CraftyCath
VIP Member
I know I haven't shared much about this with anyone; it has been too painful for too long. Basically, I suffered a lot of physical and psychological abuse/bullying as a child and it continued into adulthood. I was sexually assaulted by a man when I was 16 and there are parts of my childhood memories 'missing.' I left home at 18 and moved 125 miles away to Carlisle (UK) to train as a nurse. I was again bullied by a group of other trainees and was eventually put on a ward where the senior nurse (Sister) also bullied me.
To cut a long story short. Before I was on her ward a man jumped from the 6th floor and landed right next to where I stood. He died on impact of course but it turned out he was one of her patients who was in after taking an overdose. He made out he was better but he climbed to the roof and jumped off. Well she (the sister) was hysterical and wanted to take his body back to the ward. I said we couldn't move him until the police had been.
Months went by and I was moved to her ward for my medical experience. I don't think she remembered me from the above experience but she made my life hell. Nothing I did was right. I was accused of being scruffy, late, lazy, thick and she humiliated me on a regular basis for 8 solid weeks. I was terrified. Anyway, one night I was on duty with her, a first year student and a care assistant (Axillary). A man was admitted for asthma treatment and during visiting time he arrested. We all ran to deal with the man. He didn't die well (won't describe as it is pretty gory). She blamed me. She shouted at me 'Nurse R****n,' you just killed that man!' And I thought 'Oh my God I just killed him.' Everybody heard...patients, visitors, staff. It was the straw broke the camels back at that moment and I thought I was having a breakdown.
During an EMDR session with my T I realised that SHE had panicked not me. I did my best, even the recovery team couldn't bring him back. I saw the whole incident through different eyes. I saw the panic on her face and I saw her walk away and leave me (a third year student) with a first year student to deal with the situation. She shouldn't have done this. SHE COULDN'T COPE! There was an inquest; he didn't die from an asthma attack but from a massive MI (heart attack). I DID NOTHING WRONG. I have spent the last 25 years blaming myself with some details of the incident as clear as if they happened today and some details missing. They are all back now.
More EMDR and I saw her as a ghost, retreating down the ward, no longer haunting my life. But I have read the WIKI pages and some of the things Anthony had said about putting what you have learned into practice and knew this wasn't enough. I asked my T how he felt about me doing some exposure therapy, he thought it was a good idea. I spent time looking at pictures of the hospital and Carlisle on Google and then yesterday, with my T's 'Cunning Plan' in hand and a SUDS chart, I went to Carlisle for the first time in 25 years (I did try to go once, years ago but panicked and had to come back - I never got there). My T had planned for me to stop at every service station and spend some time checking my anxiety levels, breathing and tapping before moving on. Then when we got there to do something nice as a reward before going to the hospital and Nurses Residence. So I did as he asked and I have never felt so peaceful about doing something so scary.
My SUDS rating was about 3 or 4 the whole way. We had lunch in the cathedral cafe and I lit a candle for everyone on the Forum and left a prayer request. (I don't often do that sort of thing but it felt right). Then we looked round the shops before driving to the hospital. We went to my first year accommodation, then the hospital then my 2nd/3rd year accommodation. The old hospital still stands but it is closed down and there is a lovely new one built. I showed my hubbie the exact spot, just outside the old building where the man had jumped. I could see it all in glorious technicolour but it had no affect on me. Lots of memories came back and some of them were good, none of them disturbed me.
I was left with a feeling of sadness over the loss of my chosen career but my T said he thinks that might go in a few days and if it doesn't we can work on it in the next session.
I am so pleased for myself. :tup: I DID IT! How cool is that! :cool: :laugh:
To cut a long story short. Before I was on her ward a man jumped from the 6th floor and landed right next to where I stood. He died on impact of course but it turned out he was one of her patients who was in after taking an overdose. He made out he was better but he climbed to the roof and jumped off. Well she (the sister) was hysterical and wanted to take his body back to the ward. I said we couldn't move him until the police had been.
Months went by and I was moved to her ward for my medical experience. I don't think she remembered me from the above experience but she made my life hell. Nothing I did was right. I was accused of being scruffy, late, lazy, thick and she humiliated me on a regular basis for 8 solid weeks. I was terrified. Anyway, one night I was on duty with her, a first year student and a care assistant (Axillary). A man was admitted for asthma treatment and during visiting time he arrested. We all ran to deal with the man. He didn't die well (won't describe as it is pretty gory). She blamed me. She shouted at me 'Nurse R****n,' you just killed that man!' And I thought 'Oh my God I just killed him.' Everybody heard...patients, visitors, staff. It was the straw broke the camels back at that moment and I thought I was having a breakdown.
During an EMDR session with my T I realised that SHE had panicked not me. I did my best, even the recovery team couldn't bring him back. I saw the whole incident through different eyes. I saw the panic on her face and I saw her walk away and leave me (a third year student) with a first year student to deal with the situation. She shouldn't have done this. SHE COULDN'T COPE! There was an inquest; he didn't die from an asthma attack but from a massive MI (heart attack). I DID NOTHING WRONG. I have spent the last 25 years blaming myself with some details of the incident as clear as if they happened today and some details missing. They are all back now.
More EMDR and I saw her as a ghost, retreating down the ward, no longer haunting my life. But I have read the WIKI pages and some of the things Anthony had said about putting what you have learned into practice and knew this wasn't enough. I asked my T how he felt about me doing some exposure therapy, he thought it was a good idea. I spent time looking at pictures of the hospital and Carlisle on Google and then yesterday, with my T's 'Cunning Plan' in hand and a SUDS chart, I went to Carlisle for the first time in 25 years (I did try to go once, years ago but panicked and had to come back - I never got there). My T had planned for me to stop at every service station and spend some time checking my anxiety levels, breathing and tapping before moving on. Then when we got there to do something nice as a reward before going to the hospital and Nurses Residence. So I did as he asked and I have never felt so peaceful about doing something so scary.
My SUDS rating was about 3 or 4 the whole way. We had lunch in the cathedral cafe and I lit a candle for everyone on the Forum and left a prayer request. (I don't often do that sort of thing but it felt right). Then we looked round the shops before driving to the hospital. We went to my first year accommodation, then the hospital then my 2nd/3rd year accommodation. The old hospital still stands but it is closed down and there is a lovely new one built. I showed my hubbie the exact spot, just outside the old building where the man had jumped. I could see it all in glorious technicolour but it had no affect on me. Lots of memories came back and some of them were good, none of them disturbed me.
I was left with a feeling of sadness over the loss of my chosen career but my T said he thinks that might go in a few days and if it doesn't we can work on it in the next session.
I am so pleased for myself. :tup: I DID IT! How cool is that! :cool: :laugh:
