Urge To Cut Is Back

[MurphyJB]

I just had the really strong urge to stick my hand in a pot of boiling water.
I think I'm losing it.

 

[Heather]

stick my hand in a pot of boiling water.

I did that once Murphy. I wouldn't recommend it. Stick your hand in a bowl of ice water. Hurts just as bad WITHOUT the trip to the e.r. and 2nd to 3rd degree burns.

 

[MurphyJB]

The weirdest part was that I wasn't upset or anything.
I was at work teaching a kiddo ( with Autism) how to make Mac n cheese.
I would have done it, except the kid came up to me, took my hand, and said " no no no. Hot!" and then he gave me a hug.
It's like he knew...

 

[Goose]

For me cutting always comes at a time when I have a panic attack or when Im really stressed and have no way to release it all. When I cut its an instant source of relief even tho it only lasts for a very short period of time. But it calms me to the point where I can half way deal with things. I guess the pain caused by me cutting takes my mind off of everything else.

 

[AzureMind]

Yea, Heather....I know what you mean Jesus Christ it's hard....I've been fighting it, so damned hard lately....all I can say is, fight it, and if you can't, DON'T tempt yourself; if your around anything sharp, (for me I have my favorite implements, based on the way they feel when they slice, my skin open) get out of the room, and go for a walk, observe the scenery, get out of your head, it's worked for me....maybe it's something that'll do it for you too? Also, DON'T hate yourself either; passing judgement of yourself during this time is counter-productive, and prone to making you backslide even further down....has your cutting frequency gone up? If not, cool! :cool: If so, try to stay grounded, and only cut as a last resort...little incisions, you know? Yea, I know how it feels....you rely on those cuts, they feel great, it's like a scream that you can't get out your throat...I REALLY get it....but just take it a minute, hour, day whatever it takes at a time....I'm hangin' in there too...:)

 

[AzureMind]

For me cutting always comes at a time when I have a panic attack or when Im really stressed and have no way to release it all.

Same Here Goose; It's like it gives you a way to vent it all out.....and it calms you down because the endorphins released are like a natural anesthetic, that numb, and give you a mild feeling of pleasure.....I've been doing this dance for a long time....I'm gonna stop, though; I don't know if I'll ever COMPLETELY do away with the thoughts about cutting, but maybe, I just not do it....like fight it....maybe win? JMHO...:unsure:

 

[Heather]

I don't know if the urge will ever go away. It's changing lately though. I don't actively seek to hurt myself but if it happens I'm glad and the pain feels oh sooo good.

Although I do still have these images in my mind of stabbing myself in the arm over and over with a kitchen knife.

 

[AzureMind]

I was on campus last week, and the halls were quiet, so was the bath room.....and I had a small pen knife, and a utility scalpel.....aw man I wanted to let it rip.....I could practically feel the blade slicing through my arms....you know that warm feeling you get when it goes through and the blood runs? yea.....I was there....and I knew how good it would've felt if I would have, but It's not realy an option right now, because I'm on attendance probation......but I'm fightin' it though. I guess you could supplant one thing for another Heather?....any chance we could get hooked on M&M's? lol I swear, they're my next big love.....:D

 

[Heather]

Why is it that as soon as something upsetting happens the old patterns come...I was going to put creeping back....but that's not it they're not...THEY'RE ROARING THEIR UGLY HEAD so FIERCE! The urge is so strong!

Why is it so easy to self-destruct?? So easy to hate myself?? Want to destroy my flesh?!

It's like the progress that I've been is as easily wiped away as words on a chalkboard.:cry:

Nothing seems stable and that's a very frightening place to be.

 

[anthony]

Why is easy! Because you have used these behaviours previously to cope and they worked for you, even if they are destructive.

What's not so easy. To change destructive behaviours and replace them with more healthy ones, and that only happens by you actively doing exactly this, so your brain eventually replaces destructive with positive behaviours, and it will eventually reinforce this as the current strategy and be your instinctive new pattern, with the past just that... past.

 

[Heather]

This is hard and it's painful.

 

[AzureMind]

Yea it is.....and I'm finding that it's hard and painful to love, and desire others when you know the "familiarity" of SI....it's always been there....whether you bash walls with your hands, or you cut....it's always been just "there"....in retrospect...was it really any good? No....but it served it's purpose.....now it's time to find a new one....that's really all you can do Heather....There's still a part of you that feels "worthy" and "desiring" of the SI, because life without it is almost UNIMAGINABLE.....but I promise there's a life without it.....there's a life with all the things you want in it....;) I PROMISE :)