SimplySaskia
New Here
In December, 2011, a mass murderer came into our home and attacked my family. My 18 year-old daughter was brutally stabbed to death. My husband and another child staying with us over Christmas break were also stabbed. My entire family is living with PTS. We are like spinning tops - each spinning out of control, colliding and bumping off each other...
One major difficulty I am left with, is that I have not been able to eat solid food since our attack. I am hyper sensitive to ALL smells - everything smells like rotting garbage to me. It leaves me constantly feeling nauseous, and when I attempt to eat, causes all food to 'taste' like rotting garbage. I have been 'forcing' myself to drink liquid protein each day, but this is not enough.
Another major difficulty, is the flashback. When that moment comes back to me, as uncontrollable as this is, the left side of my head feels as if it is being hit with a baseball bat. And I experience total blindness for a moment - everything just goes black. I opened my mouth, and screamed that morning. And only with medication, did the screaming subside. But I constantly want to open my mouth and scream again, and never stop... I don't, only because I FEAR what will happen if I do. I slowly lost my ability to converse with others over the year, as this NEED inside me to scream has grown. I do not trust myself to open my mouth any longer, for fear of what might come out.
I have developed severe social anxiety. And it worsens each day. I find it harder and harder to leave the house. I cannot bear to be anywhere near a person who resembles our MURDERER. I get filled with such RAGE, that I feel 'I' may be dangerous. I cannot bear to see people who are just living their lives. For my entire life was TAKEN by our Murderer, and he has given me this 'new life' I'm supposed to live now, one that is truly nothing more than a nightmare in every respect. It is an intense pain, all over, that I emotionally and PHYSICALLY experience for the duration I am subjected to the outside world. And, I cannot bear to lie. Inevitably, people ask how we are doing. And my truthful response is always the same. "Life is excruciating. What was done to us IS too unbearable to live with. And I wish every second, for this nightmare to end." This, after all, IS my truth. But all those on the outside? Can only interpret this to mean I am going to commit suicide... And some have stupidly called the police, thinking they are being 'helpful'. Not realizing, this stresses me beyond reproach. And last December, when the police showed up again at our door, they attacked me, and dragged me from my home! And put me away for 24 hours in a crazy place... THE SAME CRAZY PLACE, OUR MURDERER HAD GONE TO 'HIDE' FOR THE FIRST TWO DAYS AFTER HE ATTACKED US!
I found myself in absolute TERROR there, until I was finally able to talk to the psychiatrist. I told her what had happened to my family. And I told her my truth. For you see, as a Victim, I can no longer be truthful. The Murderer has taken this from me too. I explained my situation to the psychiatrist like this: If SHE had a bad day, and was asked how she was doing, and replied, "I'm so angry at my husband I might just kill him", no one would ACTUALLY think she was going to go home and kill her husband. But AS A VICTIM OF SUCH A MONSTROUS THING, if I speak the 'truth' - EVERYONE thinks I MUST want to kill myself, because 'THEY' can't imagine 'themselves' being able to live my nightmare. I told the psychiatrist, if I was going to commit suicide, I'd already be dead. I surely wouldn't have stayed this long! But I have a young daughter who needs me. She witnessed all that happened too. I am here for HER! And I MUST testify at trial! She immediately apologized for what the police had done, and sent me home...
But, since this second physical attack, I have been unable to speak. I cannot make eye contact with anyone, ever. And I refuse to leave the house.
I do have professionals, trying to help. But even they are uncertain, they can fix someone so shattered. Is there anyone out there, like me?...
One major difficulty I am left with, is that I have not been able to eat solid food since our attack. I am hyper sensitive to ALL smells - everything smells like rotting garbage to me. It leaves me constantly feeling nauseous, and when I attempt to eat, causes all food to 'taste' like rotting garbage. I have been 'forcing' myself to drink liquid protein each day, but this is not enough.
Another major difficulty, is the flashback. When that moment comes back to me, as uncontrollable as this is, the left side of my head feels as if it is being hit with a baseball bat. And I experience total blindness for a moment - everything just goes black. I opened my mouth, and screamed that morning. And only with medication, did the screaming subside. But I constantly want to open my mouth and scream again, and never stop... I don't, only because I FEAR what will happen if I do. I slowly lost my ability to converse with others over the year, as this NEED inside me to scream has grown. I do not trust myself to open my mouth any longer, for fear of what might come out.
I have developed severe social anxiety. And it worsens each day. I find it harder and harder to leave the house. I cannot bear to be anywhere near a person who resembles our MURDERER. I get filled with such RAGE, that I feel 'I' may be dangerous. I cannot bear to see people who are just living their lives. For my entire life was TAKEN by our Murderer, and he has given me this 'new life' I'm supposed to live now, one that is truly nothing more than a nightmare in every respect. It is an intense pain, all over, that I emotionally and PHYSICALLY experience for the duration I am subjected to the outside world. And, I cannot bear to lie. Inevitably, people ask how we are doing. And my truthful response is always the same. "Life is excruciating. What was done to us IS too unbearable to live with. And I wish every second, for this nightmare to end." This, after all, IS my truth. But all those on the outside? Can only interpret this to mean I am going to commit suicide... And some have stupidly called the police, thinking they are being 'helpful'. Not realizing, this stresses me beyond reproach. And last December, when the police showed up again at our door, they attacked me, and dragged me from my home! And put me away for 24 hours in a crazy place... THE SAME CRAZY PLACE, OUR MURDERER HAD GONE TO 'HIDE' FOR THE FIRST TWO DAYS AFTER HE ATTACKED US!
I found myself in absolute TERROR there, until I was finally able to talk to the psychiatrist. I told her what had happened to my family. And I told her my truth. For you see, as a Victim, I can no longer be truthful. The Murderer has taken this from me too. I explained my situation to the psychiatrist like this: If SHE had a bad day, and was asked how she was doing, and replied, "I'm so angry at my husband I might just kill him", no one would ACTUALLY think she was going to go home and kill her husband. But AS A VICTIM OF SUCH A MONSTROUS THING, if I speak the 'truth' - EVERYONE thinks I MUST want to kill myself, because 'THEY' can't imagine 'themselves' being able to live my nightmare. I told the psychiatrist, if I was going to commit suicide, I'd already be dead. I surely wouldn't have stayed this long! But I have a young daughter who needs me. She witnessed all that happened too. I am here for HER! And I MUST testify at trial! She immediately apologized for what the police had done, and sent me home...
But, since this second physical attack, I have been unable to speak. I cannot make eye contact with anyone, ever. And I refuse to leave the house.
I do have professionals, trying to help. But even they are uncertain, they can fix someone so shattered. Is there anyone out there, like me?...
