Trying (and Failing) To Have A Healthy Sex Life

[Lisa]

Therapist wants to talk about my sexual difficulties next time, in order to help me try to move forwards on the sexual difficulties I have. The idea of talking about it is totally freaking me out.

Because sex is only associated with child abuse, I really struggle with it. If I don't have direct flashbacks, I have a strange experience of feeling like mentally I am either not there, or trying not to really be there and involved in it. Sometimes it goes better than other times, but then it's like it goes dark and I get images floating over my eyes and I can't quite make them out, as if it's at close range. But they appear quick yet long enough to throw me off and freak me out. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's images or if it's just where my focal point of my eye-sight narrows in so much that I don't know what I'm looking at anymore? I don't really understand what it is I'm seeing, if it's in my mind or actually what I'm seeing. I'm still genuinely not sure. I don't think I lose touch with reality, I just... don't really know what it is that happens at that point. Does that sound a bit mad?

I freak out at little things, anything that makes me feel like I might be about to be forced. Even though I know my partner would NEVER do that. Sometimes suddenly just feel small and like I just don't really want to be doing this. And then there's the fact that whenever it comes into my head in any way that sex was once used to abuse me as a child, I can't continue. It's like I have to try to block that knowledge out, that this is or was any part of my life, so that I'm not aware of it. Otherwise I can never do it. Because then I feel disgusting, and like I cannot continue with that in my head. That would feel like either I am being abused again, or I am actually about to become a pervert myself.

It scares me.

Anyone relate?

 

[cherryblossom]

Firstly, let me say that I'm single, and have been for many years. Partly because of my fears of intimacy and sex. So please feel free to take or leave my advice :p

There are some great books out there (check out Amazon), about re-learning how to be intimate and have sex following sexual abuse. I think that is the key : re-learning. It sounds like you have a supportive partner, so hopefully your partner will have the patience with you to take things really slowly. You need to feel complete trust in your relationship, and also explore what triggers you. And slowly expose yourself to those triggers, in the hope that you can move onward each time. I'm sure it's a very slow process, starting with just simple touch, then working up to touching in more intimate areas, (maybe some self exploration too), before you move onto penetration etc.

There's another thread here too, which you might find useful . .
[DLMURL]http://sexabuse.ptsdforum.org/threads/moving-forward-with-sexual-difficulties.202/[/DLMURL]

 

[anndeb]

Sure can relate.. sexuality with anyone I care about scares the living daylights out of me.. and since I don't care for casual sex that means my only expression is with myself or a long time now.. Sometimes I wish I had a loving, patient partner to practice with and other times I am just content to work on the emotional and mental side of things and let the physical go for now.

 

[Kay C]

Boy, can I ever relate. My poor husband is going nuts because we haven't had sex for months. I just can't bring myself to initiate, given that A) I have zero desire, B) the thought of someone breathing in my ear or expressing desire for me makes me insanely anxious, and C) when I do get aroused, it causes severe pain, like my cervix is spasming. I could probably tolerate sex without intimacy--no eye contact, kissing etc.--but anything approaching tenderness and I just want to run screaming, the whole thing feels so WRONG.

I just got a book on sexual healing, The Survivor's Guide to Sex by Staci Haines, but I can only tolerate it in very small doses or I get anxious and start to shut down. If I do manage to get through it, I'll let you know if it's good ;)

 

[leanne1321]

I think you'll find pretty much, if not all of us on here have had issues with sex.

I've been with my husband since I was 17 (10 years) and I trust him completely, but I can never completely relax and let go either. Sometimes, (and I haven't discovered the trigger yet) I can panic or dissociate.

Now I'm in therapy and the triggers are very sensitive, I haven't been intimate for months, but my T has talked about how we will deal with it. As CB mentioned, a lot is exposure. Practice getting used to his touch in less sensitive areas and practice grounding if you need. Then, work your way up to the more sensitive and triggering areas slowly. Try telling yourself that you are safe, that your with someone who loves and respects you and he'll never hurt you.

I hope this helps, I know how frustrating it can be!

 

[Lisa]

Hi everyone

I think I found posting this hard as I have avoided coming back to see what people wrote since! Just got around to it now.

