Using A Different Part Of The Brain

[Thinkingman85]

I've realized that some of my thought processes are no longer being used since the trauma. It seems like I am less analytical and more creative than how I used to be. More than likely, emotional neglect has led me to think this way. During the trauma process, I started thinking to myself, "Why isn't this person acknowledging what I'm saying? I'm investing time explaining things that are interesting." Due to a lack of appreciation from others, I started to fall into a depression.

Now, I'm hesitant on being so involved in studying subjects that I love. It's not that I don't want to. It's because I was ignored and told that I was wrong. I conducted my life (living patterns, etc.) based on what I studied but it was all treated as if it didn't matter. Some of it included philosophy, nutrition, self empowerment, biology, anthropology, and more. What do you do if so many people dissed the way you lived? I'm concerned that if I use my mind like I used to, people will alienate themselves from me again because I get so deep into subjects. I'm not trying to brag, but it seemed like people were distancing themselves because I knew so much. It was like knowledge was viewed as a taboo. I want to be able to use my brain 100% and not feel ashamed if I display intelligence that may offend people.

In short, I don't want to dumb myself down for people. It has only left me hurt and feeling like I have cut a part of myself off. If I do reconnect to this analytical part, people will probably neglect me again. And that is what I don't want. I more than likely won't be able to succeed unless I take off the lock to the cage and let my mind flow free again... Learning galore.

 

[mamachick]

Yeah I kind of know what you mean. I am no brainiac, but I do remember being a teen and being smart among my peers was not popular. Sometimes I think I just played dumb. It was more acceptable.

Never let others hold you back. Lets face it, you dont have to tell others everything you know. Whats the saying, the first to open their mouth is the fool or something like that. Others cannot take your knowledge away. Maybe you need to find smarter friends, but until you do, it might not be cool to know so much around less intellegent folks. Its a tradeoff and you must decide what you prefer.

 

[saffy]

Hi thinkingman

I conducted my life (living patterns, etc.) based on what I studied but it was all treated as if it didn't matter.

Does it matter to you? Why is it so important for others to think it matters? :)

What do you do if so many people dissed the way you lived? I'm concerned that if I use my mind like I used to, people will alienate themselves from me again because I get so deep into subjects

That says a lot more about the people you were with than you. How ignorant and unsupportive of them as friends. What makes them so important that they can judge you?

I want to be able to use my brain 100% and not feel ashamed if I display intelligence that may offend people.

If you find other intelligent people with the same interests and a willingness to converse about it you will be free. But you have to remember not everyone has the same interest or capacity to discuss it

CHoose who and when you start talking and getting deeper into things. I am the same and get excited when discussing things I love. SOme people listen with interest some do not. I have to respect that. I suppose it was enthusiasm to discuss things I felt strongly about as well. I think you do this. It is good to have enthusiasm and drive to discuss your thoughts and feeling about things you are passionate about. I think the problem is theirs not yours.

They do not sound like very interesting themselves actually. No wonder you feel brain dead and frustrated and held back.

Finding like minded people goes a few ways. One they have to have the same morals, integrity and values as you. And the other it helps if they showed the same behaviour traits too, enthusiastic, interested, mature and intelligent enough to discuss things properly instead of 'dissing' the person (actually it is normally a way of hiding their ignorance on the subject and avoid discussion on it) ;)

There is a lot of people out there to explore :)

Don't give up on what you love. Do it for yourself and because it matters to you. :)

Don't make excuses or stop your life for others bad behaviour or judgement. :)

Best wishes
:) Saffy

 

[Thinkingman85]

Saffy, I agree with you completely. My problem is that I've been hurt by so many people that I have an overall painful feeling. Something that interrupts my everyday normal functioning. It needs to be resolved. I just don't know why so many people have done this. Believing in myself is hard because of the depression and resentment I have to deal with. I could do so much more if I wasn't holding on to all of the baggage and ill feelings. I usually doubt if I can handle people in the outside world.

I had a breakdown before. That took a very large toll. It completely knocked my sense of self control and purpose out of balance. The thing that I grapple the most with is thinking that I'm a weak person. I've been rejected by a lot of girls even though I asked them out in a nice manner. I just think that my peers (which I loathe with abhorrence) judge me as an intelligent yet weak person. They don't know what I've had to deal with. They don't know how much willpower it takes to not show up at certain peoples' doorsteps with a baseball bat and knock them into oblivion. I am a moral person and they probably see that as a weakness.

 

[saffy]

Hi Thinkingman

My problem is that I've been hurt by so many people that I have an overall painful feeling.

I understand that feeling very well. What is it that actually hurts you or make you feel bad about yourself?

