Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[TeddySue]

I'm finally free of it. I still believe in and love God but I don't do church or ritual.

I've found that churches have clicks that are hard to ignore. We do go to church (Reformed Presbyterian) and are members for my children's sake; they seem to know how to belong, which I have never done. It's not really the "church" that scares me, but the people.

God is very important to me and I love Him with all my heart. He is not in a click. He loves His children unconditionally. I guess it's the conditions people put on relationships that makes me so sad; friendship seems so unattainable to me.

C.C. said: "I think stuff comes out of our subconscious mind when we sleep."

You have a point here, C.C. So much of our problem is in the subconscious mind, where we store it because it's so hard to deal with; but I find that when I am able to dig deep into the pain hidden there, I am relieved to find I haven't been wrong. Down deep are all the rejections and betrayals that, if taken together would overwhelm me, but when I'm able to find one at a time, I'm able to work through it. There are still a million down there and that's what overwhelms me.

 

[CraftyCath]

I wish I had my own bedroom. I have realised that even my husband's snoring wakes me with a jolt, mind you, it is like sleeping next to a wild boar!

No, seriously, it is the slightest noise. The fence banging in the wind, a dog barking, the milkman (who comes at 12:30 am for some reason), my bedroom door rattling. No matter what it is it wakes me with a start and I find my heart racing and I'm breathless. It's no wonder I'm tired all the time.

I went to a party at a friends house to celebrate the Queens Jubilee. I was panicking because I expect to be told off, made fun off etc. I knew everyone there so it was OK but I was tense all night. When I left I was shaking, probably because I'd help myself so tightly all night. It took me at least an hour to calm down once I got to bed...and then H's snoring began. It's just not fair is it?

 

[Mary Burgess]

Maybe he was just snoring in honour of the Jubilee....on a serious note, I do have trouble staying asleep all night myself - my startle reflex is right up there on the Ricter Scale. Any suggestions out there?

 

[BloomInWinter]

The Vigilance turned on again...and I have no idea why!

I also am having many anxiety attacks this week. Wonder what got me.

At least it's not so consuming tonight.

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((Bloom))))))

Lots of 'you' time and relaxation. It is probably something that is trying to emerge that has been suppressed.

I hope it feels better soon. x

 

[BloomInWinter]

I think it is something else....and I have no idea what. :(

 

[CraftyCath]

((((((Bloom))))))

I wish I could help. I'm here if you want to talk. All I can do is send you love and hugs. x

 

[Tinyflame]

Me too Bloom, (((((xox)))).

 

[BloomInWinter]

The vigilance is different, now. My baseline setting is lower, and I am able to recognize the on-guard status earlier in the process.

Mindfulness is helping. Meditation and distress tolerance help me relax into the memories instead of resisting them.

My resistance seems to fuel the vigilance.

 

[CraftyCath]

Well done Bloom, you are doing really well.:tup:

I think you are right when you say that resistance fuels the vigilance. It's that old chestnut of us keeping our guard up all the time. Stuff can only happen if we start to let it down which isn't easy when we've spent our lives building it up. Then we fear what will happen when we let our guard down.

Taking time to be still definitely helps.

much love to you. x

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((CraftyCath)))))

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ugh...trauma therapy yesterday and dentist today, and I'm right back on the wall again. Ugh!