Cherryblossom, thank you. I will take your advice of course! I was single for my entire adult life until recently, so I understand that very well. I have been reading through the link you sent me :)

annadeb, thank you for sharing about your difficulties too. It helps to know that it is not just me, although it's fills me with an incredible sadness too. I struggle to even 'spend time alone with myself'. And when I do, I feel absolutely disgusting. I know that's wrong, but I don't know how to change that feeling at the time and afterwards.

KayC, thanks too. I understand those diffiulties too! My partner and I were getting somewhere, but then I was encouraged to go to a doctor to check out that my pains that I get are not medical just to be sure, which meant some very distressing examinations. Ever since - the last 6 months - I have no desire whatsoever. I just don't want ANYONE near me. I'm beginning to link the examination, and the discussions around sexual issues with my therapist, to this. I'm a little annoyed at myself for it. Just as I was getting somewhere, albeit slowly and with many many issues... it's like it's all been completely undone.

I think I may order that book you have... when I feel brave enough. In the mean time do let me know if it's any good!

Leanne1321...I can never completely relax and 'let go' either! Thanks, I will try your suggestions! I really appreciate that these things can be talked about here, and it's a relief to be able to have some understanding and support from others who unfortunately know themselves what it is like.

 

[anndeb]

I am happy to report some progress on this front.. I actually managed to have some pleasant and pleasurable contact with my partner recently. We started out with the gentle, non-sexual touching as was reccommended here and by others in my women's group.. Over time this grew into more afftection and a slow 'thawing' of my tension and fears. I am surprised and happy to find I can actually have a sexual feeling in his presence without freezing up. :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I have given up on having a relationship. I was married 4 times, and have now been single for 17 years, and plan to stay that way.

I grew up in a non-touch home, except for the 'bad' touch of my brother. When I was younger, I had some 'successfull' experiences, but could never manage that unless drunk or high. All I ever felt was shame. Guilt. It just isn't worth what it does to my safety zone.

I believe that love can overcome many things, but not the damage caused to the child that I was.

 

[Nyx]

Angelkeeper, do you try to work out what happened? Do you go to therapy?

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Yes, I do go to therapy. We have discussed my csa, and adult negative experiences as well, and I just don't see any point in investigating since I don't plan on a relationship. My T says I'm wrong, that not ALL men really want everything to be about sex. Never satisfied.

I just know in my experience that once I become intimate with a man, all my walls and fears, and feelings of disgust come up. It's just too risky for my mental health to try to have a relationship. I'm 54 and have SOOO much emotion baggage, that I couldn't expect any man to take on. I have to say that sometimes I long to be held....just held.

My father is a retired minister, and it is ingrained in me that sex is wrong. I married too soon each time, cuz of the guilt about sex. I hate that part of my body with a passion!

But, I am happy, lol, in spite of the tears of depression today. It's better to be alone and unhappy than to be married and unhappy!

 

[Nyx]

The reason I was asking is because whatever your baggage is, with therapy you can solve it, one step at a time. Just saying 'it's no use' will surely not solve the problem. And from what I get, you're also not the type that functions well alone, even though you try to deny it.

Either way, I'm not trying to convince you of anything, you live your life as best suits you. I'm just observing the attitude :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

LOL...sounds like you 'read' me very well. I do deny that part of my life, out of fear, and having dreams 'killed'. It may be a form of self-harm? Withholding affection...from myself. I am working on the part of me that feels I do not deserve to be happy. Living with and caring for my parents as they age makes it easier to avoid the 'woman' side of me. I do not self-pleasure...causes guilt and disgust. Also, last year, with blood testing, I found out that I have genital herpes. Haven't had an outbreak that I'm aware of though. Makes me feel even dirtier.

In all truth, I do still have feelings for my childrens' father, even after being divorced 28 years ago. Hadn't really thought about him in those terms till I discovered he's getting a divorce. But, I will be careful not to approach him, as I could just be reminiscing, and seeing the past through rose-colored glasses.

I try not to 'go there' cuz I don't know if I'd be any better of a wife this many years later. I think he'd be the only man I could trust to really love me for all of who I've been. He really did love me. I really did love him. We were young and grieving for so many years about our severely brain damaged daughter, that we divorced and each married others. I've seen what kind of man he has become, and watched him have a good relationship with our son, and have a respect for him that I've never had for any man except my father.

Whew, didn't mean to go on and on. I think, if I ever did meet someone that I did want a relationship with, that I would be open to working in therapy on my touch issues. And, who knows, it might feel right with the right person?

Thanks for making me think!:thinking: