Victim?

[scout86]

do they actually convince themselves they are telling the truth?

I asked my T that. He said that he thinks they just don't see where "truth" matters. The only thing that "really" matters is that THEY are saying what THEY want to say. I think I finally, more or less, get how this could work. But, it's a rather mind blowing distortion of "reality" as I see it myself. But I suppose that's why it's classed as a "mental illness"., My T also says these people aren't particularly treatable because (SURPRISE!) they think they're perfect just the way they are and why would THEY want to change?

I was married for 12 years. It was at LEAST 10 years before I realized he was a liar. By the end, I realized I had no way to tell if he was lying or not, without independent confirmation of the truth. And I HATE being lied to. This is a big deal and I had told him very early in the relationship lying was probably THE big deal, as far as I was concerned. I took this pretty personally for quite awhile. Then I decided it wasn't exactly personal at all. I tended to think I had to justify my existence by meeting other people's needs. I was the perfect partner. He thought all that mattered was HIM. It had nothing to do with ME, as far as he was concerned, I just fit his needs at the time. He was remarried a year after our divorce. He's dead now. (Natural causes!) But he was good at what he did and kept doing it right to the end.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

Dream or nightmare last night. Me replying, only contact me if you are dying, and I will have some peace knowing the world has one less monster, one less liar, one less abuser. Oh, wants to make amends. Fell for that. And more than fell, thinking there might actually have been a conscience. His Dad died and he changed, or so I thought. No, just the mask came off.

Is there connection with having PTSD and connecting with these type of monsters?

 

[sun seeker]

Is there connection with having PTSD and connecting with these type of monsters?

There's a connection with falling for their charm and their take-charge attitude when we are at our weakest, I think. Mine could be very convincing. I have issues that would make it very, very hard for me to be in a normal relationship. I only got into this one because he insisted so much when I was lonely and scared, and I finally gave in. It was very one-sided. One time he even said, in all seriousness, "This is how it will work best. I tell you what to do, and you do it." A normal person would walk away at that point, right? Someone who needs to believe it would stay. That's my take on it, but I'm only one person.

 

[Deleted member 28740]

"This is how it will work best. I tell you what to do, and you do it."

@sun seeker It was just like that verbatim.

 

[sun seeker]

Really?! Is there a textbook somewhere that these guys read?

 

[tacit]

I'm always trying to remember that one is a victim of - not just "victim". Most of the time, when you fill in the "of", you learn much more about what's going on.

Lovin this..thanks joeylittle..will be using for sure ;)

Is there connection with having PTSD and connecting with these type of monsters?

I don’t believe it has anything to do with us at all. We are not magnets for or attracted to or connect with or have loser written on our foreheads. We just have a higher tolerance for bad behaviour because we are so used to it. And what other people would accept as unacceptable without hesitation, we tend to brush of as ‘it’s not that bad’ or ‘I can live with that’ just because it truly isn’t that bad compared to what we have already lived through.

We just need to raise our expectations of what is acceptable behaviour towards ourselves & what is not. And then just say no thanks to anything less. We do teach people how to treat us. We sometimes think we are being nice or a good person by saying ‘oh that’s ok’, but in reality we are saying ‘it’s ok to do that to me’ & then surprised when they do it again after having given permission for it.

I think this thinking of ‘we attract bad things’ is up there with some other myths like ‘everything happens for a reason’ & ‘people can’t make you feel anything without your permission’. They’re just not true. They are however, great examples of how it takes an element of truth in order to deceive, but that’s probably another topic.

Regarding the Drama Triangle, the simplest way I look at it is this: someone feels victimised (THE VICTIM), which basically means hurt by someone or something. A well-meaning person (THE RESCUER) sees this & comes to their aid & tries to make them feel better (or rescue them).

The problem with this is that no-one likes to feel like a victim & this can result in the ‘victim’ persecuting the ‘rescuer’.

Now the ‘rescuer’ feels victimised & the original ‘victim’ who is now persecuting, feels bad for hurting the ‘rescuer’s’ feelings.

The original ‘victim’ then tries to make the ‘rescuer’ feel better, which of course the ‘rescuer’ (now victim) will not like & then responds with persecutions, etc. etc. & the cycle continues.

(I so hope that actually made it simpler for anyone else??) :oops:

But personally I find it just too difficult to stop playing the role of the victim. Mostly because what the person has said or done probably was hurtful but more importantly, it’s just so hard to discern in the moment whether I am or not. So for me, in order to either not get sucked into this situation in the first place or to get off when I have been, is to focus on the other two instead. It’s pretty easy to discern if I’m rescuing & blatantly obvious if I am persecuting someone. And the moment I recognise that I am doing either one of these, I just stop it & ask myself if I really want to continue being a victim & then change my actions accordingly.

Cheers :)