Urge To Cut Is Back

[Heather]

I began cutting myself in the ninth grade. The first time was just a few scratches on my left wrist. It got more serious in my juniour year of high school. I would cut my face. One time I cut my lip with a razor blade. I have several scars on my left arm, a scar above my eye and one on my neck. I cut myself over the summer and now that the flashbacks have returned the urge to cut myself is back. I hate feeling this way. I'm tired of having this permeate every aspect of my life and feeling like a complete and total basket case. I look at the knives in the kitchen and imagine what it would be like to plunge it into my flesh. I think I need help.

 

[Darkness Shines]

I know how you feel. I back-slid with self-injury recently. It's so tempting just to make the horrible feelings go away for a little while, but it doesn't accomplish anything in the end. All the bad feelings will be back in a few hours or days, and you'll get the extra dose of guilt from having self-injured on top of it all. Try to find someone to talk to or something engaging to do to take your mind off the desire to cut. And if you think you need professional help to stop, you should absolutely find someone.

I'm here if you want to talk,

Adelaide

 

[kers]

I self-harmed for a long time, and although it's been a long while, too, since I did it, I often think of it at hard times, like today. As Adelaide says, the thing that keeps me from it is knowing that the crappy feelings will just be pushed aside for a bit and are bound to rear their heads again eventually. Sitting with the feelings, expressing them in other ways (like art or physical activity) can be painful, but you can indeed survive the feelings.

You are not alone with those temptations and feelings.

 

[Abrasky]

I have banged my head into the wall over and over and hit myself over and over. I have been told this was from overwhelming feelings or overwhelming numbness. I don't know what to say, but that anything to take the pain away sometimes isn't always the best thing. Hoping that the feelings let go of their hold on you.

 

[Heather]

my therapist said that for me cutting is like a drug.....I was taken aback when he made that statement. I also told him that I wrote on someone's blog here that it's normal to want to trade emotional pain for physical pain. He said that kind of thinking is not rational. I had to think about that, I guess he's right....

 

[Darkness Shines]

Actually, I don't think cutting is irrational. It's destructive and maladaptive but the reasons I've found that people do it are pretty logical. Physical pain releases a rush of chemicals in the brain that really do make you feel good for a little while. That's why it can be so addictive. It is just like a drug, really.

 

[patrick]

I've only cut myself one time, but I still think about it a lot. I think the time I did it was about knowing I needed to be somewhere safe. I thought if I cut myself bad enough I would have enough reason to get myself admitted to the psych ward. It worked, too. And what they told me is that next time I should admit myself before I started cutting, that the risk of doing serious damage, or even killing myself by accident was just too great.

Depression is such an unforgiving bitch. When it gets bad enough almost anything seems like it would be better than the way it feels at the moment. Can't think of anything else to say about it so I guess I'll just shut up for now.

 

[suzie q]

For me, cutting and watching myself bleed was a release from the pain I felt. My pain was so intense sometimes that I had to dissociate. Ultimately, I only felt like I was releasing a valve of pressure in my very soul to keep from killing myself. The act of cutting allowed me to release some steam. The blood represented the pain leaving me. I always thought I wanted to die, but later found through therapy that I was emotionally dead. Cutting had become a survival machinisim for me.

After working in therapy I eventually stopped because like what was said before in posts, it never went away by cutting. I had to learn new techniques to deal with the pain and shame. One way I learned was to do anger work. Should you want further info on this, let me know.

Cutting, in the end, is just another coping technique. I encourage you to find a new and safe way to handle the urge. I think your courage in posting it on the forum is a very positive start!!

;) Suzie Q

 

[kers]

Actually, I don't think cutting is irrational. It's destructive and maladaptive but the reasons I've found that people do it are pretty logical

I agree, Darkness Shines. I have worked for a long time on not being ashamed of my self-harm and not deriding myself for it, because it is an example of me doing the very best I can at a given moment in time to survive. I see it this way-- it worked as a stopgap coping mechanism--I'm here now--but I am also ready to find other ways to cope that are safer and less damaging to my body and psyche.

 

[Heather]

yesterday I did something very impulsive...i got my eyebrow pierced. it was an extremely impulsive move on my part. it's one of the coolest thing i've ever done but i really wonder if i did it instead of cutting myself....that thought keeps revolving around in the back of my mind. because i am the last person in the world you would ever think that would do something like that.

 

[patrick]

I'm from an older generation, and the piercings I see on so many people make me wonder what it's about. Gotta admit I find most of it less than appealing to look at, but that's my old man talking. And I've wondered if there isn't some sort of self harm motivation going on. especially when I see people with giant holes in their earlobes. I'm thinking you can't change your mind after doing something like that.

I've been going to Narcotics Annonymous meetings for a few years, and it's interesting to me that young people come to the program with lots of metal in their faces and if they stay clean over time it gradually disappears, or at least it seems that way to me. I wish I wasn't so much of an old fuddy duddy and could be more accepting of fashions I didn't grow up with.

Just out of curiosity though, does jewelery in various parts of your nose have much effect on how it feels to blow your nose. Seems to me like it might be uncomfortable.

 

[Heather]

I don't know about the nose thing as i don't have anything in there....but you maybe onto the self harm notion....