I think for me it was the lack of visible compassion, interest and care. I realised I was basing my happiness and acceptance way to much on other people. I had to find this from inside then what ever they did did not hurt me anymore. I guess I learnt to pity them instead of allowing them to make me feel hurt. Rationally I learnt to think they had no right and what people said was not necessarily the truth or in my best interests. I know sometimes the truth hurts, but I bet their words are not he truth about you really?

you hit the nail on the head in regards to believing in yourself. You have to do that first of course. Until you learn how to love yourself and believe in knowing what makes you happy and what doesn't and that you have rights and expect equal respect you will always come across people whose words and behaviour hurt you. Without belief in yourself to know they are wrong and what they say or do is immaterial to the way you feel about yourself, you will be free to shine just as you. If people do not accept you for who you are and want to be then they have problems far worse than yours my friend. I hope that makes sense.

What makes you resentful? The key is learning to let go of all those negative feelings and thoughts and replace them with more rational positive ones. It takes time and inner strength but it does work. I can vouch for that. :)

It is the baggage and ill feelings you have to combat first then nobody will be a threat.

I've been rejected by a lot of girls even though I asked them out in a nice manner.

Girls turn people down for a lot of reasons. Sometimes you are not compatible, sometimes there is not mutual attraction, sometimes the girls are just bitches.

I just think that my peers (which I loathe with abhorrence) judge me as an intelligent yet weak person.

Another judgement. Are these peers really worthy to judge you?

You seem to rate yourself compared to how others judge and accept you. But you already said you do not even believe in yourself, so why would they? they do not even know you. Your peers sound like they find you a threat rather than weak. Keeping you down keeps them feeling that you would not be a threat. Intelligence is a very powerful thing if you know how to use it in the right way.

Your confidence and self worth is so low no wonder you feel depressed.

I think it would really help if you worked on your confidence and how to be more assertive maybe. All good personal development tools. Take time to develop more before worrying about other people or you will always feel inferior and judged by others. You do that to yourself anyway. :)

I would see your behaviour as strong, it is easy to go and beat someone, it is a lot harder to ignore them. But with this resentment it is going against your moral beliefs. You are in conflict with yourself. :0

I hope you do not mind me sharing a few things that might help. Please do not take it the wrong way as I know you are intelligent.


http://www.skillsyouneed.com/ps/assertiveness.html

I feel that personal development will really help. You will have the confidence to find better peers and leave the ones you hate so much behind and not be influenced by them.

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

Thanks for the response. Previously, I was very assertive. However, I did still have the outside-validation insecurity. What led me to change (or become more presonally devoted) was my passion for music. I was on a path that strayed me away from doing what I love. I still have doubts about what I am doing and am tempted to get back on that path. However, I've been making music since I was 14 and it is commended. Ever since that age, I've always dreamed of making it. A lot of hard work has been put in. My Youtube channel has over 12,000 views and all of my videos are liked and have positive feedback. I sell my music on iTunes. Basically, what I believed about my music is true. People DO like it. Still, I haven't been able to make a living with it yet. That is where my depression kicks in. I always feel like if I am not successful as an independent artist then life is meaningless and I will have nothing to live for. I can't see myself being content with anything else. I would walk around depressed all the time because I wouldn't be giving people the message in my music. At times, I think my PTSD has been caused because I realized how the world works. If I'm not appreciated as an artist in this world, I don't think there is any getting rid of my mental pain. A lot of my pain arose because people wanted me to be something that I am not. Conforming is something that I struggle doing.

 

[saffy]

Hi thinkingman

Still, I haven't been able to make a living with it yet.

YOur problem may be your motivation. Is it intrinsic or extrinsic?

Intrinsic motivation proposes that individuals have an innate need to feel personally competent and self determining. . Conversely, if events lead to a reduction in performers perception of either their personal competence or their self determination then intrinsic motivation will be decreased.

Is your music just to make money? , or is it to express yourself and because you really enjoy it.?

Basically, what I believed about my music is true. People DO like it

That must feel great. Most important you actually believe in yourself. Others liking it boost the ego but that is not why you are doing it, I feel. I don't think you are an ego maniac in regards to your music but you do need external evaluation to reinforce what you already know. :)

A lot of my pain arose because people wanted me to be something that I am not.

You were in conflict with yourself then eh :)

Now is the time to choose to do what you want not what others want or you will never be happy inside. It goes against what you feel and believe about yourself.

I came to one conclusion last night.

Before trauma we all felt we were invincible, ready for anything and confident around other people. Trauma and abuse takes that away. We feel like a lost child, confused about the world and how to handle it, fear of the unknown, have little confidence around people and loose ability to cope in adversity. We become more anxious more aware more paranoid about it happening again.

I feel it is so important to relearn important life skills like assertiveness and be more confident in our actions and thoughts and work on our self esteem so we do not need others opinions and actions to influence us. :)

If you are not a conformist by nature then you will feel inner pain and conflict.

What sort of music do you write Thinkingman :)

You sound very determined to go back to your music. You just need to confidence to do it. :)

I hope you are well today :)

best wishes
Saffy :)