Trying to heal sexual trauma while my relationship is falling apart

[rattiestbird]

Hi everyone.

I (27F) have C-PTSD from an abusive, neglected childhood and, more recently, I'm also dealing with memories of what I now recognize as child sexual abuse. My partner (27M) and I have been together for 10 years. We love each other deeply, but our sex life has been the hardest part of the relationship and it’s now the thing that might end us.

It's been tense for a while.
- The first 4 years (same city): good connection, fairly active sex life.
- The next 5 (long distance): 2–6 days together per month, sex maybe every second or third visit (roughly 15 times a year). This started out okay, but about a year after moving apart I fell into a heavy depression (coincided with COVID+recent death of my brother; another brother died two years ago but I haven't spiralled in the same way this time), and the following years were super rough.
- The past year (living together): sex 5–7 times a month, usually grouped over one or two weekends.
- He would be happy with sex every day; my current libido is more like once a week on average, and it fluctuates a lot.

A year ago, just before we moved in together, we talked about our sex life. He asked if I’d ever felt pressured, and I admitted that sometimes I went along with sex out of guilt because he’d get irritable or down if we hadn’t been intimate in a long time. He was devastated, felt like that meant he’d coerced me. We’ve worked through that and both understand it differently now, but since then intimacy has been tense. He leaves initiation to me alone because he’s afraid of overstepping, and I struggle to initiate because it feels awkward and I don’t often want sex. He's made it clear that feeling like I want to have sex with him and want him is a requirement of our relationship, that he feels unwanted and unloved, and the last year has been my opportunity to work on myself and my libido and get our sex life somewhere good. It's better than it was, I guess, but it's still not great, and he is tired of waiting.

I’ve recently accepted that I was sexually abused as a child (non-contact exposure, possibly more that I can’t remember clearly). It’s made me understand my low libido and avoidance differently, that it might not be about "libido" at all, but about trauma responses.

If I'm honest I have never had sex because it feels good to me. I’ve always liked closeness (cuddling, kissing, making him feel good) but I’ve never been sexually stimulated by it. I didn’t orgasm until I was 23, after buying a vibrator. I can orgasm easily on my own now (with or without toys), but not during sex. I’ve never reached orgasm with him without using a vibrator, and even then it feels awkward and hard to focus on myself. He’s tried giving me oral a few times, but I always stop him after a couple of minutes. We’ve used my vibrator together maybe a dozen times, but I still feel self-conscious and "wrong" doing that, and can only fathom it while we're also doing something else like me going down on him. For a long time I thought I just had a naturally low libido, but now that I can enjoy masturbation and feel desire on my own, I’m realizing it’s probably more about the emotional/trauma context of partnered sex than about physical arousal.

I’m starting EMDR and reading The Sexual Healing Journey by Wendy Maltz. It suggests taking a "sex vacation": removing sexual activity for a period of time to rebuild safety and trust with yourself. When I brought this up to my partner, he was understandably upset. He’s been patient through my depression, medication changes, and trauma processing for years, and I think he’s at the end of his rope. He says he wants to save the relationship, but we’ve already had several breakup conversations in the last month and he’s been looking at other places to live.

I don’t want to hurt him further. He’s a kind, loving person and my best friend. But I know that if we keep trying to have sex when I’m not really present, it’s painful for both of us.
If I take sex off the table, I might finally be able to heal, but it seems like it could also end the relationship for good. I don't think I have a choice in it right now -- I feel increasingly uncomfortable and unpleasant thinking about sex and even if it kills us I think I have to not.

For anyone who’s been through PTSD-related sexual difficulties or has taken a sex vacation:

- How did you communicate it with your partner? He doesn't understand how "not having sex can make us have more sex", even when I try to explain it to him.
- How did you manage the feelings of guilt and fear of losing them?
- If you were the partner, what helped you feel connected while intimacy was paused? I would be ok still hugging and kissing I think. I just feel this nausea, this pressure, knowing he wants sex and we're not having it as often as we should be.
- How do you know when to keep trying vs when to let go?

