Uncomfortable With Others Pouring It Out.

[Bill Dickerson]

Maybe it's because I'm a guy and it's the Mars vs. Venus thing but I am uncomfortable with folks who share TMI on the forum.

I guess it works for them but I like OK not like but the forum format works for me if I work on symptoms. I have told about situations that have scarred me if asked about them, make a point or to share a similar experience.

I'm uncomfortable with other forum members sharing information like an explosion in my direction. I don't feel like I have to know every detail to be able to understand their pain or sympathize.

Is it a boundary issue or a wish not to experience their pain along with mine? I don't need to know every detail to understand their pain.

I'm I insensitive? Probably Jaded for sure.

Is anyone else uncomfortable with some of the posts?

 

[Nicolette]

I think it depends on what it is Bill. Anthony and I are chalk and cheese - I'm an open book and will share but that helps me and is not so much about anyone else. I guess it comes from not being believed and having to prove a lot. I don't know but it does help me when I get it all out. I don't mean to burden anyone with it and have never analyzed too much detail being TMI due to being comfortable with what I am saying.

To get to know something personal about Anthony, let alone the details, it is, for the better part, like extracting teeth. He will be succinct and direct.

I personally don't find I'm uncomfortable with 'people' as I find the topics more determine whether I am interested in knowing more or not. What it TMI for me on one subject may not be on another. I find I learn more about people this way as I find I tend to skim subjects rather than people.

I just saw a thread in the Anonymous section about fetishes and I couldn't read it... just the topic makes me cringe and I really don't want to know. Others are fine with all the openness and discussion.

As to

Is anyone else uncomfortable with some of the posts

Sometimes, yes.

Is it a boundary issue or a wish not to experience their pain along with mine?

I guess, based on what you are saying, it is a boundary for you. Have you examined this further as to whether it is the detail that bothers you or the possibility it will add weight to your pain?

I wonder if it is more personality as I know some members who will listen to someone and all they have to say and be totally empathic yet share little of themselves with no adverse reaction. I guess I'm trying to say I think it's more of an individual personality based reaction which you may now like to have as a boundary to protect/not burden/waste your time on all the detail??? I don't know you so I can't say. These are just my thoughts.

 

[Philippa]

I feel the same way. I am also an open book, but there is no need to share certain things, and I also feel uncomfortable when people tell me every little detail of what they are going through, though I haven't actually experienced it here. I don't think it's insensitive. If anything, it's them not being considerate of the person they are unloading all their stuff onto.

If I go into someone elses diary and I read things that are hard for me to read, I try to remember that I am not the one who has been through that particular abuse, and it must have been ten thousand times harder for them to have experienced, and since I am in their diary, and their diary is for them to unload whatever they choose and want to, it is on me if it ends up affecting me in a neg way. I'm the one who went in there in the first place.

usually I experience this via other social media, like facebook.

 

[maddog]

I think that self awareness and self management are critical to safety and survival on a forum such as this. Some people are unaffected by the often graphic and detailed sharing of others and in fact may take a lot of empowerment and courage from being abel to bear witness to the depths of others' experiences. Others prefer to offer general advice and support or to stick to more factual, information-based topics of discussion.

Thankfully there is always so much going on on the forum that everyone has the right to pick and choose, to read what they wish and to leave the rest. Being aware of your own triggers, sensitivities, boundaries, comfort zones, preferences or whatever you wish to call them, is really important, and where those issues can become blurred, caution is probably the better approach.

If you imagine us all at a party together, some people will chatter incessantly and irritate you, others will hang awkwardly in the corner and converse only with those they know and trust, some will mingle freely and relaxedly among the crowd and others will move systematically around the room from one safe zone to the next.

I guess it's a matter of choosing where you want to stand, who you want to stand with, and leaving everyone else to do likewise.

Maddog

 

[Whitneys story]

Bill, From what you have written I would feel you to be a sensitive cautionary person. Nothing wrong with this at all. If you are trying to identify your own situations, others comments might cloud your thought process.

I might recommend when starting your thread you could lead it with a disclosure of how or what you would like help with. Be specific.

