Urge To Cut Is Back

[Heather]

That was me CB about the ice - good memory:)

Nurture - you are sooo wonderful to me thank you!!!

I'll pm you Cherry. Maybe I shouldn't give advice. It's all too much right now, Ya know!

thanks for your support.

 

[freakofnurture]

I have a little kind-of success story here.

Cutting has been on my mind for the last two or three weeks; not terribly urgent, but constant, and it was rooted in the need to express the emotional pain I'm in. This is a tough one since I don't know any good counter arguments and I'm not going for pain (which would be obtainable via a rubber band or ice), but for blood, so, what do I do?

I thought, okay, I could express myself differently. I went to the art room and put a big sheet up, worked for half an hour or so and felt a bit better afterwards. The urge is still there, but it's a lot more diffuse and yields to basic objections like 'that would be a stupid thing to do'.

I think I'll follow this route for a while and see where it leads me.

 

[OKRADLAK]

A thing I used to do is deeply and intensely pretend to cut. And not. I would hold a razor and close my eyes and see it and feel it ......it was so real. When it passed, I had not done it. It may sound dumb, but it might help someone else! It really works if you can get into that mind set.....music, darkness, etc. The brain gets tricked to where it wants out and survival kicks in. It's like an illusion you can do to your brain. It really worked in my case.

 

[freakofnurture]

A thing I used to do is deeply and intensely pretend to cut. And not.

That's a great idea, thanks for sharing it! You reminded me of a similar skill I've read about:

Take a red marker or ballpoint pen and draw the lines instead of cutting them. I've never tried this myself but I really should.

As a follow-up to my last post: The day after I went to the art room the urge was gone completely. I've been actively looking for it, in case it might be lurking somewhere, waiting for me to let my guard down, but it seems to have evaporated. At least for the time being.

It feels a little strange since I've never before managed to get rid of the urge without cutting. It has always been just a question of sooner or later. The urge never completely vanished without that. And now it's really gone and I haven't even done anything particularly dramatic in the art room - in an emotional sense. I didn't cry or shake with anger, I was just calm and sober.

 

[OKRADLAK]

Yay, FON!! Don't worry about no art because no intense emotion. That can come later! I am very glad that urge is gone. I never but a lot. But that intensity was so powerful.......like a strong drug.....so let's hope it stays away. The less you do, the less of an option it seems.

You can heal from it...you can do it!!!!!

 

[Heather]

To much is going on lately and none of it is good. Stressors are becoming more and more. Old patterns are wanting to resurface.

The urge to take a knife or razor blade and hack away is SO, SO, STRONG! This is something that I haven't done in over a year. I can't believe that old habits come back like they've never even left.

Why is it so easy to turn the rage inward instead of out where it belongs? Probably because I wouldn't like prison and wounds heal.... whats a few more scars. Right?

 

[intothelight]

Heather,

IMHO, the only thing you need to cut...is your unhealthy family members out of your life. I really believe that you will find some relief there. The emotional hurt leads to anger and then the anger goes everywhere, inside and out.

Ask yourself if they are really worth the scars, seen and unseen? Only you can answer that question.

(((Hugs))) and please try rubber bands and ice first.

Deb

 

[freakofnurture]

A whole year? Wow! Congratulations! :)

There are more than just two ways to direct rage. Sure you can push it inward or you can take an axe to the people who hurt you. But you can also try to take the axe to some inanimate, useless object - that is, if acting out helps you dissolve your anger at least temporarily - or to the racing track, the spring house cleaning... There are a million ways to use that energy (I appreciate, though, that it's not easy to put it to use, especially in the beginning).

And yes, cutting helps short-term and wounds heal, but they don't really change anything, while the use of rage to clean up or run produces positive change, especially long-term.