Any experiences or thoughts would be really appreciated. I feel like I’m trying to heal and grieve at the same time, and I don’t know which direction is kinder to either of us.

i want to be someone who enjoys sex. Reading this book I see other stories of people who thought they just didn't like or didn't care about sex, but then they worked through it all and now they enjoy it and get to experience it as something great.

 

[Sideways]

Mod Note:
@rattiestbird - I’ve removed your trigger warning. We don’t use them here. Every thread contains potential triggers. You can read more about that in the Community Constitution.

With that out of the way - wow! You’ve worked through a tonne of stuff in a short period of time given what you’ve been through. Have you explored the option of a sex therapist or couples therapist?

 

[rattiestbird]

Thank you Sideways, apologies, I have seen a few different communities and find it hard to keep track of where needs TW.

I have mentioned wanting couples and/or sex therapy to him but it has always been a firm no.

He feels like our issues are pretty clear, and not an issue of communication that a therapist could help us through -- I know what he needs, he's been clear on ways I can make him feel wanted, though I struggle to keep on top of those (outside of sex, stuff like shaving and dressing nicer on dates, being more considerate of him around the house re: chores/interest in his hobbies) to indicate I'm interested and want him to want me -- on difficult days I find it hard to shower/brush my teeth, so even though I know what he needs it's hard to integrate into my routine, particularly as I've always been a tomboy (though I dress up/do makeup sometimes and shave inconsistently).

He feels like a therapist would just gang up on him, but I feel like it's the opposite. I lash out when we argue, I get distracted and cut him off when he's talking about stuff he's interested in, I'm generally self-centered and will make plans to do whatever without thinking about "us" or if he might prefer something else. I spent most of my childhood looking after myself and being by myself and I know that I'm headstrong and abrasive and independent to the point of pushing people away. I think any therapist would point out that he puts up with a lot of my shit and needs to put himself first. He doesn't feel we have a communication issue, but an action/behavioural one, that I need to just Do Things Better. It may be compounded because he's tried solo therapy before for potential depression and didn't care for it at all or find it helpful.

There's also some resistance to needing couples therapy in the first place; he'd rather be single than in a relationship that is "damaged enough" it needs that, and has said a few times that things "shouldn't be this hard". I don't disagree, I guess, but I think the history I have things will realistically always be hard for me when it comes to connecting with other people and building relationships. I struggle with feeling like I always say the wrong thing and make things worse (not just with him, in general). I've been trying to work through my issues with my own therapist instead.

 

[Movingforward10]

I don't know if you need a 'sex vacation' to work through sexual issues. I think you can work through them whilst having sex. I didn't take a 'sex vacation'. But then also, I had to learn to say 'no' to sex. I had this thing of 'i need to have sex' whether or not I desired it. Maybe having a 'sex vacation' might have helped....!

It sounds like couples/sex therapy is a firm no. But I wonder about how you both hold couples therapy. My understanding of it is that it's about learning about each other. Whilst he has been clear what he needs, he is struggling with where you are at. So it's about working out how you meet in the middle, or if you can't, or where compromise turns into sacrifice.

It is hard on the other person. I think, over time, they can't help but take it personally because it is such a personal thing even though the problem isn't about them.

I Don't really have any words of advice or any helpful answers to your questions. Just to share that you're not alone with these things.

 

[Rose White]

I been wanting to respond but don’t have the words of late. Also want to be encouraging but my experience is not all positive and I don’t want to bring you down. I read that book. Also took a sex vacation. I had no choice, my body flat out refused once I realized what had happened when I was very young. I wish I could say my marriage survived my healing from sexual abuse but it didn’t. But also maybe that’s because I didn’t/couldn’t want to be married to him anymore once I gained a sense of being able to say “no”. Not his fault, he didn’t change, I did.

Been very hard this recovery. Is ongoing. Hard to have a relationship in general because of my own fears about getting too close. When sexual abuse happens in young childhood it can feel like normal attraction and affection are simultaneously (and confusingly) too much and not enough. I have learned to try to sit with myself and my feelings until they pass—that process is still damn uncomfortable. The people I tend to be able to relate most closely to have some element of not caring for or about me. And somehow, I find I need that in order to sustain interest. It’s more than “hard to get”, rather a fundamental disconnect that I need in order to experience intimacy. Hard to explain and it’s something I’m currently working on in therapy.

