Vicious 'victim' Persona On Weekends

[wanderer27]

Hi there!

I'm new here and first time posting. This is a long thread, but I would really appreciate advise or words of affirmation from the community to motivate me to find my path towards healing! :)

Background:

I was diagnosed with PTSD a year and a half ago about 2 traumatic experiences that happened one after the other 2 years ago. I went through EMDR, which helped to calm the PTSD symptoms and I spent my 2015 having my 'emotionally unavailable' period. I migrated back to my home country a few months ago to start a new life after spending 4 years in Canada.


I am noticing patterns when I'm not busy:
- I work with kids from M-F (Kids make me a very happy person while at work, even though they test my patience) When I come home I have the privilege to allow myself to relax (my brain gets lazy and I don't do anything productive).
But during weekends, I terrible crave my alone time and isolate myself after overstimulation from kids and fear of connecting with the outside world. I ruminate over my wounds, and feel like a 'victim' over and over again (I used to feel like a 'survivor' when I went through EMDR).
My hunch is that work is a distraction from my real feelings, which arise when I am well rested and have not much to do during weekends (I spend my weekends isolated as I just want the genuine friendships I had while struggling with PTSD back in Canada. Reconnecting with friends back home has been hard and scary, and I have almost no social life now).

I'm torn right now: Being alone and getting in touch with feelings is a strong need and so is distracting myself from them to move on and heal. But I just don't have motivation to do both. It's hard. One side of me tells me that I need to confront my real feelings and take my time to adjust to the many changes I'm going through without rushing to fill my schedule. And the 'Type A' side tells me that I should get a second job to use my time well, earn more money than my very low-paying job (to stop depending on my dad financially - which I hate because it gives him power and control - and migrate somewhere else, -which is part of my plan for next fall), and most importantly, distract myself from this 'victim' persona I have during the weekends.


Yoga works wonders to stop my weekend heartaches, temporarily. I have tried journaling. It works sometimes. But most of the time, it's just hard for me to go deep and see what I really feel, why I feel that way, what I'm thinking. I get lost in my thoughts and cry over and over again.

 

[Freedomfighter]

A lot of times most of us would agree that we have similar symptoms with this disease. People of all ages test my patience and I desperately need that time of solitude to connect with myself, with my needs. It seems to me that having to interact with other people crowds out what I really want. I have experienced that especially since my PTSD stems from people that are normally supposed to help other people, who I have to protect myself from now though.

After the excruciating pain of recognizing after many years that people whom I used to trust have only attempted to hurt me I find myself with painful headaches, wondering how such people could have possibly so convincingly lied about everything that I thought was the truth. It is also apparent to me that many, in order to get closer to the victim, will dish out lies that unfortunately the victim often believes. One cunning predator in particular dished lies about experiences that I really did have in my life time, that he only chose to lie about, all with the thought that would allow him to get closer to the victim.

Alas, I have to remember that the ones that continue to place themselves in plain view with their names, stories, lies, and behavior are the ones I really have to watch out for.
A PTSD person can not possibly be a survivor at all times, because this illness will not allow that. The reason we so often go through the same traumatic motions and symptoms is because our brains are literally damaged to the point where the regular functional thinking completely ceases to exist.

I see this more and more now, and it makes think that my brain may finally finally actually have healed in some areas. I look through old correspondence and I notice that while triggered I have completely missed the meaning of them.
I also notice that now that my brain has sort of cleared that I now see the predators for who they really are out there. I was soooo ill, and so naive to believe many people that they truly wanted to help me, cared for people who were only waiting with the proverbial knife as soon as I turn my back.

So therefore it pays to think everything through over an over and I find that I have to do that in order to find what I really want, because the predators that attempted to creep into my life and have actually forcefully influenced my thinking over the past years (must have been some very knowledgeable "experts") only were able to do that because I was very ill. It is with absolute disgust that I now think of these people and what they have done and how they steal the time away from a victim, how they attempt to make sure that the victim never gets a choice, (other then them of course), and how they attempt to link their lies to the truth the victim is attempting to prove.

Don't loose patience with yourself, because that is one of the view things we have to allow ourselves to heal. I still can not believe that I did not recognize that I was simply attacked when being very sick, still can not believe they attempted to do that to me for so long now and how they use their lies to gain the trust of a victim.

You need to take all the time you need to get better, self care is a very important factor for a PTSD patient.

 

[wanderer27]

Thank you FreedomFighter for your reply. I'm sorry to know about your disappointing experiences. I also agree that self care is important and I should stop listening to my family's (and my own) pressure to use my time to have a second job because I HAVE FEELINGS TO CONFRONT! It makes me feel much better to have someone that understands PTSD to encourage me. Best wishes on your journey. :)

 

[Casey_03]

I think there is a way to confront your feelings on the weekend in a healthier way. I can only speak from personal experience, but I used to have the same problem. I'd be fine when working but on the weekends, when I was at home alone, I'd sink into a deep depression and experience terrible, crippling anxiety. For me, the one thing that helped was getting out of the house and doing something first thing in the morning -- anything! Even just going out for a walk. I was still reflective and in touch with my feelings, but I wasn't overcome with depression. It seemed like a much healthier way of confronting my feelings. Maybe you could try the same thing? Just going for a walk in the morning or getting out of the house to start the day. It really really helps.

I think you probably do need to confront your feelings, so I wouldn't encourage getting a second job. But at the same time, what you describe sounds very much like depression, which can cloud your thinking and set you back a bit. And make confronting your feelings impossible, because while you're experiencing those feelings, you're only seeing things in a very dark light. I think if you make the effort to get out in the morning, even just for a short work, you will still confront feelings but you won't be bogged down by that cloud of depression. You'll see things more clearly.

 

[wanderer27]

I think there is a way to confront your feelings on the weekend in a healthier way. I can only speak...

Thank you very much for your reply Casey! I am a big lover of walks alone (after sun goes down) and should try going out in the morning in search of a more positive experience!