opting for a strangers hands all over your body.

By my way of thinking, this could majorly backfire.

Plus........you’re not actually working on touch within a relationship, which I’m guessing is the bigger problem?

I mean I can zone the f*ck out of stranger touch ie doctors and such, but it does nothing for safe relationship touch.