 

[Andrea292025]

Hi,

I have never posted here before but stumbled on your post looking through this website.

I just wanted to say that to me, it seems like a red flag that your partner isn't willing to do any type of therapy to help with communication and processing your trauma and how it affects the relationship and aspects of sex.

It also sounds like you are wanting to take a break and the more you talk about what you want (a break from sex), the more your partner is pressuring you into feeling like you have to do it (have sex). And it's actually coming across to me as coercion. And from an outside perspective, it's starting to sound abusive itself to me. (Even if you are talking over him/cutting him off/pushing him away/doing the things you mentioned that are also in the wrong. Sexual coercion is on a different level.)

And like maybe he is afraid that a therapist will recognize that it's abusive and that's part of why he doesn't want to see one (admit this is an assumption of his thoughts on my part.)

I do understand that sex is an important part of relationships. However, in my opinion, every couple will have a time period where they will experience things that "interfere" with this part of a relationship and might require a break due to one person and later on, there may be a reason why the other person in the relationship needs a break (examples: raising young children, mental health problems, physical illness, stressful period of life causing fatigue, etc.) And to me, the healthy romantic relationships would be the ones where the other partner can be understanding of this even if it does cause a need for counseling or bring up difficult emotions for them.

I am not saying it would be abusive for them or you to break up since you started that they said they would not be able to have a relationship with a sex break and you stated that you don't think you can handle not taking a sex break (which, to me, sounds completely understandable due to the trauma and the treatment you described & how it has been beneficial for other people in similar situations to take a break)

I just wanted to make a post because my concern is that your reasonable request about sex is not being listened to or respected. And pressuring someone to have sex when they don't want to is coercion which is considered to be sexual abuse. And I did not see another comment mentioning that.

If you are both taking a break right now and planning to break up because it won't work out, I'm sorry for assuming.

(Also, I am not referring to the first comment about when he felt that he had coerced you, but you said he hadn't. I am referring to how he said a relationship shouldn't need therapy because that means it's damaged which is untrue, is unwilling to try any type of therapy with you, "doesn't understand how the sex break could actually help improve the bedroom [by giving you time to work through things, heal, & slow down/try smaller things until you feel safer]," & that "you just need to do things better and there are no communication issues."

I am also speaking of the part where it says (summarized):

"I don’t often want sex."

"He's made it clear that feeling like I want to have sex with him and want him is a requirement of our relationship"

"And the last year has been my opportunity to work on myself and my libido and get our sex life somewhere good...he is tired of waiting."

I am not sure if he or you is the one that said the sentence about "the last year has been my opportunity" sentence. But, I do know that solely one person in the relationship cannot "get our sex life somewhere good." Because sex requires vulnerability and communication between both of the people who will be involved which requires emotional and verbal communication and discussion of both of them. (likes, dislikes, limits, what they consent to - which they are allowed to change their mind about at any time in a truly healthy sexual relationship, what is a limit, etc.) And I also know that pressuring or rushing someone into doing what a partner wants is not consensual.

I do not mean this as a criticism, but it sounds like your partner needs to learn that pressuring someone is abusive (which from the posts, it sounds like they were not doing until after you did bring up a boundary of yours) and you may need practice with a therapist about recognizing what your limits are and how to set those boundaries without feeling guilty or basing it on how someone else will feel if you say "No." I don't know if you've heard about this concept/quote, but there's a reason why they changed the advice quote from "Sex should be consensual" to "Sex should be consensual and an enthusiastic yes." (Meaning both people are wanting to do it and not pressuring themself to do it because of how the other person would feel if they said no or they feel like they have to for some reason or they actually aren't that open to it right now, but felt like they had to say "Yes.")

I know that there also is a quote where sometimes a person is not in the mood, but once their partner initiates (verbally, flirting, etc.), they can become in the mood. And so both people are consenting. So, I just wanted to clarify that I am not talking about those situations, but it doesn't sound to me like that is what's happening.

I just felt a need to say this when I read your post and to defend you to yourself basically (from an outside perspective). And I mean that in a supportive way and do hope that is how the tone of my comment comes across :)