Uncontrollable Zoning Experiences

[HappyJock]

Hi guys,

I've been noticing something quite scary and I'm not sure if this is "normal" for people with PTSD and BPD (Borderline). There are these moments where I have intense thoughts (millions of thoughts running through my head). A lot of those thoughts are violent thoughts towards myself only, about how I wish myself nothing but death, among other things. Then, I get severely dissociated and it's like I'm not in control of my body. My vision is blurry and hearing kind of like it hears things from far away. I'm walking, grab a knife and self-harm. I notice my facial expression in disgust and severe anger. Then, my vision and hearing come back and all of a sudden, I scare myself. "Why the heck did I just do that? I mean, I know I hate myself, but damn. I'm really violent towards myself in thoughts and these things I physically can't control when I hurt myself." I don't know if I'm even explaining it fully, but from this explanation, can anyone relate? Am I facing something normal or should I bring it up in therapy? I can almost say I "black out" but I don't 100% because I see through my own eyes, kind of, but I don't have control over it. I just don't know if it's common for PTSD'ers or BPD'ers or if it's something more.

 

[Sideways]

I think bringing it to your T'w attention, especially if you've got a decent amount of trust in your T, is a good idea, if only to get some reassurance.

It may not be the same, but periodically I lose my grip on my self-loathing thoughts and yeah, my head starts going completely and urgently nana with all these immensely painful and torturous things I should do to myself - like grab a kitchen knife and slice myself open everywhere and what the blood pool on the floor.

Sometimes I can bring myself back from those with anti-anxiety strategies. But sometimes it's a bit like my brain recognises that my emotions are completely out of control and way dangerous and it seems to enforce a short period of space-cadet dissociation on me, which breaks the cycle and I come out of it calmed down.


Does that sound kind of familiar? If so, healthy distraction and grounding activities to try and give your head a hit of a break from the intense emotions going on. I especially find labour-intensive activities and exercise helpful at times like that...?

 

[EveHarrington]

You've been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, right?

My initial thought is that this type of dissociation could very well be within the scope of a dissociative disorder. I haven't experienced anything like this with PTSD myself.

 

[HappyJock]

You've been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, right?

My initial thought is that this type...

Yes, but the T that I was with said it wasn't real so I guess I kind of forgot what DID was or that it was part of my diagnosis because she said it could be a defense to create personalities to cope but DID wasn't real and there was no evidence to say it's even a real thing. So with her I am not diagnosed with it but yes, I was told by others I had it.

 

[EveHarrington]

I really hope you can seek out a trauma therapist who specializes in dissociation. Your symptoms are sending up major red flags. Your life could be in danger and you're seeking treatment with a therapist who denies your disorder?

Does it make sense that you're just making this up in your head? (Technically-----really-----all of the mental aspects of PTSD are "just in our heads". That doesn't make it any less real or any more in our control.)

I'm also a bit concerned that you're brushing aside the DID stuff. Do you remember the other threads you've created on this topic?

IIRC you got a lot of great feedback in those threads.

Now it's not just a matter of seeing an unqualified or ignorant therapist. This therapist could cause you your life! I believe your dissociation is indeed beyond PTSD. I hope you can find a new therapist as your current treatment team is causing you harm IMHO.

 

[Sideways]

If it helps at all, I have DID, but when that happens it hadn't actually occurred to me (till now) that it might be an alter taking over. Even with DID, I still have dissociative episodes that aren't a complete switch, like derealisation etc, and that's more like what's going on for me when this happens- it's your more common 'dissociation' zoning out that lots of ptsd'ers get, triggered by the extreme emotions and thoughts.

Maybe it is a full switch, but I don't think so because it's different from when I do a full switch- more like my senses just become numb, and I'm experiencing life from the other end of a long dark tunnel.

 

[HappyJock]

I really hope you can seek out a trauma therapist who specializes in dissociation. Your symptoms...

I think it's more or less that she says that BPD and DID have very similar symptoms and these alters are just "defense mechanisms" -- even forgetting my own family, as a way to block out those who have disappointed me. That's okay. Sure, it could be, I'm not a specialist or therapist so I can't argue with her on that because I don't know enough. What what I will say is that she does take some things quite lightly. It's just that she's so helpful in the general aspects of social work... that it's like I'm gullible and can't get myself to get the more trained kind of help, if that makes sense. The more I see her, the more I start thinking like her -- oh, it's just PTSD, I'm making some improvements -- and boom. These hard symptoms are worsening -- but it's not like I can tell her, because it'll involve her telling me to talk to my psychiatrist and giving me great advice but very generic advice which is pretty helpful with my memory loss, but still.

No, I don't remember posting other threads, actually. I wrote about DID? I know I've written something about BPD or Asperger's and then in the very beginning about how I was happy to have found this T.

I'll see about switching to a therapist who at least specializes in trauma.

 

[HappyJock]

I think bringing it to your T'w attention, especially if you've got a decent amount of trust in...

Thanks for the response! That actually sounds similar. But I actually do the things I intend to do within the moment, being unable to stop myself. It's never "kill myself." Then I'd be in actual danger with my life, but the rest? I do all of what I intend to do. No distraction. No other thoughts pop in. It's like I'm sleep-walking. Like, if you'd bump into me, for example, let's say you were a roommate, I'd push you against the wall, staring into space, walk and get the knife and self-harm. Then, snap out of it and my vision and hearing comes back, I stop staring and am like "WTF did I just do?!" I see everything. But cannot control it or change its outcome. No matter what. I've tried.

 

[Sideways]

Like that idea. If you can remember what happened, your T shouldn't leap straight to a full dissociative switch as the first likely explanation. But getting help dealing with it sounds important.

That's not to say you don't have DID, just that dealing with this issue doesn't necessarily have to reopen the DID can of worms for you right now.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it's more or less that she says that BPD and DID have very similar symptoms and these alters...

I respectfully, wholeheartedly disagree with your therapist that BPD and DID have similar/overlapping symptoms (to the point where one exists and the other doesn't). A rudimentary examination of the DSM will tell you that these disorders, while sometimes seen in the same people, have quite disparate symptoms. One is a personality disorder while the other is a dissociative disorder. Dissociation plays no part in BPD (diagnosis) at all whereas dissociation is the defining part of a dissociative disorder.

I urge you to do research on your own. Unfortunately, both IME and from what I've seen here on the forum, we cannot simply trust that out therapist/Doctor knows best and not question their opinion if we truly want to get on the right healing path.

Yes, you have written about DID in other threads. You were questioning the old diagnosis versus the new diagnosis. IIRC I replied to at least one of those threads. I urge you to go back and revisit those threads.

I'm highly concerned about your level of dissociation and I believe that the sooner you find a specialist to treat dissociation, the better. This stuff doesn't go away.

 

[ghotiff]

What what I will say is that she does take some things quite lightly

This is at red flag for me. My first t did this and I ended up in a really dark place.

 

[joeylittle]

I'll see about switching to a therapist who at least specializes in trauma.

Or borderline. Either one will do - but it doesn't sound like you are getting treated for either.