I feel most respondents truly want to help. We all have different means of communicating. Some gain validation by posting their situation. It is a risk we all take. No one makes us accept anothers opinion. You have the right of choice of what you throw out.

I wish you success in your journey!

 

[Meadowsweet]

I think everybody has there sensitivities, likes and dislikes, but they are different for everyone.

Like Nocollette, I looked at the fetish thread and it isn't my thing so I won't go back to it. I had a much worse reaction to Anthony's thread about sadism.

Is it a boundary issue or a wish not to experience their pain along with mine?

I think if it was a friend or colleague not online, then it is a personal boundary. So hopefully you could tell them that you are uncomfortable with hearing too much detail, but are there for them if you can help practically.

I think a forum works slightly differently because it's not a personal conversation, the posts are directed to anyone who wishes to read. But you can create personal boundaries by blocking content from members that speak in a way that is uncomfortable to you, and you can stop reading when a thread is not your thing.

The posts I find most difficult to read are those that don't seem open to hope, I do find that that tone brings me down. And I feel bad about myself for doing nothing, because, like you, I look for practical advice or an alternative perspective. I'm not good at just being sympathetic. But lots of other people are, so I just keep out of those threads.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Diaries are COMPLETELY off limits to me.

I read one girl's trauma and had horrible nightmares about it. And her trauma was nothing like mine.

Other posts I avoid as well, depending on the topic.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, I only go into a couple these days, and only people who are further along in their healing.

The first diary I went into I took on someone elses pain and anger, and I was not the same person the next day. It disturbed me immensely. I need to get better at not taking on other peoples stuff before I can go there again.

I'm going to have to learn though if I'm going to be a good therapist, because I will be dealing with people who have extreme trauma a lot.

I have my doubts about being able to handle it though. That experience really shook me up badly. I took on the persons anger because if they had have let themselves feel angry, it might have meant someone who didn't deserve it getting hurt...badly...even killed.

It helped the person, but it was too much for me.

 

[Shellbell]

I quickly learned which threads and subjects to read and which to avoid. We all need to be responsible for what we chose to read and what we don't. I will avoid discussions on sadism, fetish's etc, but I understand other people want and/or need to discuss this.

I think some people will feel better avoiding the diaries, as they can be very graphic. But other's like myself are mostly okay reading them. I can chose which to start reading, which to continue reading and which not. If a thread leads to triggers, or is just too negatively thought provoking, I can chose to avoid that also.

There is something for everyone to read on this forum, but it doesn't need to be everything that is written to this forum.

 

[Philippa]

Yeah, I do that too these days. If something is too triggering, or too graphic and I know I'm not in a place to be able to handle it, I will leave. I am glad there are people who can stay and be more supportive of these people though.

 

[Hashi]

The posts I find most difficult to read are those that don't seem open to hope, I do find that that tone brings me down.

I feel this, too. Not when people need to vent about this itself, but when it seems to be built in to the way they feel about other things. I feel really bad for the poster and, like everyone else here, I only have so much resilience and emotional energy. It can be very draining.

Bill, this might not be exactly what you meant, but I found it an adjustment to be on a site like this and there to be no use of trigger warnings. In the middle of a post there can suddenly be something quite graphic and disturbing to me. I find it difficult.

I don't think what you say is insensitive at all. We all have different tolerance levels for emotional and other sharing. Like other people have said, I rarely read diaries.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I have very little use for the news anymore. Too much if it bleeds it leads. Too many dash cam videos. I just can't watch them anymore. I go into automatic adrenaline rush, then anger, then a complete feeling frustration and helplessness all in about 2 seconds.

They are just toxic to me.

I think what bothers me about some of the folks sharing TMI is it doesn't really apply to the discussion. It seems to be a discussion about (A) and then a forum member will add their two cents worth but also three paragraphs about what happened to them. Feels like a pity party. Seems they have to justify their reason for being on the forum.

I feel like I need a bath to get all of the blood and gore off. I can understand why some might need to share but it feels like talking to someone who has the need to share everything about themselves every time they talk to you and other complete strangers.

I think my (T) said some folks have a disorder that works in that manner. I guess I'm being real insensitive but I get frustrated with needing all the baths.