User Adaruth is Marilyn S.

[Marilyn_S]

It was really stupid of me to do the whole new username thing considering I could have just emailed him, but I did it because I thought it was the only way I could communicate with Anthony to get back on the forum. And actually, Anthony did not kick me off for breaching the privacy rule. He was kind enough to just moderate me and keep me out of private areas, which was exactly the right thing to do as out of stupidity I did breach privacy. What actually got me banned was my husband acting like a jack ass and asking for me to be banned. I love my husband very much and am committed to him in marriage but that does not mean I agree with everything he does. He is overprotective by far. This is of course not what I need. He is slowly understanding that, I hope. I did wrong, I admit that, but I am very glad I am allowed to be back on the forum. I was one of those sick and mathmatically challenged people who thought Anthony could fix me. But I have learned since to be more genuine with everybody and to draw support from the community rather than expecting one person, who although he is a pretty super guy, is human and is venerable to criptonite! lol! I hope everybody understands and don't think I'm just a big jerk. I acted like a jerk but I'm really a very caring person who wears her heart on her sleeve and tries to be sensitive to people's veberable points. Anyway, I'm just really glad to be back. Take gentle care of yourselves. Marilyn S.

 

[becvan]

Glad to have you back and NOPE don't hold it against ya!

bec

 

[Awakening]

sorry, emotions are running high at the moment so im super sensitive

welcome (back) marilyn s

 

[Claire]

trouble

Hello Marilyn, I'm honestly a bit mixed up about having you back on here. I was upset you were banned in the first place then I was glad to see you back. I'm also mixed up though, by how I feel about you tricking your way back in. I have a problem with trust and I'm having a problem with all of this. I just prefer things black and white I guess. I like to know where I am with people and this is especially online.

 

[Marilyn_S]

Claire,
I am so sorry if I offended you by what I did. It was mostly out of stupidity. I thought it was the only way I could reach Anthony. I realized after doing so that I could have emailed him from the site. I wasn't trying to be meanly duplicious. I care about the people on this forum. It hurt so bad when I was banned that I cried off and on for a week about it. But it was for a good reason and I have learned from it. I hope you can learn to trust me again. I know it is hard to trust people you can't see or hear, but I assure you, I care about you very much. (((Hugs))) if ok. Marilyn S.

 

[Deleted member 487]

Does this mean we finally get Anthony to buy us all pizza and beer? <giggle> :D

 

[Marilyn_S]

Hee hee! I guess you'll have to ask Anthony that one! I know this, my behavior did warrent being banned and Anthony was very very kind to let me back on. It feels good that he recognizes a change in me for the better and that he would give me a second chance.

I don't know how, just life I guess, but I've learned that no one can validate me, rescue me from my past, or be that person who is always there for me. I did not realize that I was being childish. I didn't realize how much I was really expecting from Anthony. I let my pain and my inner noise get in the way of my common sense. But I will tell everybody this. IMHO, Anthony is a very special person. He is correct when he says counselors can't do what he does. They can't because they have to pussy foot around with people to keep them as clients and keep the money rolling in! Anthony tells the truth because he does care. That is a fact or I would not be here posting this message today. Now some might think I'm just stroking Anthont to get browny points. Well, think what you may but everything I am saying here is the absolute truth as I see it.

I had a private diary and I'll be damned if he didn't respond to just about every line of thought I posted. I felt the truth in what he was telling me and it was so frightening I had to sabatauge it. I couldn't handle the truth. Now I'm not saying that I agree with every word Anthony says. That would make me a guru and someone sicker than with just PTSD!!! But I will say this, Anthony has this forum because he cares, not because he's some hoity toity PhD with a big over inflated ego and your money paying for his rich lifestyle!!! He's a common person just like you or me, IMHO. And I am so thankful he started this forum. I am a better person because of this forum! Warm Regards to all, Marilyn S.

 

[anthony]

All I ask from people is that they are honest and do the work, not play the sympathy route and deny what they own... you are at that point Marilyn where your actually ready to simply accept yourself. Well done to you. I hated being pushed to that realization myself, though I am thankful to those that helped me at that point in my life to simply look inwards and be honest outwards. I stopped blaming others, I stopped wanting sympathy for anything related to my trauma, I began actioning what was wrong with me. I think you are an inspiration to us all Marilyn, keep up your end of the work now please.

I want people to argue with me, shit I push hard enough at some to get it, because when angry people are truthful, that means the real issues get exposed. People must be angry yet vulnerable in order to divulge, and even then the brain still attempts sealing it all in.

 

[Marilyn_S]

Well, I am sure there will be a point that I do argue with you as that seems our best repor! lol! But I will not argue the points you mentioned above because they are dead-eye-peat. One has to stop wanting sympathy and start wanting to actually look inward to one's own problems in order to heal. Its easy to blame, but hard to accept that the consequences of trauma, even if caused by someone else's abuse, are a combination of problems that can only be solved or made less by owning them as one's own problems.

 

[anthony]

Yep, must agree totally. We will butt heads, guaranteed. I have done the sympathy route myself, been angry at the world, others, anything and everything but myself for all the wrong reasons, none of which did one bit of good for my healing and recovery. Once I began being honest with myself, I began to truly heal some of the anger, which meant I could actually start feeling truely what was bothering me, I could see more inside because I was no longer blinded by such extreme anger and rage. I could actually go forward. Took me some time to achieve, but I did it, and this is what we must all achieve in order to heal.

You have done that Marilyn in the way that worked best for you, that was needed for you, but the point is, where you have said to me before that nobody has been able to help you to date, you just found and discovered why. Others cannot help you if your not willing to help yourself first. You are the person who can help you most, you just need a push in the right direction to find the solution for you.