Vigilance Is A Guard On The Wall Of Traumatic Memory

[BloomInWinter]

It's back again, and it's been several days now with no letdown.

I took off early from work, ate lunch with a friend, filled up my bird feeders as the storm is really beginning to hit, and am now him cuddling with my doggie.

I know this will pass. It is much better. But it's still no fun.

 

[CraftyCath]

It never is dear Bloom. You are doing what I do which is riding it out, just like the storm.

Big hugs for you. :hug:

 

[CraftyCath]

I am now jumping at every sound because I hit someone's car on Friday and I know they will be ringing to arrange payment. So I'm not a happy bunny. :(

 

[BloomInWinter]

Oh no, @CraftyCath ! I hope you're doing ok and that this resolves quickly. Waiting is very hard for me.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My vigilance has been much better lately, even when triggered. It doesn't get as fierce, nor does it last as long. I recognize it sooner and take action to comfort myself and feel safe.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I'm delving into the territory I told myself I'd never go.

But since I know so many of the things which really affect my enjoyment of people, places, things, activities today have their origins in that big area of multiple traumas, I know I need to do this if I truly want to heal. So I'm working up to the approach.

The past three appointments I left EMDR with vigilance full-on again, but it's not lasting days. It's not as exhausting. I know it's my brain trying to sort out which defenses to let down.

I'm glad it's nothing like it was, but I'll be so glad when this area of my life is no longer locked in the avoidance part of my brain. Then the vigilance won't be necessary.

 

[CraftyCath]

I think it is only natural that we become vigilant again when we are facing the deeper, more painful parts of our traumas. I know that I am more vigilant at the moment because I am unwell (anaemia) but that is not a bad thing. I am more open to attack and hurt when I am poorly so I am 'on guard; but not 'hyper' vigilant.

Your bravery will be rewarded Bloom. It takes courage to face up to our traumas and you are doing the right thing. I am so glad that you are not hypervigilant for as long - that shows great progress.

Hang in there sweetie, you deserve to get through this. :hug:

 

[BloomInWinter]

My vigilance is less pronounced, but after 5+ years of working hard in therapy, it's still playing a starring role in my life. It's less debilitating now. I notice it sooner. It's a reminder to practice self-care and address whatever the trigger was. When I don't go back and address the trigger, it just happens again.

Now it's less of a guard and more of a tough life coach telling me to stand up for myself, or walk away, or change something in my life that needs changing. As a conflict avoider, I really dislike this aspect of it. But hey, I'm still alive to be dealing with this, and most of the time pretty successfully.

What a long strange trip it's been.

 

[CraftyCath]

Your words really resonate with me Bloom. Recently I have had a few people tell me I am a real Empath. I don't just care about people. I feel their pain - really feel it.

This can be a double-edged sword. On one hand it shows a deep caring and understanding of others and often makes me easy to talk to and helpful. On the other hand it makes me an easy target for anyone who is desperately needy or uses people - leeches. You cannot help getting hurt. After discussing this with a few people I have been told that, in the past, I have left myself open and have not learn't to protect myself.

Since dealing with the vigilance I have realised that after being so very hurt my barriers all went up so nothing got through. After my diagnosis I realised I had to drop them a little and be less vigilant. We all need balance and I believe that, like you said Bloom, the vigilance is a life coach; teaching me how to protect myself, how to gain balance between allowing people in and shutting them out. I have shut some out completely and that has been very beneficial. I have started to let others in too but I needed to be careful, to build up trust and really check people out. I met 2 people on different occasions and knew instantly that although they were hurt people and I felt deeply for them, they would be detrimental to my healing and my life. I did not let them in. Recently I had 2 people tell me that I need to guard my empathic self and be careful, learn how to not feel so much. I am not sure how to do this but I am sure that the lingering vigilance, if kept under control, is a natural guard against feeling too much. I will be hurt again but perhaps it will not leave me in the mess I used to be in. We have truly progressed.:hug::tup:

 

[BloomInWinter]

@CraftyCath, I could have written your post. Yes. That, exactly. :hug::woot:

 

[BloomInWinter]

Wow, how strange that I'm looking this thread up almost exactly 6 years since I started it.

I'm going through some major life changes and wanted to remind myself how far I've come. I am still in bi-weekly therapy, but I can see and appreciate that this is soooo much better in my life now.

My body doesn't go through the constant vigilance that I used to. That is such a relief. I doubt that my body will recover from all the years of adrenalization and the resulting physical damage done to my organs and brain, but I'm glad to have relief.